Ways to Love Harder

Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’ve always liked this holiday because of how cute and girly it is. And I always found the haters of it to be quite ridiculous. Take your bitterness somewhere else. If you think it’s just a “card holiday” and a scam to buy roses and chocolate, then stop celebrating Christmas and every other excessive holiday. I’m not saying it’s not a scam but you don’t hear people complaining about the Easter bunny being a scam. Or the people who wait year round for pumpkin spice lattes and Halloween. There’s Christmas merchandise out on the shelves as early as October and people who leave their lights on well past January but you don’t hear people crying about it as much as the haters of Valentine’s day do. I’m convinced no matter how hard you try to defend your disdain for Valentine’s day, it all comes down to bitterness and misery loves company. Because basically, being happy makes unhappy people uncomfortable. It’s true. It’s why some people are waiting for you to fail.

You could say it’s easy for me to not hate Valentine’s because I’m bias. I’ve been with my husband since high school. But even before him, I never hated it. And even when we were broken up, I still didn’t hate it. We actually broke up right after Valentine’s, the first time we dated. I have no vendetta against February 14th. And for those who argue that you shouldn’t celebrate your loved ones on just one day of the year, but all year round, well I don’t argue that. You’re right. You should. But it’s just a fun holiday to be even more extra and why not? You can eat candy all year round buying it in bulk packaging from Costco so why do you wait till Halloween to collect it from stranger’s doors and feast? It’s just fun.

But again, the haters are right about one thing. You SHOULD celebrate your loved ones every day of the year. You should continue falling in love with the love of your life everyday. Love hard, and love with all your heart. And if you haven’t met that person yet, you can still show your other loved ones how much you care. I came up with a list of ways you can “love harder” in your life, whether it be a lover, parent, sibling, best friend, neighbor, or whoever the person who means a lot to you is. Romantic love is not the only type of love out there. The bond between a sister is sacred. The bond between a parent and child is sacred. The bond between friends is sacred. There are so many ways to love and so many ways to show that love. And they’re not hard. Here are some simple, fun and easy ways to light up someone’s day and show them how much they mean to you.

1. Compliments. Compliment when they're not around. Compliment when they are. See them smile and blush when they hear what’s being said about them. You ever notice that even when a stranger compliments you, it’s in the back of your head all day and makes you feel good? You can’t help but stupid smile and it makes your day. Do it to your loved ones. Everyday.

2. Take photos of the one you love. Take photos of your friends. Hype them up. Say yasssss bitch work it you so fierce! Make them your phone wallpaper. My friends and I did this once. I thought it was the cutest thing when my friend opened her phone and I saw my stupid face on it in a SNOW filter.

3. Call them up. Ask how they're doing. Catch up. Or text even if you’re not the type to talk on the phone. Send a cute pic. Or a silly one. (Not a dick pic. I mean, unless the other person is into that, but make sure it’s not unsolicited!) One of my best friends is on a different pace and path than I am so we’re not always able to keep up with each other. But I always try to text her every so often to see how she’s doing and I love that we can pick up right where we left off. It’s always even more amazing when our schedules can align and we can have brunch together. Which leads me to my next few ways to love harder…

4. Take them out to breakfast. Brunch. Lunch. Dinner. Dessert. Coffee. Whatever. Whether it’s just a quick meal or cup of coffee, take an hour of your day out just for them. Can you spare 4% of your day for someone you claim means so much to you? If not, you need to re-evaluate your priorities in life. Remember not to take the people who care for you, for granted. And do it without needing an occasion. Because do you really need an occasion to spend time with your favorite people?

5. Bake them some goodies. Food is always made and shared with love. Is there a favorite dish they have that you can make them? Or if you can’t, is there something you can pick up for them that they would love? Donuts? Macarons? Chocolate? Or if they’re not into sweets, make them a veggie tray! A baked pasta dish! No one ever says no to food. I swear, you can win me over with food any day.

6. Carry an extra water bottle in your bag, car, wherever. Give it to someone in need. A co-worker who forgot theirs at home. Or a homeless person on the street in need. An animal you see on a hot summer day and they’re dying of thirst. Pour it out and help them. Small gestures still mean a lot. And water is such a simple thing that we take for granted but when it’s 100 degrees on a hot summer day, you won’t regret it. I had a friend who used to carry extra water bottles in their car and it was always so helpful if we weren’t near a convenience store or anything. And once at a comic convention, a friendly cosplayer stopped by a booth with entire cases of water for all and let me tell you, he was the hero for that day. So in the summers when I go on trips with my friends, I always make sure each person has one before we leave the house. It’s a mom trait I’ve attained but hey, the small gestures of love are exactly like ripples in a pond.

