It’s been a minute. I got lazy with my blog in the latter part of this year, especially since my sister has been using my computer for her Zoom classes. I haven’t sat at my computer in ages, it feels like. What’s new? Nothing really, the pandemic is still going on and life is…life. I do want to get back to blogging again more regularly, it’s just hard to come up with topics to blog about and I would rather it feel organic than forced. But there’s a lot less posts this year because well, I haven’t really done much. And yet I’ve done a lot. What an oxymoron. What I mean is, in the past years when I blogged, it correlated with my adventures, gram tours, traveling, posting about what I experienced on my days off. Since we’re in the midst of the pandemic, I haven’t done much of any of that. I still try to shoot every chance I get, but it’s hard to align schedules and go out when not all parties feel safe to do so and there’s limited spaces you can shoot at anyway when avoiding big crowds and trying our best to social distance and staying masked. This year has been full of challenges. And yet I still shot a lot more than I expected to. It’s funny because in the spring during the first lockdown, I worried about my creativity dying because I wasn’t able to shoot. And of course when we were able to, I made up for it by trying to shoot as much as possible and then overloaded myself like always.
And besides shooting, all I’ve done this entire year is work and work out. Not that that’s a problem or anything, but that’s really all I’ve done that’s been taking up my time instead of working on my blog. It’s funny because before this year I was hard on myself thinking I didn’t devote enough time to each and balancing it all and then this year, all that went further out the window. I definitely had a better handle on things prior to the pandemic. I need to start setting aside a devoted time to sit and work on my blog again. I need to learn to balance, prioritize, and delegate better time management between everything.
It’s hard. In the second half of this year, I’ve been feeling kind of lost in my way ever since races got cancelled. I’m still trying to find my way in a lot of ways. I’m trying to find my footing again in my fitness goals - I don’t have any current goals to work on and thus no rhythm, set schedule, no routine. I feel so disorganized. And in my long term life goals. I feel really overwhelmed with the pandemic throwing everything I thought I had laid out in a timeline further down the pipeline than I wanted so now I’m wondering if I should shift around some of my goals and work on the ones I wanted to work on later, now? Or should I continue putting them off? I hate when things are delayed and don’t go according to plan. But at the same time, I have learned time and time again to adapt and work around things. I was really stressed back in October about this, literally in tears a few days thinking about it, until I sat down, had a serious talk with my husband, asked for advice from friends and other experienced colleagues and finally re-strategized.
Honestly, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, but it’s a work in progress. I don’t see any traveling for the foreseeable future, or that even wearing masks in general will go away for a while, so for the next year I do see us further grounded home. My husband and I have decided we will try to work on our house next year and hopefully complete it and make all the rooms fully livable and our home more like a home. I will stop trying to run away so much and focus on making it look more put together instead of a random toy chest. And then after that, we will start thinking a little more seriously about the future. I still haven’t decided if I wanted to move to another state or whatever or even where to.
But what I do know is, a lot of my friends and family are moving on. They’re building their families or near done building and they’re at a different stage of their lives than I am and honestly… I still have no interest in it. Is that weird for me to say? I’m 32 and I still don’t have baby fever or anything. Whenever I find out someone is having pregnant or having kids, my first thought is still “Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that” initially instead of “congratulations” even if it’s what they wanted. Even my husband is like “Wow. That’s unfortunate.” Why are we like this? LOL. The funny thing is we’re both great with kids. But I still don’t know if it’s in the cards for us. I feel like we would be totally okay if we didn’t ever have them. But our parents and family are a different story. Right now it feels like all eyes are on us because all other cousins and siblings in his family are already on their second child and we’re still like “nah dog, we good.” Is it weird? Sometimes I feel like we’re being looked at like there’s something wrong with us but I’m really looking at everyone else like “Is this all you want? That’s it?” I feel like there’s got to be more to life than this. Maybe I’ll feel different if I’m ever a parent but honestly currently I don’t feel like my sole purpose in life is to build a family and that’s it. I want more. I want something different.
Anyways, I promise I’ll start being on here more again. My hair isn’t even blonde anymore but I haven’t updated in forever with all the photos I took this fall. I also worked on my favorite Halloween costume ever and yet to even post photos of that because I’m so behind. I promise I’ll upload it all soon and update more and be more present again. I need to. It’s what kept me going pre-pandemic and I really need to get back into the swing of things again. I used to love blogging so much. I need to push myself back into this. I feel like there’s so much I want to talk about, and everything is so disorganized and I need to just sit back and write it all down and get it out. Sorry this is all over the place and rambling. We’ll get back into the groove soon.