Every so often, remember to look back and reflect on how far you’ve come and celebrate your growth and change. Remember when you first began, how desperate you wanted to be where you are right now? It’s not bad to yearn for more, to hunger for more, to build more goals on top of the goals you had once you’ve reached them, but remember that you once wished so bad for what you have now and be grateful. Be proud. YOU did that. YOU worked hard for that. YOU are 100% that bitch.
I say this because I stumbled upon this old blog entry from Jan 23, 2011.
I have my own fucking car. A piece of shit, yes, but my own car, nonetheless. And I made it to 5th year Pharmacy and am on my rotations! I made it all the way here. I really did not see myself here today doing all that I'm doing now. I really do think these are all personal achievements that I can be proud of myself for.
It scares me sometimes how much I grew up since starting college 5 years ago. I grew so much as a person and have changed in so many ways. I definitely did not look the way I do now 5 years ago. And I no longer hold the same beliefs and interests. Some things yes, but not everything. It's crazy when I think about it. How much more change will I go through in the next 5???
Now it’s been more than 5 years since then and oh man, SO much more has changed. It’s crazy when I look back and think about it. I remember getting my driver’s license around that time and I was so surprised. I was pretty sure I was doomed to forever fail my road test after having such bad luck with the first two testers that were grade A assholes to me. And even then after passing, I was still nervous as hell as being on the road. Being on the highway. Being in heavy traffic situations. Driving through unfamiliar areas to get to all my pharmacy rotations. But it’s 2019 now and I’ve been through all that. I’ve driven across states on road trips in uncharted territory. I’ve weaved in and out of terrible drivers on the highway. I’ve had near death experiences with idiots who didn’t know how to merge or turn correctly. I’ve driven through bad weather and spun out and saw life flash before my eyes. I didn’t know it during that blog entry at the time, but a year later I would finally have a brand new car! My very own brand new Camaro, not used or anything. And I still have her to this day. At the time though, I had a piece of shit car but a car nonetheless. Always be grateful and humble from your beginnings. Remember there is always someone else wishing for what you already have while you are wishing for more.
I also finished pharmacy school, got a job and and then changed jobs 3 years later. At the time, I thought I would be team retail forever. Who would’ve known I would finally warm up to hospital and get over my fear of “not knowing” hospital drugs and how to IV prep. Now this stuff is cake. Although I can honestly say now that while I do enjoy pharmacy, I don’t know if I see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I can certainly do it for the rest of my life, but it’s not exactly something I'm passionate about. To me, I just look at it as a job that pays the bills. It’s not a career to me in which I want to climb any ladders or advance further in. It’s sad because I know I have a lot of potential. But I lack the ambition. Everyone I’ve ever worked with has always told me and tried to get me to go further but I just really have no interest. My DM wanted me to be more than a store pharmacist, and wanted me to climb the CVS ladder of Emerging Leaders and all I could say was no thank you. There was a supervising position available at my hospital last year and I had no interest in going for that either. But in all honesty, I really have no interest in that 9-5, dress professionally corporate, put on a fake smile and yes everyone to death at meetings type life. So here I am. I have no idea where I’ll be in 5 years honestly because back in 2011, I would’ve told you I would still be in retail in 2019. And look how wrong I was.
And again, in 2019 compared to that blog entry in Jan 2011, I no longer hold the same beliefs and interests. It’s crazy how much you change and keep changing over time. You’re never the same person as the person you were yesterday. You’re constantly growing and evolving. But you’re human. You’re allowed to. You are forever a work in progress and the hardest and best project you’ll ever work on. I don’t even look the same as I did in 2011. My body is different, my hair is different, my style is different, hell, my mindset is different. And I absolutely love it. What am I going to look like in another 5 years?!
I also once said that I would have a kid in 5 years after I got married. That 5 year plan became a 10 year plan as I kept pushing it off due to my own selfish wants and needs. And slowly, it also became a reality to me and my husband that if we ended up not having kids altogether whether it be because we simply chose not to or because of complications, we would actually be okay with that. This is super important to me that we be on the same page because some marriages are compromised over things like this when they cross that bridge and realize it’s just not in the cards. I didn’t want that to have any weight in our relationship and I’m glad it doesn’t. I’m also really glad we have such great communication in our relationship. 2011 me probably thought that our relationship had peaked in regards of how well we understood each other and communicated, but 2019 me would have to say no, it’s forever growing and changing even today. We’re even more open and in tune with each other now and work together as a team when we can. We learned to compromise even more whenever we can and know where our limits lay in order to not push those buttons out of respect for each other. It’s not easy but we make an effort to work at it everyday. Even through little things, like going for walks together to talk about our day and catch up on little things we didn’t get to share throughout the week. We take time to set aside time for each other but we also respect each other’s personal time and needing to de-stress in our own ways. We support each other in our own personal goals.
One of the things I realized that I’m really proud of once I sat back and looked at it, was the growth of my blogging journey over the past year. I started this with no real goal in mind. And a year has passed and I realized that the more I worked at it and dedicated my time to emails, networking, scheduling and planning out shoots and content, the more opportunities finally came my way. A year ago, I was going to pop-ups and events out of my own pocket and money. A year later, I’m getting invited, and brands and companies are interested in working with me. It’s crazy. I’m still humbled and over the moon every time I get a yes. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed but I welcome it at the same time because I love how busy it keeps me. It reminds me that whatever I’m doing, it’s working and that work is paying off.
Sometimes I get frustrated that things aren’t happening as fast as I want them to and that I’m struggling through some things but then I force myself into a reality check and remind myself that just because it’s not going the way I want them to, doesn’t mean that something greater isn’t at play. Patience is a hard thing to learn, but trust in the process that something amazing is headed your way. Trust.
“There’s good shit headed your way that you don’t even know about.” - Poussey Washington
I can’t wait to see where my life leads me in another 5 years and how much more I’ll grow and change. How much more my relationships will grow and change. How much more my friendships with grow and change. How my life will change.