The Next Hurdle

Would you believe me if I told you 10 years ago I almost dropped out of pharmacy school?

I walked out of St John’s pharmacy building after checking one of my exam grades, in tears. I was really worried about how the rest of the semester would go. I failed an exam of a class that banked on just two exams for your final grade. Nothing else. No homework, participation, etc. And if you failed that class, it barred you from taking the rest of the semester’s classes because of the way St John’s sets up the program. It’s all or nothing, which is a really terrible idea for a program honestly and sets you up for failure. Nevermind that their ‘teaching’ methods are honestly a joke. But back to the point. I was on the brink of “Is this really for me?,” “How am I ever going to pull this off?,” “There’s no way I can pass with a high enough score to even out this failing grade…” I was ready to walk into the dean’s office and tell him that was it. I was done.

So I did. I walked into the pharmacy building the next day to talk to the head chair and… was talked out of it, lol. You know one of the funniest things about St John’s (at the time at least) was that the professors are absolute hell out to fail you, but Dean Mangione and Assistant Dean Joseph Etzel are absolute sweethearts. They somehow talked me off the ledge and back into the fray. I wish I remembered how but all I remember was walking away from that meeting and working towards giving it one last shot. I mustered up my courage to ask my classmates and friends for help and in the end, the people who are still in my life today, are the people that came through. They sent me all their notes, exam study tips, old exams, study sheets, etc. They would text me after their own exam, circling everything they could remember so I would know what to focus on and study. And then in 2012, spoilers, I walked out of those halls with a diploma and pharmacy degree in hand. Later that summer, I passed my licensing exam and was officially a pharmacist.

I did a lot in the past decade when I look back at it. If I had told 2010 me where I would be in 2020, I would've thought she was joking. I mean, I dreamed and had goals but I never really thought I would get it all done. I had no idea back then what it took to plan and execute a wedding. How to buy a car. How to buy a house. Hell, how to take care of your own house as a homeowner. How to take care of shit every time your car decides it wants you to throw more money into it to fix something. How to make your own travel plans. How to travel. How to handle getting sued. How to do your taxes. How to hire a lawyer. How to manage a business like a well oiled machine. How to train people to work the way you want and build a team. How to handle rude and sometimes racist customers hellbent on fighting you and trying to get you to break the law for them. How to fight the red devil and fight fire with fire when being bamboozled by an evil corporation. How to go on job interviews and win them over. How to figure out if the job is right for you and if you're being lowballed. How to adjust to a new job with lower pay but better quality of life in the long run so you downsize to make ends meet. How to live on your own and have to cook and prepare your own meals. How to save and budget. How to entertain guests and throw house/dinner parties. How to go to physical therapy to correct body movement issues so you can run again. How to have balance in your relationships so that both of you are happy. How to set aside time for each other when you're on opposite busy schedules and give the other person room to grow. How to maintain your friendships despite schedules not aligning and how to recognize when to cut the cord on the toxic ones. How to exercise. How to eat clean. How to lose weight and stay on the right track. How to maintain an active lifestyle. How to adult 101. How to, how to, how to.

Every hurdle is scary when you don’t know how to do something. It’s uncomfortable. It makes you feel like giving up a lot, at times. It feels like the little engine that could. You’re just pushing up a hill, worried the whole time that everything is going to crash and burn. Until you finally get through it and you look back and you’re like DAMN. I DID THAT.

And sometimes, like my pharmacy school experience, you’re going to fail. You’re going to fall down a few times and feel like you hit rock bottom. But it doesn’t mean you FAILED-FAILED. It doesn’t mean the end. It just means you gotta get back up and try again. Try something different. Try harder. Ask for help. Look for another way.

This was also me in the past decade as I struggled with my weight issues for a few years trying to find out what worked for my body in order to properly lose the weight I was piling on. I thought cardio and HIIT workouts would help but saw no results. When I finally broke down and reached out for help, a friendly and willing gym member took me on and pushed me through to help me get the results I wanted so badly. I learned discipline, patience and consistency. I learned that weight lifting would not make me ‘bulky.’ And it wasn’t just for guys. It would actually tone me more than any amount of cardio ever would. I learned that my portions were way out of control. I learned to cut back and eat smaller portions and how to select the right foods to lose weight, maintain weight, and to reduce my body’s bloat problems. I learned I actually really like working out and now I continue to do it as part of my daily routine to feel normal and to give me a boost of energy to start my day.

