Highlights

What you see online, on social media of someone is rarely ever the whole story. It's an edited and muted version. We all are the protagonist in our own story. And no matter how “good” we think we are, you bet your bottom dollar you’ll still be the villain in someone else’s story.

But remember, what you see online is just a highlights reel of someone’s life. We paint ourselves the way we want to be painted. There’s nothing wrong with it. We’re just all touched with a little bias. And we’re still entitled to our own privacy. You can keep whatever you want hidden. No one’s going to stop you from lying anyway. But that’s the thing. What you see is not the whole truth.

So remember not to criticize yourself too harshly. Be easy on yourself. Don’t envy other people’s lives. You don’t know what they have going on. You don’t see it all. They could be posting beautiful photos of them laughing and having a good time, but they may also be struggling financially trying to make ends meet. They could be dealing with tension between family members or loved ones. Or the loss of a loved one.  You never know the case. Don’t ever want someone else’s life because you don’t know the entirety of what comes with it. They are on a journey you know nothing about and just because something looks “perfect” on the outside, doesn’t mean that it is. Sometimes that smile is hiding a darkness you know nothing about. Struggles you know nothing about. Obstacles they overcome that you know nothing about. You may wish for their life but like in Aladdin when Jafar wished to be a genie, you have to deal with everything that comes with it when you wish for something. And in wanting someone’s “perfect life,” you have to go through everything they endured to get there.

I used to envy other people’s lives because well, who doesn’t? I wished I was as pretty as the next girl, I wished I filled out my clothes as nicely, I wished I had a different lifestyle, income, etc. But as I grow older, I realized there was nothing wrong with the life I was given. The circumstances I walked through. The trials I faced and the experiences I’ve had. It shaped me into who I am today and I have no regrets, despite the struggles. Adversity taught me to work hard and fight through. I learned that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for. And I learned that if I wanted something bad enough, and set out goals to achieve it, and worked hard towards it, I could essentially achieve anything I set my mind out to.

And you can’t want someone else’s “perfection” if you’re not willing to put in the time and work for it. Granted some people are born with, or by a stroke of luck, given better circumstances. But that shouldn’t stop you if you want something hard enough. Want that body? Put in the work. Want that degree and title? Put in the work. Want to land that job? Put in the work. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take when you sit around whining and complaining instead of getting up and doing something about it. Work towards it. And if you fail? Guess what? It’s not the end. You work harder and keep trying until you get it. Re-strategize. Try something new. Ask for help. Figure out all your resources. Use them. Swallow your pride. Put in the work.

Like Shaun T said, stop saying “I’m going to TRY out this workout.” Start saying “I’m going to FINISH this.” And don’t quit just because something felt hard at the first hurdle. You keep going and you get good. Make a to-do list. List all the steps you need to take to work towards your goal. Celebrate the little wins. Be proud of your milestones and take note of every obstacle you defeat. Those are your own personal highlights. Share it with someone. There’s something amazing and special about having a support system that helps uplift you and is excited for you when you have those little wins to share with them.

And don’t sweat the little things. Remember to ask yourself, “Is this worth it? Will this matter years from now? What can I take away from this? Is there a better way to react?” No more getting mad over silly things. Pointless things. Of course, it’s natural to react to things, but the thing to work on is not to let it get to you. Don’t let it delay your progress or ruin your mood or your day. Move yourself forward, not backward.

When I started my Instagram years ago, social media wasn’t as big a role in our lives as it today. The “likes” didn’t keep people up at night and people had not yet started leveraging social media as a tool to market or brand themselves. I actually resisted opening an account for the longest time, despite one of my friends insisting I make one. I didn’t want to download another app on my phone and have it eating away at my memory space. When I finally made an account, I didn’t post a lot but I didn’t post with the intention of wanting to garner “likes.” I never understood why people based their worth and value over that. If people like your photo, ok they like it, but after that what? It does nothing for you other than instant gratification in the moment. I shared my photos just because I liked sharing photos. Even today, I’m still the same. I appreciate the likes but the algorithm doesn’t get me down when a photo doesn’t get enough likes as I want it to. It doesn’t discourage me from posting. Why? Because I don’t allow those number of likes to represent how “good” my photo is. I don’t let that number define me. I let ME define me. Besides. A garbage selfie could garner 1000 likes while a well thought out photoshoot with effort, timing, hair, makeup and pose on point might not get as many likes. I’ve learned that people like garbage. The work you put into something might not always be noticed. But that’s why you never place your value on the validation of others. If you think your body of work is good enough, guess what? It is. Own up to it and work it.