7. Buy flowers just because. My mom used to say she hated flowers because she thought they were a waste of money. Until my then-boyfriend, now-husband showed up and gifted her her own bouquet. And since then, my dad started being romantic again and gifting her flowers every birthday, Valentine’s and Christmas. Guess who posts it on her Facebook every. Single. Time. Yup, this woman who now has to eat her words as she lights up every holiday and shows off her gifts on social media proudly.

8. Send a care package with their favorite snacks, teas, books, little make-up items, and a handwritten note. Leave on their doorstep. Or mail it to them if they live far. Trust me. They appreciate every little morsel. I sent my brother one, one year when he was stationed in Ohio for work training and bored out of his mind because Ohio. He loved it.

9. Make them a playlist. Put together songs that remind you of them. Back in the day when I was growing up (damn that phrase makes me sound like a fossil), we used to burn cds for each other of our favorite songs. I remember making a bunch of sappy love songs for my boyfriend. And then he would send me songs on AIM that he thought reminded him of me. Mine were all sappy cheesy love songs while his was all weird hipster rap. But when you read into the lyrics, it’s actually quite sentimental and when you get past the cheesiness, it’s actually really cute.

10. Do you have any artistic skills? Can you draw? Play an instrument? Sing a song? Paint? Create something! I guarantee you your lover, friend, family member will be over the moon that you did something so personal and from the heart. Or sign both of you up for a cooking class or rock climbing or something else fun, new and exciting to both of you. Or even just take the time to learn something from them that they’re passionate about. Showing interest in your loved ones’ passions is probably one of the biggest turn-ons ever.

I enjoyed making this list because my husband and I actually have gotten to a point where we don’t really know what to do for the other anymore in terms of gifts. It’s hard to “top” each other when we’ve been together so long. But honestly, I love any gestures, big or small, and silly things so it’s never about how expensive a gift is, but rather how much thought and devotion goes into it. Last year, he feigned tiredness after work to skip out on a birthday dinner I was having with my friends. When I got home, I instead found my room filled entirely with balloons everywhere in time for the clock to strike my birthday’s arrival. The ceiling was covered, the floor was littered everywhere with balloons. And to know that he took the time to try and hide this all to put it together, that alone made me smile stupidly. He had bought all these helium tanks from Target, sat there and blew them up and then manually blew them up when he ran out of helium. That’s love. It’s not always a dozen red roses. Sometimes it’s till you’re blue in the face from blowing up some IG hoe’s birthday balloons.

What are you guys doing for your loved ones for Valentine’s day!?

Goals for 2018 & 2019

Goals for 2018

1. ̶̶T̶r̶a̶v̶e̶l̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶P̶a̶r̶i̶s̶ ̶D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶l̶a̶n̶d̶.̶ ̶D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶.̶ ̶H̶a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶e̶n̶, Christmas or NYE.

2. ̶S̶e̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶B̶r̶o̶a̶d̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶w̶, opera, ̶b̶a̶l̶l̶e̶t̶.

3. Furnish and complete the spare room into a full guest room.

   I never got around to doing this. But I did finally clear out the room last month and got rid of a lot of stuff. Hopefully next year I can finally get a bedframe and complete this project.

4. Clean out the garage.

   This was pure laziness. I never even opened the garage all year, honestly.

5. ̶ ̶G̶o̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶y̶m̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶e̶a̶r̶!̶

6. ̶R̶u̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶5̶k̶,̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶t̶o̶w̶a̶r̶d̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶1̶0̶k̶.

7. Launch floating lanterns into the sky - Lantern Fest.

   This was not my fault. We drove all the way there to have them cancel it hours before on account of rain. The raindate wasn’t worth it either.

8. Learn to sew again and make my own skirts.

   I just never got around to buying a sewing machine and starting this project. Although now I’m getting rather lazy and would just buy everything or ask my mom to make it, given enough time.

9. Read one book a month.

   I actually did this half way. I read only half the year. After the summer I got lazy. So I read 6 books this year instead of 12. Does this count? Better than last year.

10. Get rid of all personal debts and dig myself out of my credit card debt so I can pay my card off in full again every month.

