Love Someone

When you love someone
You open up your heart
When you love someone
You make room.

I love these lyrics. I absolutely love this song. I heard it on the radio a few weeks back and fell in love. And the video is so stinking cute. Love can be applied in so many different ways. It’s not just for lovers but family, children, friends, and other companions in your life. There’s so many different ways to love and be loved.

It’s all about making the people you care about feel just as important and good inside, as they make you feel. Remember to TELL people these things. Don’t assume it should be an unspoken thing. It feels good to hear it sometimes from those you love. Listen when they need you to, help them grow when they need to, be there for them when they need you to be. Trust, it makes a difference.

Sometimes these conversations are “gay” to have, or hard to bring up without seeming cheesy. And it’s hard to be taken seriously sometimes but take the time. I know they’re hard for me to have with the people in my life because the people in my life don’t deal well with heavy subjects. And at the same time, it’s very hard for me allow myself to be vulnerable. Well, it’s hard for anyone to be vulnerable. You don’t want to appear weak and worse, get rejected when you pour your heart out. But regardless of the outcome, I do feel 100% better when I finally lay all my cards out on the table when talking to a loved one about how I feel. It’s like a purge of emotions. I’m a Scorpio so when I feel things, it gets very intense. And bottling things up isn’t healthy.

Sometimes the outcome from having these discussions don’t always go your way. You’re not received or perceived the way you want to come off because people may take things differently than how you mean it. They make take offense, they make interpret it differently, or they just may take longer processing their own feelings because it’s overwhelming for them to understand how you feel. But know that you should never apologize for your feelings. After you lay your cards on the table, the other party is allowed to react however they want to you, but the ball is also in your court in the fact that you may not control all the things that happen to you, but you can control how you react. If the outcome is not what you’re looking for, try to still react with love. Remember, love is patient.

And if these words are hard to say out loud, put them to paper. A love letter may be antiquated but it’s still heartfelt and resonating.

I remember being back in high school when my then-boyfriend now-husband and I were starting to rekindle our relationship. I remember being so scared of rejection, of wasting my time, of getting my heart broken again. I was only 13 at the time but in your teen years, all your emotions are amplified x10. I felt like I was risking everything. Dramatic, I know. But that’s how vulnerability feels. I felt like the world was going to end and every move needed to be precisely calculated at the right time. One wrong move and my world could come crumbling down. But I can also tell you how oh so wonderful it felt when I finally mustered up the courage to hold his hand and he didn’t flinch away in rejection. It felt like I was on top of the world. Looking back, I feel so silly but that’s how it felt at the time. But in retrospect, I can also tell you, it has made all the difference. All those years later, here we are. Because I finally took that leap and poured my heart on the table and opened myself up to love.

My romantic relationship is not the only time I have these moments though. I recently had to go through these difficult talks with my family as well. During my wedding I fought with my mom a lot. But when we finally got down to the nitty gritty to hash things out, we talked about our feelings and what we truly wanted and how much we mean to each other and what other people mean to us. And my dad witnessing all the fighting I was going through with my mom, pulled me aside one day and had a brief but effective talk with me as well. This is special because my father is a man of very little words so when he speaks to me, I know it has to be important. He asked me to please stop fighting with my mother, and told me flat out that he did not care what type of wedding I had, or what I wanted, but that he just wanted both of us to be happy. So please put aside our differences for two of the most important women in his life. This spoke volumes to me because as strong as I try to come off, I still do worry sometimes about how my father perceives me. I wonder what he thinks of my hair, how I dress, how wacky I am. Not that I’ll ever change, but there’s a child part inside of you that wants your family to accept you in some small form or way. And to know that my dad ultimately just wanted me to be happy, was enough for me. And this definitely showed on my wedding day when he danced with me when the DJ put him on the spot for the father daughter dance. All of the drama I ever had with him growing up, all of a sudden, melted away. And there was nothing but love left.

Sometimes those discussions are difficult to have, but they’re absolutely necessary. And honestly, after all the tears and thunderstorms are over, you do feel better.

So. Never be afraid to speak up and voice your feelings to your loved ones. Difficult talks make for better communication lines and better relationships in your life once you weather through those storms.

Goals for 2018 & 2019

Goals for 2018

1. ̶̶T̶r̶a̶v̶e̶l̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶i̶s̶ ̶D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶l̶a̶n̶d̶.̶ ̶D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶.̶ ̶H̶a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶e̶n̶, Christmas or NYE.

2. ̶S̶e̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶B̶r̶o̶a̶d̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶w̶, opera, ̶b̶a̶l̶l̶e̶t̶.

3. Furnish and complete the spare room into a full guest room.

   I never got around to doing this. But I did finally clear out the room last month and got rid of a lot of stuff. Hopefully next year I can finally get a bedframe and complete this project.