I didn’t start this blog to gain internet presence. I was already blogging for years to begin with, but on a private site, closed down to a reader’s list so that only my friends and family who had access to it could read it if they wished. I finally made a public one because I do enjoy sharing my adventures, photos and experiences with the world. But if you like it, cool. If you don’t, that’s cool too. Just carry on your wayward, son. I’ll still keep going even if no one reads it or enjoys it. If someone wants to follow, cool. I’d rather it be because they genuinely like something anyway. Not because it was bought or f4f or s4s. But I’ve always been this way even during MySpace days. Like something because you actually like it. But don’t let those numbers define you.

So down to the nitty gritty, earlier this week I received a DM similar to other DMs in the past I frequently get.

“…how did you get where you are. Your life is amazing. You’re always doing all these cool and wonderful things and  you’re beautiful and you get to travel and your husband spoils you. I mean how did you get such an amazing life? I’m struggling to pay my bills every month and I’m only 21. I feel like I’m too  young to be so miserable and stuck in life so what’s the secret?”

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So. What IS my secret?

There is no secret. I don’t have everything. I don’t have it all. But everything I do have, I worked hard for.

First off, my life looks amazing because again, social media is a highlight reel. Although I don’t doubt that my life is amazing, but like all things, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You say amazing, one of my best friends says I’m boring. But that’s the thing. Two people can have the same exact thing and be miserable and complain about how shitty it is, while the other is excited and grateful to have it. It’s the story of the prince and the pauper. But that’s life. You should live it how you personally want to live it because guess what? This is your life and your happiness. If my life looks amazing to you, thank you. But you should live your own best life too and how YOU want it. Remember not to play the keeping up with the Jones’s game. Someone else’s happiness and goals may not necessarily be your own and when you catch up to the Jones’s,  you might end up still feeling empty and unsatisfied because again, those things were not genuinely your own end game goals. Chasing the wrong dreams will leave you feeling inadequate and feeling like you wasted your time.

Secondly, “these cool wonderful things” I do aren’t anything special honestly. I’m just another IG hoe, living for the gram. I take photos in cute places because I’m vain. Honestly, anywhere can look cool and wonderful if you have the right eye for a good photo. I’m on a mission this year to show that the most ordinary of places can be beautiful backdrops for a photoshoot. The places I go to, a lot of them are locally by me - farms, parks, musuems, libraries, gardens, city pop-ups, etc. A lot of them are free too because I’m a cheapass. And I only recently started traveling a few  years ago after I got married at 26. Before that I didn’t really go anywhere. In college while all my peers were out getting lit on spring break all the time, I stayed home and just worked every single school break. Summers too. My entire college career was me working all the damn time, whether it be at work study, at the pizzeria, or in the pharmacy. Oh yes, I started my humble beginnings making $7.50 an hour at a pizzeria for summers on end. I struggled to pay my own bills too at 21. But that’s 21. You’re not supposed to “make it” at 21. I mean, kudos to those that can but you're not expected to. Don’t ever compare the pace of your journey to someone else’s. Even celebrities didn’t make it big til much later on in their careers. They struggled through homelessness, drug addictions, bankruptcy, broken homes, etc until late into their 30s or 40s sometimes. Every one’s journey is different and just because you don’t fit the cookie cutter mold timeline of diploma, career, marriage, kids, house doesn’t mean you didn’t “make it.” It might not even be the path for you. Or maybe you just need more time. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint. And in marathons, you need to strategize for yourself how to complete it. Focus on completion, rather than finishing with a good time trying to beat the guy next to you, and you’ll be fine. Enjoy the journey and don't overwork yourself trying to complete it or you'll injure or burn yourself out before you can even reach the end. Take it slow. Take your time and perfect your art.