    I screwed up this goal through my birthday vacation YOLO-ing. I probably could’ve completed this if I wasn’t so reckless. But YOLO. No regrets. My birthday was awesome. Hopefully in 2019 I can get this under control if I discipline myself enough.

Reflection on 2018

• Travel - I didn’t expect Paris to actually happen. I was scared of doing this and being in a foreign country with a language barrier but it ended up being not an issue at all. And I did almost everything I wanted to do while I was there! I fell in love with this city and I can’t wait to go back one day. The people, the lights, the sights, the old history. And my Eiffel Tower photos! Everything was so magical. I’m glad I devoted a week to this city instead of trying to rush through it. I was able to soak it all in. And my Disney World birthday was absolutely amazing. And oh yeah! I checked off yet another Disneyland off my list in Paris. The last one left is now Hong Kong. Hopefully I get to visit that in the next few years. I also went on my first family vacation in years! It was actually a lot of fun and I really do want to go on more with my family and spend more time with them as I get older. I also visited Chicago for a hot minute this summer on a spontaneous trip. I do like planning itineraries, as stressful as they can be, and I like being able to check everything off as I go. Or watch myself do as much as I set out to do.

• Weddings - I went to so many weddings this year! I went to 3 weddings from my college friends and 1 from family on my husband’s side. And on top of that, a lot of people had babies this year. Something in the water. But I’m still not ready to drink from it. But I did love watching all my friends get married. Something about weddings are so magical. I love watching ceremonies and the wedding traditions. And I love celebrating my loved ones, being in love! I love the food, dressing up, the dancing, everything. It’s always a good time with great memories. I also love that a lot of them are like mini reunions so I get to see all my friends again. It’s hard now that we’re all adulting on different schedules in different zip codes. It’s interesting to see all the lives and paths we’ve set ourselves on post-college. We’re all growing up in different ways and at different paces.

• Cons - I actually only attended 2 comic cons this year and 2 beauty conventions. I made absolutely no new cosplays this year and just re-wore all my old ones with my revamped body so everything looked so much better than it ever did before. I’m not sure if any cons are in the cards for next year but I will probably continue with rewearing old costumes at this point if I do attend. I have no desire or motivation to make anything new anymore. I enjoy cosplaying but I don’t enjoy pouring any more time and money into it. I also hate that the majority of my follower count on Instagram is due to cosplay, making it hard for me to grow organically on my account. Sometimes I wonder if I should start over so that my acquired following is more genuine to the content I’m posting. I also hate that audience is 81% male. Males don’t tend to actively engage with your content as much (unless the intent is to troll, 90% of the time), which hurts how well my content is seen. It makes beating the Instagram algorithm very hard. I don’t care about getting famous or a lot of followers - I just wish that the people who actually wanted to see my content could actually see it and know of it.

• Exercise - If there was a theme for my 2018, this would be it. This was my main focus all year round. I worked on making this a reality, after years of so much trial and error and disappointment. I was determined to succeed this year and I’m really glad I pushed through and conquered this goal. The funny thing is if you look at the list I had set out for myself for 2018, I didn’t really accomplish much at all. In 2016, I made my weight loss goal a target of 115 lbs but I never reached it. I kept gaining weight instead of losing it. So it discouraged me from setting a target goal for 2018 when I made this list. I simply said I wanted to try going to the gym for a full year. Baby steps. And this ended up being the year I not only reached that target weight of 115 lbs but I dipped 10 lbs further than that! That alone and my results gave me such a high that made my entire year. I feel so accomplished from this alone that only fulfilling 4 of my 10 goals can’t get me down. This was such a big obstacle for me and I’m really proud of myself for finally pushing through and exceeding my own expectations. Within this one goal, I achieved so many little “wins” to help bring me to this place and I’m really just in awe of everything I achieved with my own two hands. In January, I was intimidated AF and never had done a deadlift or anything involving weights. Now I lift 3-5x a week and I absolutely love it. I never thought I would love lifting so much and find a new love for fitness. I’m excited to see if I can keep this up for 2019 and make it a true lifestyle change.

• Diet - This goes hand in hand with my exercise goal but I wanted to speak on this separately because I struggled with this more than actual exercising. I have no problem with working out as I really do enjoy it. But the diet part is the hardest part, and the actual 90% of the work to really see the results. So the commitment to this is a real challenge. I did it twice this year, in the winter-spring and then later in the fall to lose from 130 to 110 and then 115 to 105 respectively. Both times were equally hard even if the weight was less to lose the second time around. I can’t commit to the diet as a lifestyle change completely as the foodie in me misses food and bigger portions. So I made a compromise to myself. During my maintenance phase, I allow myself cheat meals and cheat days more often, so long as I watch the scale and know when to dial back. I try to eat healthy during the week 5 out of 7 days. I did make some diet lifestyle changes permanent though. I do make a conscious effort to eat more protein and less sugar and carbs. I’m also more conscious of watching my portion sizes.