4. Clean out the garage.

   This was pure laziness. I never even opened the garage all year, honestly.

5. ̶ ̶G̶o̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶y̶m̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶!̶

6. ̶R̶u̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶5̶k̶,̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶w̶a̶r̶d̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶1̶0̶k̶.

7. Launch floating lanterns into the sky - Lantern Fest.

   This was not my fault. We drove all the way there to have them cancel it hours before on account of rain. The raindate wasn’t worth it either.

8. Learn to sew again and make my own skirts.

   I just never got around to buying a sewing machine and starting this project. Although now I’m getting rather lazy and would just buy everything or ask my mom to make it, given enough time.

9. Read one book a month.

   I actually did this half way. I read only half the year. After the summer I got lazy. So I read 6 books this year instead of 12. Does this count? Better than last year.

10. Get rid of all personal debts and dig myself out of my credit card debt so I can pay my card off in full again every month.

    I screwed up this goal through my birthday vacation YOLO-ing. I probably could’ve completed this if I wasn’t so reckless. But YOLO. No regrets. My birthday was awesome. Hopefully in 2019 I can get this under control if I discipline myself enough.

Reflection on 2018

• Travel - I didn’t expect Paris to actually happen. I was scared of doing this and being in a foreign country with a language barrier but it ended up being not an issue at all. And I did almost everything I wanted to do while I was there! I fell in love with this city and I can’t wait to go back one day. The people, the lights, the sights, the old history. And my Eiffel Tower photos! Everything was so magical. I’m glad I devoted a week to this city instead of trying to rush through it. I was able to soak it all in. And my Disney World birthday was absolutely amazing. And oh yeah! I checked off yet another Disneyland off my list in Paris. The last one left is now Hong Kong. Hopefully I get to visit that in the next few years. I also went on my first family vacation in years! It was actually a lot of fun and I really do want to go on more with my family and spend more time with them as I get older. I also visited Chicago for a hot minute this summer on a spontaneous trip. I do like planning itineraries, as stressful as they can be, and I like being able to check everything off as I go. Or watch myself do as much as I set out to do.

• Weddings - I went to so many weddings this year! I went to 3 weddings from my college friends and 1 from family on my husband’s side. And on top of that, a lot of people had babies this year. Something in the water. But I’m still not ready to drink from it. But I did love watching all my friends get married. Something about weddings are so magical. I love watching ceremonies and the wedding traditions. And I love celebrating my loved ones, being in love! I love the food, dressing up, the dancing, everything. It’s always a good time with great memories. I also love that a lot of them are like mini reunions so I get to see all my friends again. It’s hard now that we’re all adulting on different schedules in different zip codes. It’s interesting to see all the lives and paths we’ve set ourselves on post-college. We’re all growing up in different ways and at different paces.

• Cons - I actually only attended 2 comic cons this year and 2 beauty conventions. I made absolutely no new cosplays this year and just re-wore all my old ones with my revamped body so everything looked so much better than it ever did before. I’m not sure if any cons are in the cards for next year but I will probably continue with rewearing old costumes at this point if I do attend. I have no desire or motivation to make anything new anymore. I enjoy cosplaying but I don’t enjoy pouring any more time and money into it. I also hate that the majority of my follower count on Instagram is due to cosplay, making it hard for me to grow organically on my account. Sometimes I wonder if I should start over so that my acquired following is more genuine to the content I’m posting. I also hate that audience is 81% male. Males don’t tend to actively engage with your content as much (unless the intent is to troll, 90% of the time), which hurts how well my content is seen. It makes beating the Instagram algorithm very hard. I don’t care about getting famous or a lot of followers - I just wish that the people who actually wanted to see my content could actually see it and know of it.

• Exercise - If there was a theme for my 2018, this would be it. This was my main focus all year round. I worked on making this a reality, after years of so much trial and error and disappointment. I was determined to succeed this year and I’m really glad I pushed through and conquered this goal. The funny thing is if you look at the list I had set out for myself for 2018, I didn’t really accomplish much at all. In 2016, I made my weight loss goal a target of 115 lbs but I never reached it. I kept gaining weight instead of losing it. So it discouraged me from setting a target goal for 2018 when I made this list. I simply said I wanted to try going to the gym for a full year. Baby steps. And this ended up being the year I not only reached that target weight of 115 lbs but I dipped 10 lbs further than that! That alone and my results gave me such a high that made my entire year. I feel so accomplished from this alone that only fulfilling 4 of my 10 goals can’t get me down. This was such a big obstacle for me and I’m really proud of myself for finally pushing through and exceeding my own expectations. Within this one goal, I achieved so many little “wins” to help bring me to this place and I’m really just in awe of everything I achieved with my own two hands. In January, I was intimidated AF and never had done a deadlift or anything involving weights. Now I lift 3-5x a week and I absolutely love it. I never thought I would love lifting so much and find a new love for fitness. I’m excited to see if I can keep this up for 2019 and make it a true lifestyle change.