Set goals. Write down what you want to do in life. Take steps to work towards them. Even if they might take time, years even. Work towards them step by step. Get out of your comfort zone. Put in the work. You can’t be envious of someone else’s life, again, if you didn’t put in the work. Nothing is going to be handed to you, everything is earned. Cinderella didn’t wait for Prince Charming to come to her, she got her ass to the ball. Even if it was with the help of her friends. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! When I struggled last year with my weight loss problems, I reached out for help. And my friends and family and followers came through and gave me support even if it was just simply rooting me on. A little encouragement goes a long way. But it doesn’t apply to just fitness. It goes with anything.

I’ll let you in on a secret. I almost dropped out of pharmacy school. I was salutatorian of my graduating class in high school but in college, I completely lost my drive and motivation and got lazy and didn’t give it my all. I played Pokemon, Guild Wars and other trash video games on my laptop in class most of the time and in my fourth year of pharmacy school I was failing and almost went to the dean’s office and dropped out. I felt like such a failure but looking back, I know it was my own fault for not putting in the work. In a last attempt to not fail the semester, I got my shit together, recorded all the lectures, listened to them several times every day after class, re-doing my notes. This was back in AOL instant messenger days too. I started using my resources and messaging my friends more and asking them for help and help, they did. Knowing that I was struggling, some friends reached out to me to provide old exams they had to help me study, and other friends would help tutor me and go over their own notes with me. And in the end, I ended up passing the semester with a decent enough grade to move on to the next course and remain in the program.

The life I have now wasn’t an easy path from point A to point B. It didn’t happen without struggle or hard work. I put in the time, I stuck it through and I worked at it. There are several elements that went into it and even today, just because you see a “happy” highlight reel on Instagram, doesn’t mean I’m not struggling to pay all my bills from month to month either. I still have to worry about my mortgage, student loans, utilities, health and everything else. I just don’t let it ruin my day. I cry when I do my bills once a month, I adjust my spending, and I move on. Don’t let it drown you as you’ll waste time just being upset about it instead of using that energy elsewhere to uplift you and work on building a better tomorrow.

My family life was also not always as happy as it is today. If you read my past blogs, I hint at past troubles. Without going into much detail due to privacy issues for my family, my siblings and I grew up with a lot of domestic violence with our father. There were a lot of CPS cases opened and left unfounded, a few broken bones, broken dishes, and a lot of broken hearts. My best friend ended up getting involved in one occasion in having to call the police on my own father. I ran away from home after I had just turned 16 that fall. But looking back now and having grown up, I don’t hurt anymore. I believe what he did was wrong but I forgive him and I’m no longer angry with him. He ended up dancing with me at my wedding and I’ve never seen him happier. There’s a photo from my wedding with us on the dance floor that I absolutely cherish and love. I had it framed after the wedding for him.

As for my husband, he spoils me because he loves me and I spoil him back. But there’s a lot that goes on behind closed doors that you don’t see. We’ve been together since 2000 so we’ve been through a LOT of fights and tears already. Again, I don’t go into much details due to privacy issues but it doesn’t come without hard work from both sides. It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. If it’s one sided, it’ll never work, as one person will always be left feeling taken for granted. And we work at it every day. We do little things for each other to remind the other how much we love them. Whether it be taking the time to prepare someone’s lunch for work, leaving flowers in someone’s room, picking up their favorite candy/snack at the grocery store just because or taking their car to the autoshop to get tires fixed. We also don’t do everything together, giving each other individual time, space and respect for each other’s hobbies. But when we do get to spend time together, we try to maximize the time we spend loving each other and enjoying each other’s company. We try not to get into fights because this time is so limited to begin with, so we’d rather not waste it. But that should be the mentality of all relationships regardless of if you get to see your loved ones daily or a few days a week or a few days a month or whatever. Put aside the pettiness and focus on your love for each other. If you can’t do that, then maybe there is something else at play that needs to be discussed.