• Pop-ups - This was the year of the pop-ups. It seems I traded in my cosplay life for exploring pop-ups instead for photo ops. I found that not all pop-ups are created equal and that a lot of places can do a lot with very little space, and vice versa - some places could be a big warehouse full of potential and be a flop if not done properly and creatively. I enjoyed visiting all of them and experiencing them for myself firsthand. I found them a great creative outlet for me to play with. I hope to find more great quality pop-ups to explore in 2019. Oh yes, I even had the opportunity of meeting my number one favorite supermodel of all time, the beautiful and gracious Adriana Lima herself due to these pop-ups!

• Photoshoots - In 2017, I had set a goal of doing at least one shoot a month and in 2018, I kept the same goal and fulfilled it. I want to keep shooting to keep building my portfolio and feed my creative nature, as well as fulfill the fashion bug in me. I have to tone down my style for work so my days off are my opportunities to let it all out. In 2019, I want to continue this, but hopefully build upon it even more and step up my game as well. Originally, the boy and I weren’t going to do Christmas gifts this year as we didn’t have any “wants” or “needs.” We’re at that age where we just don’t want random knick-knacks or tchotchkes anymore. But then he surprised me with a beautiful new camera for me to play with and finally get into learning some photography skills to be able to take better photos and on my own when I’m not able to schedule a photographer to shoot with. I’m always with my sister and we’re always gramming on our phones but now I’m excited to upgrade our IG game for the next year. I’m always on the search for beautiful places as well as ordinary places that photograph beautifully to show that you can turn any place into something magical through photos. You can take beautiful photos anywhere as long as you have a good eye. I’m also really happy because this gift shows how supportive he is towards my passions and love for photos. He’s also willing to learn and has been looking into it as well to take better photos for me when we travel. You don’t know how much this means to me and how something so little like this excites me. Somehow I still am finding ways to fall in love with this boy more and more every day.

• Adventures/Time Spent With Friends - A few years ago, I also made it a goal to spend less time on work and focus on spending more time with friends and family. And as time went on, I did. I let go of retail and switched over to hospital pharmacy and although I had to let go of a comfortable paycheck, I learned to downsize and budget, in exchange for my sanity. My shift in fields allowed me to leave work at work and spend more time with my loved ones. This year was packed with a lot of dates with my sisters! I enjoyed this a lot and I really hope to continue this trend next year. This year was not as successful as I would’ve liked for my friends though. We vacationed separately this year, which I am disappointed and sad about it, but adulting happens. One day the stars will align again. I’m happy and grateful we’re still able to make time for each other for small dates though and saw each other about once a month this year. It’s just hard when we all are on different schedules, different area codes and it looks like we’re all on different paths lately. But I’m excited for everyone and their changes. I want nothing but amazing things to happen for them and I know one day we’ll make our amazing adventures happen again. You have to let each other grow - you don’t have to grow apart, but you do have to allow each other room to grow up. And it seems like we all are finally growing up in little ways. Letting go of all the silly little things we used to do back then in our 20s. We still make time to talk to each other pretty much daily even if we’re just sharing dumb memes and photos.

• Bruno Mars Concert - This was my second big concert (my first being the Weeknd last year). Bruno really is the Michael Jackson of this generation with his energy and performances. He really puts on an amazing show and is over the top with all his effects - lights, glitter, fire everything! I also haven’t met a Bruno Mars song that I haven’t liked yet. Well, except for his collaboration with Cardi B because sorry not sorry, I just can’t stand her. But that song was out way before he added her onto it, so I still like it, just the version without her.