• Diet - This goes hand in hand with my exercise goal but I wanted to speak on this separately because I struggled with this more than actual exercising. I have no problem with working out as I really do enjoy it. But the diet part is the hardest part, and the actual 90% of the work to really see the results. So the commitment to this is a real challenge. I did it twice this year, in the winter-spring and then later in the fall to lose from 130 to 110 and then 115 to 105 respectively. Both times were equally hard even if the weight was less to lose the second time around. I can’t commit to the diet as a lifestyle change completely as the foodie in me misses food and bigger portions. So I made a compromise to myself. During my maintenance phase, I allow myself cheat meals and cheat days more often, so long as I watch the scale and know when to dial back. I try to eat healthy during the week 5 out of 7 days. I did make some diet lifestyle changes permanent though. I do make a conscious effort to eat more protein and less sugar and carbs. I’m also more conscious of watching my portion sizes.

• Pop-ups - This was the year of the pop-ups. It seems I traded in my cosplay life for exploring pop-ups instead for photo ops. I found that not all pop-ups are created equal and that a lot of places can do a lot with very little space, and vice versa - some places could be a big warehouse full of potential and be a flop if not done properly and creatively. I enjoyed visiting all of them and experiencing them for myself firsthand. I found them a great creative outlet for me to play with. I hope to find more great quality pop-ups to explore in 2019. Oh yes, I even had the opportunity of meeting my number one favorite supermodel of all time, the beautiful and gracious Adriana Lima herself due to these pop-ups!

• Photoshoots - In 2017, I had set a goal of doing at least one shoot a month and in 2018, I kept the same goal and fulfilled it. I want to keep shooting to keep building my portfolio and feed my creative nature, as well as fulfill the fashion bug in me. I have to tone down my style for work so my days off are my opportunities to let it all out. In 2019, I want to continue this, but hopefully build upon it even more and step up my game as well. Originally, the boy and I weren’t going to do Christmas gifts this year as we didn’t have any “wants” or “needs.” We’re at that age where we just don’t want random knick-knacks or tchotchkes anymore. But then he surprised me with a beautiful new camera for me to play with and finally get into learning some photography skills to be able to take better photos and on my own when I’m not able to schedule a photographer to shoot with. I’m always with my sister and we’re always gramming on our phones but now I’m excited to upgrade our IG game for the next year. I’m always on the search for beautiful places as well as ordinary places that photograph beautifully to show that you can turn any place into something magical through photos. You can take beautiful photos anywhere as long as you have a good eye. I’m also really happy because this gift shows how supportive he is towards my passions and love for photos. He’s also willing to learn and has been looking into it as well to take better photos for me when we travel. You don’t know how much this means to me and how something so little like this excites me. Somehow I still am finding ways to fall in love with this boy more and more every day.

• Adventures/Time Spent With Friends - A few years ago, I also made it a goal to spend less time on work and focus on spending more time with friends and family. And as time went on, I did. I let go of retail and switched over to hospital pharmacy and although I had to let go of a comfortable paycheck, I learned to downsize and budget, in exchange for my sanity. My shift in fields allowed me to leave work at work and spend more time with my loved ones. This year was packed with a lot of dates with my sisters! I enjoyed this a lot and I really hope to continue this trend next year. This year was not as successful as I would’ve liked for my friends though. We vacationed separately this year, which I am disappointed and sad about it, but adulting happens. One day the stars will align again. I’m happy and grateful we’re still able to make time for each other for small dates though and saw each other about once a month this year. It’s just hard when we all are on different schedules, different area codes and it looks like we’re all on different paths lately. But I’m excited for everyone and their changes. I want nothing but amazing things to happen for them and I know one day we’ll make our amazing adventures happen again. You have to let each other grow - you don’t have to grow apart, but you do have to allow each other room to grow up. And it seems like we all are finally growing up in little ways. Letting go of all the silly little things we used to do back then in our 20s. We still make time to talk to each other pretty much daily even if we’re just sharing dumb memes and photos.

• Bruno Mars Concert - This was my second big concert (my first being the Weeknd last year). Bruno really is the Michael Jackson of this generation with his energy and performances. He really puts on an amazing show and is over the top with all his effects - lights, glitter, fire everything! I also haven’t met a Bruno Mars song that I haven’t liked yet. Well, except for his collaboration with Cardi B because sorry not sorry, I just can’t stand her. But that song was out way before he added her onto it, so I still like it, just the version without her.