Another person asked me how I kept high morale during rough patches. This isn’t easy to do but you have to go into it with the mentality that everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, you haven’t reached the end yet. Growth is uncomfortable. But you must be willing to be uncomfortable today in order to live a life of comfort tomorrow. You can only grow when you leave your comfort zone so go into it with the mentality “How can I grow from this? What can I take away from this? What can I learn?” Make changes if need be, to better  your life. You need to fall in love with your life. Find ways to breathe life back into it. I re-wired parts of me to think differently so that I view life in a different light. For example. A lot of people of hate Mondays. I say why? Why hate Mondays? Because it’s a start of a work week? What’s so bad about that? Do you hate money? No, so don’t look at it that way. I look at Mondays differently so I don’t dread them anymore. I redefined them as the start of a fresh new week, with new goals to crush and opportunities to reach for. So when I get to Wednesday I’m excited because I’m like what did I accomplish in 3 days? Even if it’s just half a pound gone off the scale, it’s still a win. Don’t live for the Fridays, for the summers, for the happiness to come to you. Change your outlook and habits so that you’re not wasting any more of your time. Despite still struggling to get out of bed every morning, I look forward to each and every workout because I love going through it and putting in the work and getting results. I no longer waste my mornings sleeping til I have to get up for work. I spend it wisely working on myself. Investing in myself. By making time for myself.

And remember, you’re right where you’re supposed to be. You’ll appreciate the light after being in the dark for so long. “A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it, it just blooms.” Don’t worry about the rest. Let them judge you. Let them misunderstand. Let them gossip. Keep doing you. You will shine through in the end while they were too busy squawking. Other people’s opinions about you are not  your problem. What matters is what you think of you and your authenticity to yourself. Most people in this world are only as happy as they’ve made up their minds to be. The key is to love the little things in life.

One day you’re going to look back and see you were blooming all along.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life.”

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New Year, New Me

Not as in resolutions. I'm referring to the me last year this time in January compared to me this January. I set out a year ago to seriously lose the weight and I not only achieved my goals but I surpassed my original intended goal weight. I’m not gonna lie, it feels absolutely amazing. I know I sound like a broken record but it’s seriously my biggest achievement I’m proud of from the past year. This time last year I never thought I would ever get back to 110 lbs. I started at 130 and I was simply dreaming of 120. I ended up getting down to 105 lbs as my lowest weight! Can you imagine. I never thought I would go so far to lose 25 lbs.

So how did I do it?

People always ask me questions about my personal trainer. But the truth is he's just another member at the gym. I go to Planet Fitness because that's what's available in my area and it's cheap and close by. I also joined because I saw that they provide free personal training sessions and since I had no idea what I was doing, I really liked the idea of one on one training to show me the ropes. And I enjoyed it a lot. My gym's trainer knew his stuff, was really patient and worked with you to reach your goals on a realistic schedule. And he didn’t make you feel dumb for not knowing how to do certain things. He was patient and helped you learn the right way and the right form.

Unfortunately last year around Christmas, my gym's trainer injured himself and was going to be out of work for a month or so. I panicked. I looked like a lost puppy around the gym for the first few days he was missing. This other member who was friends with him, saw me and noticed I was always there working out with my trainer. I'm not really sure why he did it, but to this day I believe Rocco sent this angel to help me because I was hitting rock bottom with my depression about my weight. He came up to me and asked me if I was looking for someone to train with since my trainer was going to be gone for a while. At first I didn't take him up on his offer because I'll be honest, this guy was absolutely terrifying. He was HUGE. He's jacked like Arnold and he just looks mean all the time. I was afraid he was going to push me and make me work too hard. I was terrified but I stayed polite and took his number.

A few weeks go by. I slunk further into my depression because I was getting absolutely nowhere with my goals. I finally got fed up with myself, bit the bullet and texted him. We made plans for a session after the new year and I was absolutely terrified. What if I die, I thought? Well the first day wasn't as bad as I thought because we simply went over my goals and what I wanted to achieve and then he went through all the machines with me to gauge what I could and couldn't do in terms of strength and experience. We ended up training a few times a week for the first few weeks and I sent him pics of everything I ate. Then we developed our plan of attack. He gave me ideas based on what I already ate and substituted them for healthier alternatives so it wouldn't be far off from my norm. I learned to quick prep easy meals and I learned which dishes I could order from nearby restaurants at work if I was in a jam and couldn't make anything to pack in time before I left for work.I had to follow simple guidelines for my diet and trust in the process.