I could go on. There are so many trial and errors, fails, etc that I did in the past 10 years. And they all taught me the same thing, I would say. I am resilient and I am stronger than I know in moments of adversity.

I get asked a lot on how I built such a ‘perfect’ life but there’s nothing easy or perfect about it. My life only looks easy on the internet because let’s face it, no one is posting their failures. But trust me, I’m there struggling and working through it too, like everyone else. I know we all feel like we’re less than perfect but trust me when I tell you that EVERYONE is going through it. The problem truly is that you’re comparing your timeline to someone else’s. But social media is powerful both ways. It also allows people to open up and be vulnerable in sharing their story because they feel courage in other people sharing theirs. It should also give you hope too. If that person can make it through their day despite their obstacles, you can make it through too. Don’t ever feel like you’re less than perfect just because another person on social media’s life looks like sunshine Barbie. You also don’t know what it took for them to get there or what they’re going through. You don’t know their story. But you do know yours and only you have the power to change its course if you don’t like where it’s currently heading. You just have to be willing to put in the work. Remember, no one said it was going to be easy, but I can tell you from my past 10 years of slowly building and putting my life together, it’ll be worth it. And I’m still working on it every day, one small step at at time.

Some of my hurdles for my next decade are conquering my student loan debt and managing my mortgage. Working on building my savings to be comfortable enough for if and when we decide to have kids. And if that happens, that’s going to be an even bigger hurdle on its own. Ideally, I would like to have a kid before I’m 36 if we do go down that path. I would love to have a dragon baby, same as me and my baby sister. But if we choose not to, we’re actually okay with that too. I’d also ideally would like to move out of NY one day and live in another state or another country. I just haven’t figured out the logistics in terms of pharmacy license transfer or just an all around career change. And sadly the places I want to live, aren’t exactly cheap either. But at least my husband is on the same page and willing to move when I’m ready. I’ll always be an NY girl at heart, but I do feel like there’s more out there for me. And if it falls through and I end up having to move back to NY, well, that’s okay too. It’s not the end. It’s a learning process. And when I talk to people who have made the move, it feels doable. I just have to be in a more financially stable stage of life to be more successful at making the move work. I also do have to downsize because if I eventually do move, I don’t want to take everything with me. I actually kind of want to start fresh. I want to work on that this year actually. Getting rid of a lot of clutter in my life. It’s funny because my personality is definitely EXTRA AF, but sometimes I wish I was a more simpler person in some ways. I think I’m going to get rid of a lot of jewelry and accessories and obnoxious VS bras sitting around in my closet untouched. Sometimes I want to throw it all out and hit the reset button. Maybe that’s what my 30s and this new decade is going to be about. Re-invention. Rebirth. Reborn into my next stage of life. My style has definitely toned down a lot since college days of 2010, that’s for sure. Some things have stayed the same and some things I’ve moved on from. I used to be afraid of throwing stuff out, thinking I might want this or need this later on, but I’ve learned to let go. There will always be something else.

I’m scared of failing as I tackle on the next stage of my life but I do believe at this point in my life, I do have enough support systems to help cushion the fall and help me get back on my feet when the time comes. I’m scared of taking the risks I know I’m going to have to take when I finally make the jumps I keep putting off because of my fear, but I’m working on learning to accept the failures to come as well as looking at life as “what IF I succeed?” instead of looking at all the worse case scenarios. I should plan accordingly to WHEN I succeed instead of prepping myself for if I don’t since the failures are just small stepping stones to push me further back up. This is probably why I’m so lost right now. I finished everything I set out to do post college but I never planned for anything after that. I need to set some new long term goals now that the old dreams are no longer dreams. I have no idea what I really want to accomplish in the next 10 years besides getting rid of my financial shackles and then traveling the world with the boy and my loved ones. I am also afraid of setting goals though because of the fear of failure. I mean, you can’t be disappointed if you didn’t have expectations set up, right? But there’s no fun in that. With great risk, there is also the possibility of greater rewards. I can’t and I shouldn’t live my life in fear. There are plenty of people out there with half my potential risking it and killing the game. So I really need to step up and take a chance and get through these hurdles. I need to and want to find more mountains to climb!

What are YOU looking to hurdle through for the next decade? Let’s see where I end up in the next 10 years!