• Started my blog - I finally sat down and figured how this thing works after years of privately blogging on Blogger. I got over the trolls and said fuck it, here we go. It’s still a bit filtered but I do enjoy sharing my world, my thoughts, and my adventures with you guys. I hope to be able to continue this for as long as I can without running out of topics, sounding repetitive or getting boring. I don’t have a central theme like fashion, makeup or travel or anything unfortunately. I didn’t want to limit myself to one niche because I personally like writing about everything and anything that’s on my mind. I hope you guys have enjoyed the past year since I’ve started. My goal is not to become a social media influencer or star from this. I simply want to share my adventures and see where it leads me. I also want a central place to document all my adventures with the written word. Instagram is simply a highlight of my life with one quick photo and a limitation of what I can write. Sometimes I want to share more than one photo from a shoot and write more than a paragraph. And sometimes followers get annoyed with seeing so many photos from one shoot or even reading a caption. This is where my blog comes in for those who want to learn more about me than a quick snapshot. Although I’m still selective about what I blog about, I promised myself that I will keep everything as raw and truthful as I can. I’ll always post my honest opinion while remaining tactful. If anything, my goal is for this blog to be genuinely ME. I’ve never been able to identify myself to fit in a box or one word, so I hope this blog is a good representation of the many different pieces of me as you guys sift through the disorganization. I enjoy reading everyone’s comments and thoughts and I’m glad there are avid returning readers and supporters. So thank you guys for sticking around!

Pop-ups of 2018

I went to a lot more than 12 but these were some of my favorite photos from the ones I did visit.

Top 9 of Instagram

It looks like fitness was a favorite on the gram, as well as my cosplays even though I rarely cosplayed this year.

Looking Back at 2018 Adventures

There are more than 12 photos I want to post but these are some of my favorite.

New Goals for 2019

1. Maintain a 105-110 lb weight range and a sustainable diet and exercise balance.

2. Run a half marathon.

   • I really don’t want to embarrass myself in 2 months so I really need to be able to complete this.

3. Finish the spare room.

4. Italy in the spring? or Paris in the fall? Disneyland for Halloween, Disneyworld for NYE possibly.

5. Learn to drive stick.

   • The boy’s new car is a manual. I need to learn this so I can move his car out of the driveway when necessary or just in case I need it for any emergencies.

6. Finally pick up photography. Learn the basics so I can take and edit my own photos.

   • I’ve modeled for so many years and I realized how sad it is that I never took the time to learn. It would really help me take better photos when traveling and even when I’m just hanging out with friends and family. It’s an useful skill and good hobby to have and I’m excited to learn and start with my new camera.

7. Learn how to drive a motorcycle.

   • It would just be nice to be able to ride with the boy one day. And have the skill and know-how just in case for traveling purposes. Although I’m terrified to drive one around in Vietnam, it would still be nice to know for late night rides if I ever make it back there. Or even cute Vespa rides in Paris.

8. Take more photos with the boy!

   • I always look like I’m single or traveling solo but the truth is he hates photos. And it’s not that I don’t want him in my photos. I LOVE taking photos with him. I want to do more couple sessions and shoots.

9. Work with more creatives.

   • I love working with my favorite reliable and trusted photographers! But I also want to meet new creatives with different styles and eyes for a great shot. Regardless of my bad and unprofessional experiences I’ve encountered, I still want to give new people a shot and create some beautiful work.

10. Finish my pharmacy CEs early.

    • I have this terrible habit of waiting till last minute or letting it creep up on me. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to not let this happen this renewal time around.

Overall, my 2018 was about a lot of personal growth. This was a big theme for me in 2018. My fitness journey definitely opened my eyes up to a lot of things and made me realize the important things, and how in control I really am of my life. It helped me in a lot of ways, not just my weight loss. It activated a better level of happiness for me and I realized that I could do anything I wanted as long as I set my mind to it and worked at it. If I wanted to do something, I got up off my ass and hopped to it. I went to a lot of places this year, even if locally. I spent a lot of time being more positive than I’ve been previously, as I started to believe in myself a lot more. The high you get from working out is real. And it’s amazing how it snowballs into great things and allows you to not let the little things get to you. It actually helps you to let them bounce right off. I hope to take this attitude with me into 2019. It’s funny because 2018 actually started a little rough for me. January was really depressing and I was actually crying a lot. But as the year grew on, it got better and now that time when I was crying about my weight seems so far away. I’m actually worried at the same time about 2019. Did I peak in 2018? I mean, how much more can I do in 2019 to step up my game in everything? But you don’t know if you don’t go. I’m ready to jump into 2019 and see what great things lay ahead. Cheers to 2018 and it’s great gifts, and here’s to what the new year will bring us!