Some simple rules were

  1. Make sure there is a protein source every time you eat, snack or meal.

  2. Eat every 2-3 hours (set alarms!).

  3. Plan out food a day ahead.

  4. No carbs after a certain hour.

  5. When eating, make sure portions are about the size of your fist. No overeating.

I continued to send him pics of everything I ate after we developed this new diet plan. It helped to keep me accountable. I also posted everything on my IG stories daily to keep me accountable and honestly it really did help. I stuck by everything I did and ate. I wanted to use it as a tool to keep me transparent in my process and it definitely did. Of course I thought about posting and just eating something else instead, but I never did no matter how bad cravings got because honestly, what good would cheating on yourself out of your goals do? So I committed. I only cheated on days I knew I was going to be out with friends and it would be hard to stick to my diet. But most times, I did try by keeping simple snacks in my bag and planning my day around easy stops to get a quick healthy bite in. Or if I knew where we were dining, I'd look up the menu ahead of time to make sure I had some healthy choices. It wasn't easy but it was doable. The planning ahead for meals really help keep you focused though, especially for food shopping. I would only buy what I needed and no junk. I bought exactly what I was going to eat, exact portions so there was never any excess waste I was throwing out or went bad. It kept temptations out of the house and saved me money since I was only buying exactly what I was going to eat. The only problem was I had to go food shopping more often since everything prepped was pretty fresh. I was no longer eating a lot of processed foods, but whole clean foods. But lucky enough for me, my gym is right next to a supermarket so I just ran over after my workouts every other day to get food.

And during each session, I wrote down every exercise I did in a workout journal. I wrote down how many reps and how much weight I was able to do each time until it became routine enough in my head that I no longer needed the book. It definitely helped a lot in the beginning to write everything down. Some days my new trainer couldn’t make it and I would still come and put in the work and the book helped to keep me on track and do anything I forgot was part of the routine. Sometimes we’d try new things but most of the workouts are basic simple weight lifting. Old methods because my trainer is a simple pick things up and put them down kinda guy but hey, it’s worked so far.  The proof is in my results.

I ate the same foods over and over, switching some things up and adding new meals as they got approved along the way, but mostly it was the same thing over and over. Same with the workouts. We did arms one day, chest and shoulders one day, legs one day, and back one day. Abs every other day after each workout. And I usually tried to get in 30-60 minutes of cardio afterwards, time permitting. My time at the gym grew longer and I became more dedicated. But the consistency paid off in the end. At the end of April before my Paris trip, I was 110 lbs! Over the summer, I took a bit of a break. I still worked out but not as vigorously. I cut out the cardio after my gym sessions.  In the fall, I picked it back up to lose my summer weight and lose another 5 lbs on top of that to try and get down to 105 lbs. And I did! It felt so amazing. But the second time around, felt harder than the first time trying to lose the weight.

After my birthday, I eased up and decided to maintain again for the holiday season to give myself a break for working so hard so quick. I gained the 5 lbs I lost back, hahaha. And here I am, ramping it up again to try and get back to 105 lbs before my half marathon in 7 weeks. I have faith I can do it as long as I buckle down and stick to the diet. The diet is the hardest part. Despite all of 2018, my body still yearns for the huge portions my old body used to eat. I’m still hungry even after I eat because I am just ridiculous. And I eat pretty often. But I try to drink more water to help fight the hunger monster.

I also cut out cardio after my birthday due to my knee pain that I had developed in early October during my training for the half marathon. I tried to lay off it for a month but in November when I tried to run again, it had worsened. I went to a Sports Physical Therapist to get it checked out and learned I needed to work on activating my hip muscles to relieve the pressure on my knee. I went to 10 sessions so far and got back to running last week finally to start training for the race. I don’t really know if the PT helped at all honestly, but I can say that my running has gotten better in terms of no pain arising in my knee during my run. I’m taking it slow and training a few miles at a time and working on a slower pace as well as utilizing the run-walk method when I feel a little winded. I read that I might have injured myself by training too hard at the rate I was going last fall. I ramped it up too fast too quick and was running more often than I should’ve when I should’ve allowed more rest days in between runs. Hopefully I can get it right this time to build my endurance better so the pain doesn’t develop again and I can successfully complete the half marathon. I’ll be so embarrassed if I can’t.