Goals for 2019 & 2020

GOALS FOR 2019

1. M̶a̶i̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶1̶0̶5̶-̶1̶1̶0̶ ̶l̶b̶ ̶w̶e̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶r̶a̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶u̶s̶t̶a̶i̶n̶a̶b̶l̶e̶ ̶d̶i̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶e̶x̶e̶r̶c̶i̶s̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶l̶a̶n̶c̶e̶.̶

2. R̶u̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶h̶a̶l̶f̶ ̶m̶a̶r̶a̶t̶h̶o̶n̶.̶

   • You know what they say; once you accomplished one goal, you’ll just go look for another mountain to climb. See goal #1 for 2020, lol.

3. F̶i̶n̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶p̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶r̶o̶o̶m̶.̶

   • It’s not 100% but it’s pretty close! It’s basically my sister’s room now and pretty livable for a guest room so hopefully we just expand further into furnishing it and putting final touches next year.

4. Italy in the spring? or Paris in the fall? D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶l̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶H̶a̶l̶l̶o̶w̶e̶e̶n̶,̶ ̶D̶i̶s̶n̶e̶y̶w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ for NYE possibly.

   • We stayed domestic for the most part this year but I’m not mad. Did both Disneys so again, can’t be too mad.

5. Learn to drive stick.

   • I didn’t find time to do this since the boy and I are on opposite schedules and rarely have days off together, only twice a month if that so we didn’t really get to use it for me to learn this. One day though.

6. Finally pick up photography. Learn the basics so I can take and edit my own photos.

   • I was just lazy. I’m going to do this for 2020 though! I promise. I just have to sit down and actually read material and watch videos.

7. Learn how to drive a motorcycle.

   • See #5 above.

8. T̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶p̶h̶o̶t̶o̶s̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶o̶y̶!̶

   • I did this! I love this and want to continue this further as we grow old. <3

9. W̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶c̶r̶e̶a̶t̶i̶v̶e̶s̶.̶

   • I did this too! I worked with a few new people this year. It’s really hard to sift through the GWCs and find the gems but I always want to give new people a chance and discover new people to work with because once upon a time I was new too and needed someone to give me a chance so I could grow and develop my own skills. I worked with new photographers, wedding vendors, videographers, brands, and venues. I want to continue this into the new decade too and compare where I end up in 2030. Especially since I started modeling back in 2009. 10 years later and looking back, I definitely grown as a creative myself. Back then, all I had was a Model Mayhem page and barely knew how to pitch ideas to get photographers to work with me. If you asked 2009 me, she would never have imagined that her portfolio today would look the way it does now. Hell, I never even thought I would make it to be fully blonde because of how many hair stylists originally told me it can’t be done.

10. F̶i̶n̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶h̶a̶r̶m̶a̶c̶y̶ ̶C̶E̶s̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶.̶

    • I sat down in September and raced the hell through this! I’m so glad I locked down on it and got it done. Now I can rest easy for my renewal period in 2020. I still got my superpowers.

GOALS FOR 2020

1. Disney Princess Fairytale Challenge: 5k/10k/Half back to back

   • Don’t ask me why but I’m excited but terrified at the same time. I know I run nearly every day but taking all 3 on back to back is nerve-racking. And for some reason, I noticed at the beginning of a race, whether it’s a 5k or a half, I get really nervous and feel like I want to drop out and give up. I have no idea why since I can obviously do this and know I can do it because I do it on the regular. Race jitters.

2. CUCB 10 miler

   • This is scary too because this will be the first race I’m doing on my own as my friends and coworkers missed the deadline to sign up. I thought about backing out but at the same time I really do want to do this and race through those cherry blossoms in the spring. Plus it’ll make for a beautiful quick weekend getaway.

3. Disney goals: Empty Main Street photo, 4 park challenge’

   • I don’t know if I’ll actually get either of these done during February because of all 3 races back to back so early in the morning so I worry about energy levels to stay up late enough to get the empty photo done and energy levels to do all 4 in one day but we’ll see.

4. Learn the basics of my camera already.

5. Wear more green.

   • I worked on a big goal of making my photos rich in color and color schemes when it came to coordinating wardrobe and background but the one color I didn’t really wear much of was green. Let’s change that for 2020! I’m a color queen when it comes to my feed so let’s live up to it.

6. Work on upper body strength to be able to handle/pull up my own body weight: chin-ups, pull-ups, push-ups, dips, planks. Work on flexibility to be able to do a split.

