Grief is a very complicated experience. It’s something that you don’t fully grasp until you experience it yourself firsthand, but also something you don’t wish upon anyone to have to go through.
My maternal grandfather passed away in Vietnam when I was in the 3rd grade. But I had never met him, having come to America when I was 1, after being born in a refugee camp in Thailand. I had never been to Vietnam because my family couldn’t afford to go back to visit when we were kids. It wouldn’t be until my second year of college, when I finally made my first pilgrimage to the motherland to finally meet and visit my mother’s family. My mother wanted me to go because she believed it was important for me to meet my grandmother at least once while she was still alive, as well as learn and experience the culture and land from where I came from. I went for about 3 weeks, adventuring from Saigon all the way up to Hue on a road trip to visit my grandfather’s grave to pay my respects. Since that trip, I haven't been back shamefully in over 10 years now. Life happens.
I had planned to go back again either this year or the next, before the pandemic happened, because I wanted to experience the Vietnamese New Year/Tet in its full glory. I wanted to see the celebrations, the color, the clothing, the family traditions, the decorations, everything. I don’t know when I’ll make it back next with the world in it’s current state and our original plans and lives now on hold. But unfortunately, not everything can be put on pause, as life still does go on, or in this case this past week, we learned the hard way that death stops for no one. We learned Sunday night that my maternal grandmother had just passed away. She has finally reunited with my grandfather in heaven.
Having only met my grandmother once and not having much of a relationship or attachment to her, I don’t really know how to feel about her passing. Of course, I’m sad but I don’t have as much grief over it as my mom. She, on the other hand, is having a hard time with it because last year my parents were supposed to go on a trip to visit my grandmother, but of course it was cancelled due to covid. This has caused her to feel guilty on top of not being able to currently fly back to attend the funeral, nor does she know when she’ll be able to go back to make a pilgrimage to visit the grave site, which is a big deal in Vietnam regarding your ancestors. For me, it doesn’t affect me as emotionally since I didn’t have as much of a relationship as my mother deeply did, but it does affect me in a different way because I feel absolutely helpless in not being able to help her cope or comfort her. While I consider my relationship with my mother to be close and a healthy one, our Asian nature is not very…touchy-feely for lack of a better word. We’re not the type to talk about our feelings or experiences to each other. Even a lot of my parents history, I had to learn through other family members as my parents don’t like to talk about themselves. It’s like they lived this secret life before me I don’t know much about and I’m too scared to ask in fear of being pushed off as nosy/disrespectful in Asian culture. We’re not very open or talkative.
So how do you comfort a grieving parent?
I wish I could just raise my hands up and take away other people's suffering. Their worries. Their sorrows. Their anxieties. Their illnesses. Take in all the poison and swallow their bitterness. And at the same time, right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I can't help but feel my family's stress of all the shit that's hitting the fan right now and it's a wall of different but exponentially building overwhelming emotions. Grief, loss, anger, depression, anxiety, nervousness, financial stress, uncertainty, guilt, sadness, helplessness.
A lot of it is uncharted waters for me so it's frustrating not knowing how to help. And it all snowballed together so quickly. I don't know how to be there. It's a really unsettling feeling when you're used to being reliable as the eldest child for immigrant parents. Especially when you can't offer solutions. I wish I could take it away. I wish I knew how to help them cope. I'm still dealing with my own grief despite it being 5 years now so I don't know the words to say to comfort any of the challenges being hurled right now. All I know is with time, it will pass. I am better than I was when I first experienced my first loss of someone very important and close to me a few years ago, but some days it creeps up on me like a surprise and I find myself in tears out of the blue. Grief is a hard thing. Once it’s in your life, it never really goes away. It will slowly grow to be less of a dark cloud over your head over time, but it never truly disappears. It only goes dormant and awakens to visit you periodically when you don’t expect it. So with this being my own personal experience with grief, how can I really offer any solace to my mom?
It's been a highly uncomfortable week learning how to navigate these uncharted waters. I used to think I was done learning but there's still a lot to do. I'm learning how to take care of my parents, both their physical and mental health. I used to think they were emotionless. That nothing could break them and that's why they were so strict on me when I was younger. That they wouldn't let me have friends or fun because they were hell bent on ruining my life. Now I know it was the opposite; they were protecting me. But I also know now they were just REALLY good at poker facing adulthood. They break and cry and feel sadness and helpless just like I do. They just try really hard at never letting me see them sweat. Which is probably where I get it from as well, trying always to keep it together and numb myself from reality of the gravity of things. Just because someone carries it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy. This week has been a hard one. This Chinese New Year is going to be hard. But it's the year of the ox. We have to be strong.
This too, shall pass. Another quote I've always lived by and found to ring true.
Thank you to those who have reached out and offered their kindness. I appreciate the patience, the time taken to listen, and the graciousness.
