My dad showed up to my house last night while I was at work. He had just come from the doctor’s office but was turned away because they couldn’t figure out his insurance coverage.
I work in healthcare and I still don’t fully understand American healthcare insurance coverage and why these companies are so cryptic at what’s covered, who’s in network, copays and why we still have to pay so much after already contributing so much of our paycheck towards coverage. Especially since my mom’s coverage sucks. Nothing is covered and all my dad’s prior doctors are no longer in network since her company switched plans 2 years ago. He had to find new doctors which takes a bit of time, along with having to wait for a new doctor to see him because of annoying “new patient” policies, especially when you have an imminent health issue/crisis that needs to be addressed in a timely manner. Some things just can’t wait and it’s been tiring finding new doctors to see who aren’t always the best either.
My sister was home and sent me a pic of my dad at my house doubled over in pain from something but refusing to go to the ER. I asked my husband who was also home to please take him and luckily they were able to convince him to come to my hospital to get seen. Perks of having a towering 6 foot husband over my tiny father, he can just throw him in the back of his truck.
As I walked down to the ER of my hospital to see who was working and to give them a heads up my dad was coming in so they could keep an eye on him for me, I felt a sudden wave of emotion come over me and immediately felt overwhelmed. A million thoughts went through my head as the charge nurse took my information. She was so sweet though in calming me down and being patient with me as I choked up. I don’t know why I just started crying, thinking of the worst for my dad. It’s the overthinker in me.
Then when he got in, everyone was so sweet in helping take care of him and addressing his needs and expediting his care where needed. I felt so sad because it must be so frustrating for my dad to articulate his needs and rely on his children to advocate for him. Being Asian and a male and a father, I can’t imagine how hard it is for him to ask for help. And even harder to accept that help. It was frustrating for me to realize a lot of this is the result of limited care due to my mom’s job providing their employees with such poor coverage. I was angry to learn my dad had been in increasing pain since Saturday, answering the nurses that his pain was a 9/10 and constant radiating pain. I was angry at the office for turning my dad away earlier that day instead of treating his pain with compassion. And even angrier at the realization that his experience is not an uncommon one. We need to do better. I understand it comes down to insurance coverage at the office but as healthcare professionals, we need to do better and see people asking for help as not just another number. We need to treat them as if that was our own family member facing these difficulties. We need to ask ourselves, “what else can we do to help them?” instead of turning them away without a second thought. This office could’ve offered to reach out to me to explain it to me and recommend other places he could try to be seen at. Especially when English is not their first language and you can clearly see them trying, asking for help, crying for someone to make them feel seen.
My parents also like to not tell me everything about their health. As if hiding some things to shield me from my eldest daughter burden, but also because they can’t always find the words to explain to me what they’re facing. It’s why I choose to go to their appointments with them when I can. I admit sometimes it feels like a burden because it is a lot out of my schedule sometimes to re-arrange my day but mostly because they notoriously don’t tell about these things until last minute for me to prepare myself to assist them. But I still would prefer to go with them than not. They did this for me growing up. This is the least I can do, taking care of them in return.
Especially since I can understand more of the medical jargon than they can.
I learned that my dad has been having this pain issue for some time. He was seen and treated for it last year through a procedure but it doesn’t seem he was aware that these treatments are not always permanent nor are they are a perfect solution. They require follow-up, maintenance and trial and error of other avenues to go through to find something that works, even if temporarily. The human body goes through constant wear and tear and we can not expect one quick fix to fix everything and forever. So here we are.
The nurse and doctors who took care of my dad last night were great. He refused to advocate for his pain and ask for any meds but I noticed him constantly trying to smile through it, as he winced back pain the entire time. I spoke up for him and was able to get the doctor to convince him to try something new that unfortunately didn’t take away all of his pain, but enough for him to be safely discharged home for the night, slightly relieved it wasn’t severe enough to warrant an overnight stay for observation. Now we await a follow up call for a referral, hopefully with an advocate that can help us find someone in his plan who’s covered and decent.
In the meantime, they sent a small amount of pain meds to hold him over to his local pharmacy but the script was sent at 2am when we were discharged so we had to wait til the next day to discover it was not in stock. It took another hoops and chutes hurdle to find a pharmacy that did stock it, but also another obstacle course to chase down the ED doctor to send another script since this was not only an ED doctor, but one that works overnight. Luckily my past 16 years of work karma had helped me build a community of friends and coworkers to come together to network and help me put all the pieces together to get this resolved for my dad. I’m so grateful for everyone who returned my texts and calls this evening as I scrambled to remedy this extremely stressful issue, stressed because I could only imagine how much pain he must be in, standing at the pharmacy being told this issue and having no idea how to fix it. It broke my heart watching him last night holding himself in pain. I wish I could take away his pain. His tired, old bones from years of manual labor, working countless hours, day in and day out, every holiday, in all weather - through the scorching summer heat on rooftops, through below freezing temperatures in the winter, to provide for his family so I could live the life I have today, as I work like a princess in a more comfortable office environment setting and making a better paycheck while he was making pennies as an “unskilled” immigrant. It really puts it into perspective that I do need to practice more gratitude. And I need to love my parents more for their hard work and sacrifices.
I’m grateful to also have the self awareness to appreciate and SEE what my parents do for me. Because I do see my peers not appreciating their own parents and seeing them as burdens instead, refusing to acknowledge the hardships their parents went through for them because selfish.
I want to do better going forward. I want to play a more active role in my dad’s health so he tells me more and feels comfortable to tell me. I’m honored that I’m his chosen emergency contact not because I’m his eldest daughter but because it shows his trust and respect for me. I know some people see it as a burden but honestly, it is truly a love language to be chosen as someone’s emergency contact, especially in today’s day and age of loneliness.
It’s interesting because growing up, my teenage years with him were our most…challenging years. We didn’t see eye to eye and I honestly thought we never would because we had so many fights and issues during that time. If you asked 18 year old me if we would be where we are today in our relationship, she’d laugh at you and tell you that her dad hates her and he probably can’t wait till she’s out of his life. But time is a funny thing.
Today, I’m glad my dad sees me as someone who will be there and do the right thing. I really hope at the end of the day he’s proud. I want to work on living my life as someone he can be proud of. I want to be just as hardworking, steadfast and devoted to my taking care of my loved ones as he is.
