Best Friends

Today is National Best Friends day. 

It's funny because I have a very eclectic group of friends. My best friends are basically the people who were in my wedding party; my bridesmaids and my husband. I still have a strong and special relationship with each and it's funny because no matter how different each one of my friend is, the connection is the same. I love every one of them and I don't know what I'd without them in my life, even if we don't see each other every day or often or at all. 

It's been a while since I've seen them all and I miss them so much. 

One bridesmaid is a friend from the 3rd grade and my rock. She's the level headed one that always talks me back down to Earth when I'm being irrational. Funny because in high school, we were so crazy and wild together and now, she's the more sensible one. 

One bridesmaid is a friend I met in the 7th grade and we lost touch in high school but reconnected during college years and have been glued since. We're both so alike and yet still so different in many ways. Sometimes we end up wearing the same outfit when we leave the house without even consulting each other. And never has one of us looked to the other and went "Well, one of us has to change." Hahaha.

One bridesmaid is a friend from college that I met at freshmen orientation and we've been together since as well. Our friendship was small at first but then grew into something more as we battled through the basic bitches and idiot personalities at pharmacy school, and then extended beyond college. 

My last bridesmaid is my most recent friend and yet that relationship is just as unwavering. I met her in 2010 during my first summer at CVS as an intern. She was just there to help fill staffing issues but something clicked. She brought out the workaholic in me to my fullest potential while I probably only brought out the worst in her as I was that bad influence friend your parents warn you about. We were amazing at filling everything in record time and my boss's strongest techs, but we also spelled out TROUBLE when we were put on the schedule together. 

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Sometimes I wonder how these people put up with my shit though, lol. I'm not dumb. I know I have a loud and strong personality and it's not for everyone. I'm very outspoken, opinionated, and out there. I imagine I can come off pretty abrasive to other people, both people who know me and people who don't know me well. Brazen was the term used in college to describe me once. 

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Actually, this reminds me of a conversation I had at work a while back. 
Originally I was talking about the houses in Harry Potter and how I didn't feel like I belonged to any of them, really. I got sorted into Ravenclaw on one occasion and I can see why but I didn't feel like I belonged there still. Friends say I'm Slytherin and I can see why there too but I still don't truly feel like that's my house. I never really thought of myself as Gryffindor either because I'm not very brave in my definition of the word. You won't find me first in line to sky dive, or go bungee jumping off a cliff. I get scared when the boy drives way too fast and I'm easily frightened at Halloween Horror Nights even though that's all fake too. I'm so jumpy even at work when people enter the room and I'm unaware they're there. I don't like public speaking and being in charge so I'm not that person that likes to volunteer and spearhead projects, even though I can do it when push comes to shove. But that's just my definition of brave.

A fellow pharmacist overheard the conversation and cut in and said she considered me to be very brave, actually. She felt the way I carried myself, in the way I dress, my personality, and my presence to her, was very brave. She loves the way I dress, but thought it took a lot of courage to dress how I want to dress everyday still even when people say stuff to me and judge me. And for me to continue doing what I love and the way I carried myself and lived my life, in spite of what others might think. She said she thought the world was very cruel and for me to still have the spirit I have in spite of it, was very brave.
I thought it was a nice insight and a fresh look from someone else. You don't know how you come off to others all the time and I thought it was really nice that she admired that of me.
I don't consider myself brave at all because all the things she talked about, I didn't feel they were brave. I just felt they were normal for me. But that's part of the bravery. It's not always doing things that you personally are scared of doing.

Sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for the things I do, simply because I see them as normal and things I would ordinarily do anyway. I see other people doing more and greater things than I do so I always feel like I'm not worth noting. But it doesn't mean I should discredit myself at the same time. I do a lot for my friends, family, coworkers, patients, and even strangers sometimes. More than I should, a lot of the time. But I think it's just a part of who I am. Funny, sometimes while I'm doing these things, a part of me even says why are you doing this? Would they do the same for you? And it's sad because a lot of the times, the answer is no. I think I do more for people than they would ever do for me and I'm not even sure why. It's just in my nature. I continue even though I know it won't be appreciated in the way I would like to be appreciated for what I do for people. But that's the thing. I do it not expecting anything back. I do in the hopes that one day when I need help, the other party would do the same for me.

But most of the times, I choose not to play the card because I'm so afraid to ask for help and I'd rather do things myself. But that's when I suffer. I also need to learn to ask for help when I need it. It's funny because I'm open to talking to other people when they're feeling down and need a friend. But I myself don't know exactly how to reach out when it's my own soul that needs healing. I chalk it up to human nature though. It's a very scary feeling opening up to someone. You don't want to appear weak and vulnerable. You don't want to look like a bitchass. But the funny thing is, when my family and friends reach out because they're hurting, I don't think that of them. So why do I think that others will think that of me? I don't know what I'm afraid of honestly. 

LOL, I have no idea how I digressed this far from the original topic of best friends. 
Basically the main point was sometimes I catch myself thinking and wondering why my friends are friends with me. When I get self conscious, I wonder if I come off as too much to them. I actually have no care how I come off to strangers, but how are these people still sticking around? Aren't you sick of me yet? My husband is sick of my shit 99% of the time, and somehow he's still madly in love with me. Wonders of the world. But I know they do care and love me as much as I love them because of all the amazing things they do for me. I'm the girl that celebrates her birthday the entire month. I'm excessive. And my friends DO feed into it, lol. They take off for my birthday celebrations, they travel all the way just for a day to see me. They send me cute ass cards in the mail and thoughtful gifts. They get me beautiful cakes, yes, cakes as in plural, even a Tiffany box cake with a crystal red bottom shoe. And they even bond together to surprise me with a beautiful pair of real Loubies. They go on vacation with me and put up with all the ridiculous things I want to do and all the places I want to hit up just for a photo. And they try hard to get the shot for me. Hahaha, listen if they're not willing to do anything for the shot for the gram for you, are they really your best friends? LOL. 

But if I reverse the scenario and wonder what draws me to my own friends and why do I stick around, I don't think negatively about things like that as to why my friends aren't sick of me. I can't get enough of my friends sometimes. I always want more time with them but alas, adulting does not allow for such luxuries as you get older and responsibilities settle in. As we get older, I spend less and less time with the people I want and our lives start to grow apart and thinking about it gets me really sad. I try my best to make time for my friends as much as I can but the stars do not always align. I also always worry about my friends thinking I'm not doing enough for them or living up to my potential of being a good friend. I try my best but sometimes I wonder if there's any more I could have done to help. I don't want them to think I'm not there or don't care. I don't want my own friendship to be questioned. I want them to have that confident feeling there that I'm always down for them whenever they need me. 

These are the late night ramblings of my tired self when I'm left alone with my thoughts, lol. Ignore me.

Bonus point, comment below what house you think I fall into, or what you would sort me into! 

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