• Started my blog - I finally sat down and figured how this thing works after years of privately blogging on Blogger. I got over the trolls and said fuck it, here we go. It’s still a bit filtered but I do enjoy sharing my world, my thoughts, and my adventures with you guys. I hope to be able to continue this for as long as I can without running out of topics, sounding repetitive or getting boring. I don’t have a central theme like fashion, makeup or travel or anything unfortunately. I didn’t want to limit myself to one niche because I personally like writing about everything and anything that’s on my mind. I hope you guys have enjoyed the past year since I’ve started. My goal is not to become a social media influencer or star from this. I simply want to share my adventures and see where it leads me. I also want a central place to document all my adventures with the written word. Instagram is simply a highlight of my life with one quick photo and a limitation of what I can write. Sometimes I want to share more than one photo from a shoot and write more than a paragraph. And sometimes followers get annoyed with seeing so many photos from one shoot or even reading a caption. This is where my blog comes in for those who want to learn more about me than a quick snapshot. Although I’m still selective about what I blog about, I promised myself that I will keep everything as raw and truthful as I can. I’ll always post my honest opinion while remaining tactful. If anything, my goal is for this blog to be genuinely ME. I’ve never been able to identify myself to fit in a box or one word, so I hope this blog is a good representation of the many different pieces of me as you guys sift through the disorganization. I enjoy reading everyone’s comments and thoughts and I’m glad there are avid returning readers and supporters. So thank you guys for sticking around!

Pop-ups of 2018

I went to a lot more than 12 but these were some of my favorite photos from the ones I did visit.

Top 9 of Instagram

It looks like fitness was a favorite on the gram, as well as my cosplays even though I rarely cosplayed this year.

Looking Back at 2018 Adventures

There are more than 12 photos I want to post but these are some of my favorite.

New Goals for 2019

1. Maintain a 105-110 lb weight range and a sustainable diet and exercise balance.

2. Run a half marathon.

   • I really don’t want to embarrass myself in 2 months so I really need to be able to complete this.

3. Finish the spare room.

4. Italy in the spring? or Paris in the fall? Disneyland for Halloween, Disneyworld for NYE possibly.

5. Learn to drive stick.

   • The boy’s new car is a manual. I need to learn this so I can move his car out of the driveway when necessary or just in case I need it for any emergencies.

6. Finally pick up photography. Learn the basics so I can take and edit my own photos.

   • I’ve modeled for so many years and I realized how sad it is that I never took the time to learn. It would really help me take better photos when traveling and even when I’m just hanging out with friends and family. It’s an useful skill and good hobby to have and I’m excited to learn and start with my new camera.

7. Learn how to drive a motorcycle.

   • It would just be nice to be able to ride with the boy one day. And have the skill and know-how just in case for traveling purposes. Although I’m terrified to drive one around in Vietnam, it would still be nice to know for late night rides if I ever make it back there. Or even cute Vespa rides in Paris.

8. Take more photos with the boy!

   • I always look like I’m single or traveling solo but the truth is he hates photos. And it’s not that I don’t want him in my photos. I LOVE taking photos with him. I want to do more couple sessions and shoots.

9. Work with more creatives.

   • I love working with my favorite reliable and trusted photographers! But I also want to meet new creatives with different styles and eyes for a great shot. Regardless of my bad and unprofessional experiences I’ve encountered, I still want to give new people a shot and create some beautiful work.

10. Finish my pharmacy CEs early.

    • I have this terrible habit of waiting till last minute or letting it creep up on me. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to not let this happen this renewal time around.

Overall, my 2018 was about a lot of personal growth. This was a big theme for me in 2018. My fitness journey definitely opened my eyes up to a lot of things and made me realize the important things, and how in control I really am of my life. It helped me in a lot of ways, not just my weight loss. It activated a better level of happiness for me and I realized that I could do anything I wanted as long as I set my mind to it and worked at it. If I wanted to do something, I got up off my ass and hopped to it. I went to a lot of places this year, even if locally. I spent a lot of time being more positive than I’ve been previously, as I started to believe in myself a lot more. The high you get from working out is real. And it’s amazing how it snowballs into great things and allows you to not let the little things get to you. It actually helps you to let them bounce right off. I hope to take this attitude with me into 2019. It’s funny because 2018 actually started a little rough for me. January was really depressing and I was actually crying a lot. But as the year grew on, it got better and now that time when I was crying about my weight seems so far away. I’m actually worried at the same time about 2019. Did I peak in 2018? I mean, how much more can I do in 2019 to step up my game in everything? But you don’t know if you don’t go. I’m ready to jump into 2019 and see what great things lay ahead. Cheers to 2018 and it’s great gifts, and here’s to what the new year will bring us!

My Christmas Wish

I am lucky. I am really lucky. 

