"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."
I feel really disappointed lately. At first I was mad. Then bitter. But ultimately I think the true feeling I'm feeling is simply disappointed and that's why I really feel hurt.
Sometimes I feel like I'm to blame. Maybe I do too much for others. To the point where they become dependent on it and/or take it for granted. They think you will always be there. They don't worry about putting in effort into the friendship because they think you will always be there. And they're not exactly wrong. It's like I never learn my lesson. I still would bend over backwards to help a friend no matter how much someone has let me down. I wish I could change this nature. Because how do people learn if you keep letting them get away with being a bad friend? Like rewarding bad behavior so people think it's okay to continue walking all over you and take your kindness for weakness.
I do feel underappreciated a lot from time to time. Especially when you try your hardest to help someone in their time of need. Or just by remembering small things like making sure everyone is fed and comfortable. I really am the mom friend. And I feel exactly like a mom in the underappreciated aspect as well.
I try to be supportive. I try to be there. I make myself available as much as I can if someone needs me. I try to check up on people to make sure they're ok. I listen. I offer help.
But what happens when that person who needs help is me? Not everybody has the same heart and you just end up disappointed if you believe they do.
I wish I could learn to do less. To say no. To slow down. To not give people everything. But it's not in my nature to treat my friends like that. I'll always want to help them as much as I can. My parents are like this and taught me this. So did Rocco.
I do a lot for people and I think I just wish people would in turn, turn around and do the same for me when I need it. I don't even ask for much when I need help compared to what I do for them. I'll still try to accommodate people best I can to not inconvenience them when I ask for help. It's just really disheartening watching those you love turn around and put more effort into other relationships instead.
This is really my own fault. I need to stop investing my heart in those relationships. If they don't care, why should I? If I don't matter as much to someone, why should I continue caring about them? If they're not going to make the effort, why should I? Because I'm a sucker and I'm always going to be here when people come running back and need me. As hurt as I am sometimes I will always stand by to pick up the pieces when your whole world shatters. I wish I had a blacker heart sometimes. It would be easier to not get hurt. I wish people knew and understood how I felt. I wish people would understand the gravity of their actions or lack thereof, and it's impact on people. Sometimes you just don't mean to, but what you do or don't do, hurts the most.