“When someone really loves you, you can never be a burden.”
I read an IG interview of this girl who tried to throw herself a birthday party but worried about inconveniencing her friends with a theme even though she really wanted it. She worried people would be annoyed about having to dress in theme and how people might not like the throwback songs. So she gave up and cancelled the party entirely.
“It just worth the risk of being a burden.”
But through it all, her friends ended up throwing her a surprise party. Everyone showed up. People remembered the things she loved and incorporated it into the decorating. They played her favorite songs.
“This whole time I had worried so much about inconveniencing them, and now it hit me. They wanted me to inconvenience them. They wanted to go the extra mile for me. Because the truth is when someone loves you, you can never be a burden.”
I realized this is so true because in the last year, I learned who I was inconveniencing in my relationships. I communicated how much thought and overthinking went into when I make plans to try and make it as convenient for everyone as possible. How my life is a lot of the times, me trying to accomodate everyone and their individual comforts and needs. At meal gatherings, I would wait and monitor that everyone else had made a plate and had enough to eat before myself. If we were eating family style at a restaurant, I always count the pieces and make sure everyone got a piece before I took my own, when eating family style. I do not call for that consideration to be returned. Except for one occasion out of the entire year. And yet, somehow I was still trying to accommodate people. I don’t feel I ask for a lot back. I just ask for presence. I ask for time. Just be there. But also, maybe that’s the problem. Time is more valuable than most things. And for some, it’s asking for a lot, I guess.
In my anger I did the same thing as this person from the interview. I gave up and cancelled altogether. It didn’t make me happier. It made me quite the opposite. It made me feel abandoned. Sad. Alone. I was really down about it for a while and it really affected me deeply.
But then a a few months later, a friend suggested I try again anyway. A re-do of what was cancelled. I worried again. What if no one shows up? I didn’t want to go through more disappointment. Because it felt like confirmation of what I feared to be true. That I wasn’t enough. Maybe all my friends did feel burdened by me. I wasn’t enough for them to want to do it for me. But a friend suggested I pick a date and see whatever happens, happens. Because they themselves still wanted to come out for me.
It’s funny because I had an opposite mentality for my wedding date, being on a Friday instead of the traditional Saturday, and for being so far out East on Long Island. That time, I had more confidence. I knew that if people really wanted to attend my wedding, they’d make it work. They’ll make the plans, use the PTO, figure out how to get there. Because they wanted to. And the people who didn’t? The people who would complain? The people who would feel inconvenienced? You wouldn’t really want them there anyway.
And it’s so true. If I wanted to be there, I’d be there. I’d make it work.
So I honestly need to start treating that incident like that.
If they wanted to, they would.
And they did.
My friends made it out for me. It reminded me of the previous years before that. They made the effort when I held birthdays and holiday events with a cute dress code, remembering to dress up in theme. They didn’t think it was ‘little’ and overlook the small details and skim over that part of my text.
These events were pivotal for me. It showed me a lot of eye opening things. Most of all, who’s still holding space for me and who still wants to make space for me. Who still wants me in their lives. Who still pays attention.
I can’t say I’m not disappointed but maybe it was time. Was it inevitable? Who’s to say but I have to tell myself it was a necessary truth I needed to come to terms with.
It hurts to choose someone whom doesn’t seem to choose you back. All we want is to feel chosen by our own people. I chose this person as my best friend, but it never truly felt like I was theirs. They would never speak the words out loud. They would never commit to the words. Ironic because they claimed to be the type of person that didn’t believe something about someone until the person spoke the words out loud and confirmed it themselves. Is it irony? Or were they telling me something and I was ignoring the red flags the entire time.
I mean, in the end, I guess I was never their best friend anyway, having never reciprocated my same feelings of ‘best friendship.’
When someone asked who was the maid of honor, the answer was there isn’t one. In the same manner that a parent answers someone when they ask if they have a favorite child and the parent says they love all their children equally, but the tone gives it away that it’s not true. Meanwhile, there was a best man.
And I foolishly stepped forward to write and give the speech, being the only one who did step forward to do so.
I feel hurt because I did everything out of love for someone who saw my own needs and wants as burdens and inconveniences. I tried my best to meet them where they were at when I could. I watched their recommended shows and movies and took interest in the fandoms and things they loved so I could share in them too. I would try to learn a little about the niche things they liked. While I continued feeling unwanted. Rarely did they take any of my shows/movies recommendations. I would ask time and time again if they watched xyz.
Sometimes my initiation for conversation would go unanswered.
Maybe it’s my own fault. Trying so hard to continue fitting myself into someone’s life who clearly did not show signs of wanting to make room for me any longer. But the important thing I tell myself above all else is that the actions or lack thereof of this person toward me, does not define my value.
It has absolutely no place or reflection upon me. Only them and their own character of how they treat others. Which was eye opening when I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture realizing this was happening for so long and I was ignoring every time it happened to me, while friends and family watched on. They would later word vomit to me how much damage they saw done and had tried to warn me in little ways. But you never really see it when you love someone because rose colored glasses. You make excuses for them. “It’s just how they are.” But now the glasses are off.
My place in this now is deciding if I will continue to allow these types of characters in my life to have hold over me.
I shouldn’t. Why should I?
It’s disappointing, yes. But I have to learn to accept that despite the love you try to pour into the people you cherish, not everyone will know how to hold you. And it’s okay.
I know it’s taking me a while to heal and sometimes reading these blogs feel like I’m beating a dead fish but that’s what my journaling this year was for. I need to finish grieving the loss and start recognizing it as a new way forward. It’s just information.
Cause the truth is, I should be above it. It’s not my place to convince them if they should deem my place in their life valuable or not.
I’m not watching their lives. But they sure are watching mine.
And honestly, that should be all the answers I need.
It’s loud.
Why are you still checking up on me? I’m not sorry for being a burden in your life. You have to be a villager if you want to be part of the village. I hope you look for this burden in everything and everyone you encounter for the rest of your life. And may you never find it. I hope your life is easy and peaceful and routine and mundane. Simple. Minimalistic as you like to put it. Since that’s the trend you’re harping on these days.
Because I know now, the people I want in my own life, should also be people who I have no doubt in my mind that they want me in their own lives. They are wanting to be burdened. They want the birthday plans. The holiday dinners. The themed parties. The excuse to come all the way out for events, even if it’s all the way out to my house in bumblefuck. The dress code events. The seasonal events. The let’s hang out just because/no reason needed meet-ups.
I love getting that “burdened” text of “hey I’m in town, you wanna xyz?” and my response be like WHATWHENWHERE - I’m down.
I love talking about manifesting vacations and having a friend eavesdrop and go “I’M IN” and already looking at flights to join me.
Yes I wanna try that new restaurant.
Yes I wanna dress up and take dumb outfit pics.
Yes I wanna regret signing up for a marathon at 3am lol.
Because what is life without your friends burdening you with all these experiences to color your life in.
Call me. Text me. COUNT ME IN.
Burden me.