   • I want to be able to lift myself up if I’m ever hanging off a cliff, with my life on the line. It’s the few things in the gym I can’t do so let’s tackle this on too.

7. Find new places to shoot that I haven’t shot before yet.

   • I worry about it getting monotonous and boring that I keep shooting at the same flower fields and places every year. I want to find more places on Long Island to explore and more nooks and crannies in NYC, as well as my travels.

8. Work on a balanced relationship with food. Wean myself off checking the scale obsessively.

   • Self-explanatory. I want to stop the guilt mentality that comes with eating, and stop placing so much value on a number.

9. Closet makeover. Get rid of cosplay, downsize further from clothes and items I haven’t used/worn in past 5 years.

   • I’m over the cosplay scene. With the exception of a few items, I want to get rid of everything and clean my closet up. Get rid of the dumb posters and make this room look more polished.

10. Cut down credit card debt. Hopefully get rid of it and get back to a clean slate by the end of 2020.

REFLECTION ON 2019

• Travel - I didn’t travel anywhere new this year but the cruise did set me back a bit. I don’t regret it because I really love that I finally got to check off a Disney cruise off my bucket list and experienced it for myself, but had I not taken the trip, I would probably have made a nice dent in fixing my credit card debt rather than making more dents into the debt. So for 2020, I’m going to try and put traveling on the backburner for now and focus on fixing my financials to get them back in order first. It makes sense anyway because the vacations I want to have require more money, time and research. I don’t want to make repeat trips because I didn’t have enough funds the first time to do everything the way I want. Not that I don’t want to go back to certain places more than once, but like how I relentlessy re-did cosplays over and over because I wasn’t happy with them the first time, I don’t want to keep wasting my time revisiting a place because it wasn’t how I wanted the first time. I’d rather wait, and be able to afford it and go on the trip I want, the way I intended it the first time around. No more shortcuts and compromises.

• Blog Growth - This year was filled with collaborations, content, outreach, engagement, invites. It was a nice year of growth and learning how to network and navigate public relations with brands, venues and companies. I get rejected and ghosted a lot when I reach out for collaborations but I also found that for every one that wouldn’t work with me, there were still many more opportunities reaching out to me, asking me to work with them and wanting me to stop by and visit. I tried to do as many as I could fit in my schedule. I really didn’t expect all this to happen so I’m grateful for these opportunities when they do come my way. I still don’t have a central theme like fashion, makeup or travel or anything unfortunately, as I’m still all over the place with my writing and posts. Maybe 2020 will be the year I hone in on this and find my niche.  

• Exercise - Last year I worked on losing weight, this year I worked on maintaining it and staying in shape year round, with slight weight loss a few weeks before each trip to give myself wiggle room for impending weight gain. I’m really proud of myself though to finally laying down good habits because I really did go to the gym nearly every day this year. I only had a few days off a month, if that and mostly on days where I went to the city to work on shoots, gram tours and content for my blog. I practiced at least 60 minutes of active time a day (mostly 2-3 hours in the gym but if I was strapped for time then I made sure I did at least 1 hour of activity), and averaged about 15-20k steps a day. I told myself I would stop running after the half but here I am today still at it. I run at least 5k when I do a short run and I try to do at least one 10k run a week. During the spring and fall when the temps were moderate, I was running 10ks every 2-3 days. I worked a LOT on my endurance and stamina. This is a huge step up from last year as well as my active life overall in general. I really hope to continue these habits into the new decade.

• Diet - I feel like I’m still working on this but it’s forever a work in progress. I do make a conscious effort to eat more protein and less sugar and carbs. I’m also more conscious of watching my portion sizes. I go back and forth still from diet days and cheat days. For 2020, I want to continue with diet control and smarter eating. I want to aim for eating clean 90% of the time and reduce my cravings further to eliminate moments of weakness. I do notice the difference in energy levels and physical well-being when I’m eating clean so hopefully I can cement that into my mentality to make that better choice.

• Photoshoots - In 2017, I had set a goal of doing at least one shoot a month and since then I kept the same goal and fulfilled it. In 2020, I want to continue this, but hopefully build upon it even more and step up my game further as well. Last year I said I wanted to show that ordinary places could photograph extraordinary, to show that you can turn any place into something magical through photos. You can take beautiful photos anywhere as long as you have a good eye. And that’s what I did. I used everywhere I went as a natural backdrop for shoots and worked it. Although I worry sometimes about running out of ideas, wardrobe and places to shoot. 2019 was so good to me in all the opportunities I had and all the places I got to shoot. I worry about peaking and not able to come up with more. I’m not sure how yet but I really do want to up my game further for 2020. I want to do more new styles, find newer locations I haven’t shot in yet and work with more new people to expand my network. I want to expand my body of work further and build upon my forever evolving portfolio.