I have a husband who drops everything to make me happy. Who tries his damn hardest to make time for me, to be with me, who wants to be with me all the time even if it's doing things only I like to do. And trust me, there's a lot. We don't have a lot in common at all actually. People who know us are always curious as to how we're together knowing our polar opposite personalities. But then they get to know my husband and they see how truly devoted he is to his wife. So it's not always about having anything in common to be with someone. Love is just love.

I also have an amazing family that does a lot for me. My mom, as annoying as she can be sometimes with her bad habits (that I have also inherited - hence why I'm forever late everywhere), will drive me insane but she will also do anything I need. Like fixing both wedding dresses 2 nights before the wedding because I stupidly lost too much weight. Or making me an entire new outfit for Disney, hours before my flight. My dad will give you a hard time if you ask him about something. But then he'll write you a check and quietly leave it in the morning. Or quietly pay for the whole family to go on vacation, my husband included. My siblings will always take care of one another, even in their petty state of anger against each other. We'll still fight over the check at dinner.

My best friends will band together and make sure I have the best birthdays ever always. We never make anything about money but rather about having a good time when we hang out. We still make time to sync our schedules up to hang out, watch movies, have dinner, sleep over, go on vacations, do stupid random stuff, make time to listen to each other rant and vent, etc.

 The common thing is, all these people in my life are there for me. And when I ask them for a piece of their time, they try to make that time for me. Sometimes the stars don't always align because adult life is truly hard to navigate with everyone's differing schedules, appointments, obligations and responsibilities but the point is they try to make the time. Why?

Because you MAKE time for what's important to you. And for WHO is important to you.

And everything else? Is just an excuse. Think about it. If you start replacing your "I don't have time" or "I have to work" or "I have to watch paint dry" excuses with "It's not a priority" to me, see how it changes everything around? It shows your true colors and how you really feel. You make time for those you love, and you make time for what's more important to you. You pull strings, you go the extra mile, you work around schedules. If you don't, it shows you're not willing to put in an effort to make someone or something else a priority in your life. Which is really ridiculous. If someone important in your life is taking the time out for you, why would you not in turn do that for them? Don't love someone less than they love you if you claim to love them so much. It's not fair to the people who love you and put in the time for you and appreciate you. You're disrespecting that love. 

You know what I don't understand? Half-lovers. People who only love you when it's convenient for them. You don't get to pick and choose what's convenient for you. If you're going to commit to a relationship, commit to it. FULLY. One hundred percent. Maybe it's because I've always been spoiled all my life that I can't understand why someone would short change another person they claim to care about so much. 

I'm used to loving others 100% and giving it my all.  

When I love someone, I love hard. I will be there for them night and day. I will pick you up in the middle of the night if you need a ride cause you're locked out of your car or stranded or whatever, sit with you when you're in pain from a break up and need a shoulder to cry on, make house calls to make sure you have everything you need if you're sick or recovering post surgery, whatever. And I believe that's how love should be, whether it's between lovers, friends, family, whatever. So it hurts me to see when that love is getting taken for granted. It hurts me to see my loved ones not being loved as they deserved to be. Because they truly deserve so much more than what I see them being handed.

Don't wait to show your loved ones how much you care. Start now. Everyday. Every chance. Every moment. Make it count. Don't let times of crisis be a wake up call to realize what you had. Appreciate it NOW. Don’t let it be too late before you realize how much you love someone.

I realized this too late a few years ago when I experienced my first loss due to suicide. It happened exactly around this time of the year too. A few days after Christmas. It still haunts me everyday and I'm still going through the stages of mourning. I don't know if we ever really get over anything. Some days are just better than others. In the beginning, for the first year or two, I had a lot of trouble dealing. As time went on, I don't believe time "healed" anything but I simply learned to move forward. That's what my friend would have wanted me to do. But I also want to say I learned from my mistakes. I should have spent more time with them. But I move forward with my life now and try my hardest to spend time with the important people in my life. I try to spend more time making memories and having fun experiences. I don't want to waste time on the dumb stuff. Being angry, holding grudges, etc. Because in the end it really is a waste of time that could be better spent on the things that matter like vacations, dinners, new places, movies, etc.

Yes, I know the amount of photos I take is ridiculous. But I'd rather look back on my life and see all those photographic memories than have none due to petty resentments.

So.

Dear Santa,

You can keep all the gifts in your bag. I don’t want any of it this year. All I want for Christmas this year is something you can’t give me. My Christmas wish is for my friends and family to continue giving me their time and love when I need them. Just give me your time. I want to take even more photos next year, make even more memories and have even more fun.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, bitches.