Oh yeah, since starting the PT sessions, my schedules haven’t aligned anymore with my trainer so I haven’t seen him in almost two months after nearly a year of working out together. I miss him but I don’t miss having to wake up every morning to be at the gym at 8am. Regardless of how many mornings I had to wake up early - and was still late anyway - I am still not a morning person. That will unfortunately never become habit, I’m afraid. I do go to bed earlier than I used to but I’ll still marinate a little longer in bed when given the option. Some things will never change.

BUT! I do have some things to say regarding my trainer. I’m comfortable working out on my own now because of him. I feel more confident in knowing what I’m doing and no longer worried about how I look or if anyone’s watching since my results will always speak for themselves. You can look around and see the people who have results and the people who don’t, no matter how often you see them in the gym. Again, it speaks for itself.

I’ll be honest, because he was just another member at the gym, he never charged me anything for helping me all year. He simply wanted to help someone meet their goals and I was his project for the year. I’m really grateful for his help because it’s really hard to find people like that.

So when it comes to personal trainers, I do recommend them. I didn’t pay for mine but I know they can get expensive and it’s hard to find a good one that actually wants to help you achieve your goals and GET YOU THERE as opposed to someone who just wants a paycheck and will show you some exercises and just go home after. Mine was available to me all day everyday to answer my diet and nutrition questions and keep me on track. He helped keep me accountable. Even though I didn’t pay for his services, if I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I definitely would. I had already started with a new gym membership  that I was determined to put to use, so paying for a personal training would unfortunately be another big expense, but in the long run, it’s an investment that I would say was definitely worth it. I was scared that my trainer would push me too hard but I learned two things regarding this when I finally dove headfirst into this and gave it a chance; I learned that I needed that push - I needed someone to push me harder than I would push myself. Working out by myself I wouldn’t have tried certain things or lifted heavier than he had me lift. I would’ve stopped at a lighter weight, given up at smaller reps. But he kept pushing me and rooting me on to do one more every time and would add on more weights to see if I could improve my personal best each time. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t, but I always tried again. Each week we progressed more and more until “I tried” became “I did it!” The second thing I learned was that regardless of how hard I thought he was going to push me, he actually never pushed me harder than I could physically go. He was able to gauge what those limits were and safely scale back if it looked to be too much. And if I wanted to end sooner out of sheer laziness, he wouldn’t let me either. He could tell if there was still more to beat up and kept me working to my potential. I hated it in the moment but looking back, this is what made him such an effective trainer for me. Even now, working out on my own, I still have those habits and force myself to keep going and complete the whole session.

The results will always speak for themselves if you put in the work, the dedication, patience and consistency.

As I look through old photos of myself last year throughout the months it’s funny because I remember being so proud as the pounds started shedding. I’m actually embarasssed of some of the photos now because I was still chubby in some photos where I was feeling myself but it just goes to show the progress. It shows the transformation as I shed the fat and turned it into muscle. My 110 lbs in May looks different from my 110 today too. I was 110 lbs in May before leaving for Paris but my stomach was nowhere as toned as it is now. I know I’m still focused on the scale because I have issues, but I do see the difference in the mirror as well. Small changes are small but it’s still progress no matter how small and can still make a difference when comparing photos, especially over time.

I’m also glad this time around I didn’t “give up” after reaching my goals but kept going. I kept saying to myself, “I didn’t come this far to only come this far.” And I kept consistently loving how I looked and progressed so I said to myself, if this is how I look in 6 months, can I imagine how I’ll look in another 6 months? So I used that as motivation to keep going. And it really helped. A year later here I am. Despite trying to lose 5 lbs again before the race, I’m not mad at how I look right now. Actually, I’m really happy about it. And I can’t wait for this summer to get here and look even better as I keep working on my body some more. There’s always room for improvement. I got into the mentality that you get one body and you have your whole life to work on it, perfect it, sculpt it to whatever you want. It’s your job to keep it looking good, running good, in tip top shape. Or to let it sit and waste away. Your choice. Besides, YOURSELF is the best thing you can invest in. Why would you bet against yourself?

A song came on while at the gym today that I thought was rather funny. I said goodbye to my old beginning of 2018 body because I swear, we are totally never ever ever, getting back together. Thank U, next, bitches.