• Adventures/Time Spent With Family/Friends - This year was packed with even more dates with my sisters! I enjoyed this a lot and I really hope to continue this trend next year. I’m excited for our trip in February and now my mom’s coming too! We also spent this past year taking my parents out to eat a lot and showing them new places and spending time with them in general. It’s a big shift and change in our family dynamic compared to how we were growing up with our parents. Wounds are healing and new relationships are forming. There have also been some rough bumps in the road along the way this year unfortunately but we’re working on it. I learned that sometimes, you have to let people learn some lessons on their own. You can still love them but you have to stand aside and let them figure out situations on their own. You can say all you want but in the end, the individual will make their own life choices and you have to either choose to live with them and see how it plays through or lose them. I’m afraid of losing this person in my life so unfortunately I have to sit tight and let this one ride out. As for my friends, we didn’t get to really spend time as much as I would like to but I’ve also come to terms with this. Again, you have to give people room to grow and find their own path. Everyone is not on the same path and that’s okay. I miss the old days where we would do everything together but I know one day when we all have it figured out, we’ll be together again. I do appreciate the times when the stars do align and we do get to make time to see each other once a month or so. I’m rooting for my loved ones to excel in everything they’re working on so it’s really amazing to sit back and watch them work on their goals and see them make their dreams come true, one step at a time.

• Downsizing - I feel like I did pretty well this year. I sold a lot of my dresses, donated a lot of clothes, and didn’t shop as much as I usually do. I didn’t have any big purchases or hauls. When I do shop, I do try to consciously choose versatile pieces I will use again and again. I try to find pieces I can invest in that will last more than a few wears/seasons. I want to continue this trend further into 2020 and start working on a new mindset for the next decade of my life. When shopping, I’m going to try and limit myself to just a few trendy pieces for the season and ask myself before purchasing if I see myself wearing this more than once. Will I use this again? If it’s a one and done look, drop it. If it’s something that can be styled and restyled and last through time and become something classic, then definitely purchase.

2019 was a great year, even though I didn’t go anywhere new or did anything “groundbreaking.” Like 2018, it was another year of personal growth. The personal wins were still groundbreaking to me. I mean, I still can’t believe I conquered a half marathon. It seems like forever ago but it was just 10 months ago. And I thought it was the end but it only set me up for another challenge to take on, hahaha! And I worked extensively on my portfolio and honestly loved a LOT of the work I did this year. The quality in my photos has improved and I’m walking away with a lot of my top favorite photos ever created, from this year alone. I put a lot of work into this blog this year too with all the emails and networking and research. When comparing my 2019 me to my past self, I would definitely say I leveled up further. And that’s what you’re supposed to do. Don’t compare your timeline to other people’s timeline. The only competition you have is yourself. Conquer your weaknesses, improve upon your strengths. Unlock your potential and tap into your power.

Did I peak in 2018? I mean, how much more can I do in 2019 to step up my game in everything? But you don’t know if you don’t go. I’m ready to jump into 2019 and see what great things lay ahead. Cheers to 2018 and it’s great gifts, and here’s to what the new year will bring us!

I wrote this in last year’s reflection and it’s funny because although in retrospect I feel like I definitely didn’t peak in 2018 but further stepped up my game in 2019 and did even more that I’m proud of and expanded further in my portfolio and everything I do, I’m still afraid of this for 2020. I mean, it can only get better from here, right? And yet at the same time, I worry that 2020 might not live up to everything I rushed to do so far in life. I’m scared but excited to see what new unexpected challenges and opportunities are on the horizon for me. For those of you still following along and reading, thank you truly for following me on this journey! Let’s sail into 2020 full force and show this bitch who’s really boss.

Long Live The Queen

When I was 16, I had a very different picture painted in my head of what I expected my life was going to look like at 30.

Back then, I was still teetering between being a doctor (what my parents wanted) and fashion design (what I wanted). I thought I was going to attend an Ivy League. I wanted to be married by 30, live in a big house with a balcony, white picket fence and swing in my yard.

Fast forward to the real world today and I am a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. My parents wanted me to be bác sĩ but I ended up being a doctor of pharmacy instead. They still can’t figure out the difference no matter how many times I explain to them I can’t diagnose. But they’re accepting of my profession regardless which is enough for me. I’m not a [total] failure in their eyes.

I ended up backing out of wanting to go to Ivy League because (a) I didn’t want to pay for it and (b) I didn’t want that pressure. It’s a good thing I didn’t because it would’ve been a waste of money in my early years.

I did end up married and I have my own house but it definitely looks different from what I envisioned. You learn to compromise when house hunting because budget and damnit, buying a house is damn hard. Owning is another battle all its own once you’re in.

But what is all of this digression getting at?

Your life won’t always turn out the way you originally wanted. Sometimes it turns out better. It doesn’t happen without a few struggles and falters and tumbles, of course.

My mom still wants me on a certain path though as she continually reminds me that my “eggs are dying.” She’s not the only one pressuring me either. It seems the whole world is watching sometimes and nagging me as to when I’ll have kids. But the question isn’t when, but rather for me, it’s if. I know I shouldn’t say that out loud and give my mom a heart attack but again, at this current stage in my life, I don’t see it in the cards. Check with me in the next 5-10 years. It's also probably because I am the oldest in my family and since I have no kids yet, my mom feels like I'm delaying the rest of my siblings from starting families. Talk about pressure.

It’s funny because my family is very different from my husband’s. Everyone on his side has started having children already, his siblings and his cousins. I see them all and despite their happiness and feelings of fulfillment, it doesn’t spark any of that for me. All I see are another pair of shackles similar to my mortgage and student loans. I just see a money sink holding me back from my full potential if money were not an object. Do I feel like I’m falling behind? Absolutely not. As much as my mother stares at all these people around me having children and building families while I am not, it doesn’t fester any envy inside me. It does the total opposite, lol.

I’m not ready because I’m still working on my empire.

The funny thing is there’s so much I still want to do. And so much I still have yet to figure out. I just turned 31 and I still have no idea what I really want out of life when it comes down to it. I don’t know where I’m going or what I really want my endgame to be. Ideally I want to not live in NY the rest of my life. But I’m also scared to take the risk and jump. Pharmacy is practical but it’s not something I really envision doing for the rest of my life. I just know that I can do it.

But I also know that I am capable of more. I just don’t know what that ‘more’ is, exactly. And the particular more that certain people want me to do, I actually don’t want to do, as ironic as that sounds.

Sometimes I wish I had jumped on the influencer train sooner to monetize what I was already doing before IG hoes made it a career. But that’s a different topic altogether. Truth is, if there was no Instagram or huge social media platform, I’d still be running around planning and doing all these photo shoots and capturing moments of my life. I was doing it before social media took off, regardless of who saw and liked my photos. I do this because I love it. I’ve never “done it for the gram,” I’ve always done it for the shot. Because this is my art and what makes me feel alive. Even if I was the only one who saw the photo, I still wanted to capture the moment. Which is what started this blog, ironically. For years before Instagram was a thing, I’ve been dabbling in photoshoots with nowhere to really display all the photos I took. It all sat on my hard drive. I share a few here and there on IG, but here on my blog I can post full galleries of the entire shoot instead of just 1-3 shots. I finally have a nice way of cataloging my work and sharing it with those who want to view more.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this blog post, honestly. I’m just reflecting on life stuff as I turn 31. There’s also still so much I have to learn and un-learn. I’m still growing and still figuring out ways to challenge myself. It’s hard because growth requires a level of uncomfortability and that takes patience and time. Of which I’m not always willing to partake in, because I don’t like being uncomfortable. I know the end result is worth it but the struggle part is what scares me. I will get there in my time. I’m in no rush.

Remember your journey is your own, and that just because you haven’t checked off a certain number of boxes by the time you turn X age, it does NOT mean you are “unsuccessful” by any means. Timelines are unrealistic and sometimes boring. You need to rewire your brain and unlearn all of the societal and parental pressures looming over you. Write your own story and do things in your own time and pace.

In the meantime, I’m not allowing my age to stop me from being extra and dressing up fancy on a regular day for no reason. I hate when people ask me where I’m going like I need a reason to look nice. I always want to ask back, well why are you so poorly underdressed? I always found the following lyric to be a great life mantra for me.

“I don’t want my best dressed day in a casket.”

Until then, long live the queen of điệu.