The Asian American Experience

March 3, 2021

I wish I could say that things were not as they are. But the truth of the matter is, they are much worse.

If the pandemic wasn’t bad enough, the Asian American community has been facing a second pandemic while fighting the first; racism. Racism is not new by any means, but the divisive and ignorant rhetoric that has been used to name the coronavirus pandemic, has heightened racism to new levels.

An extreme wave of violence against the Asian elderly has been on the rise, and it’s deeply disturbing, frustrating and heartbreaking. I grow angry and exhausted reading new stories daily of hate crimes committed, especially when these videos surfacing show that the elderly were simply minding their own business walking by on the street. I can’t help but fall to tears every time I see another one. And the past month it’s been overwhelming and these are simply just the ones being reported, as I can’t imagine how many stories go unreported because the Asian elderly do not like to take up space and bother anyone with their troubles so oftentimes, these things literally go unreported or spoken of to anyone, not even to their loved ones. It’s truly a crime what is happening. I can’t stand to see the disrespect that’s happening to even simple delivery men as they get spit on trying to deliver people’s food. It’s hard enough putting yourself out there for your job and then to have to experience this is really dehumanizing and hurtful. And then the old Asian men who simply walk around the neighborhood collecting cans for money, to have people steal their carts, mock them and even hit them. It really hurts my heart to read and see these things happening. I can’t. I just can’t. It makes me worry for my parents all the time. I tell them to stay in but there’s only so much you can do and say to your loved ones to protect them. There are so many unspoken, unknown and unheard of stories and each one is more heartbreaking than the last. I can’t keep up. I don’t want to know them all because of how painful they are, but I also don’t want to ignore them simply because it’s painful. The people who had to experience it did not have this privilege. My heart can’t take it. I wish there was truly a way to take away all the pain.

But I have hope that the generations I’m living through, the historical movements I’m living through, is fighting for change. Everyone is waking up after 4 years of hell and everything that’s culminated from last spring’s sparks of injustice against BIPOCs. There has never been a bigger movement of activism and awareness. More people are speaking up and speaking out. Asian Americans are fighting to educate and break the model minority myth, and that Asians as a whole, are not a monolith. Just as White people get offended when they’re told they all look the same, guess what? Asians are also not all the same. We do not all come from wealth and despite working hard, many are still stuck working paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet so no, we are not all “crazy rich Asians.” We come from different circumstances, different countries, our languages are different from one another, even our cuisines, cultural clothing, customs, holidays, etc. And sadly, we all are being united right now under the same Asian American experience; racism.

These are one of my concerns too about having kids. I know it’s inevitable to shield your child from everything but I grew up with 4 siblings and we all had experiences with racism growing up starting at a young age - right there in the classroom from other young kids. Which is really sad because it means those kids learned racism at home. But my point is, all my siblings and I experienced racism at an early age. The difference became how each child grew up with it. We were all raised similarly, but each child coped with it differently. While I had days where I definitely cried as a young child being bullied for my eyes and looks, I ultimately became stronger over time and grew past it. Some of my siblings had a much harder time with it, ended up in counseling and depression from it. I don’t want to think about what cards my own child will be dealt when the time comes.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m still getting over my childhood trauma. Like is my hair color the manifestation of my own version of trying to ‘fit in’ with the Barbie blonde girls who wouldn’t let me in their club in elementary school. I do think I look better blonde and I’m definitely still getting used to the dark hair on me, but sometimes I wonder if my 10 year hair rebellion against my parents not allowing me to dye my hair in high school was more than that. Was it my subconscious trying to mold myself into the toxic Barbie ideals of American beauty because of how much I was bullied for not fitting in and looking different? I grew up being the only Asian and only Asian girl among my peers, in bumblefuck Long Island. When you’re the only one, it’s hard to not want to fit in and stick out like a sore thumb so much. I feel like I struggled between wanting to be myself and wanting acceptance at times. Which is probably why I tried so hard to be everyone’s friend in my high school years.

I am not that girl anymore but there’s so much I’m still trying to unlearn and so much I’m still trying to learn. I want to unlearn being apologetic for my culture, for taking up space, for having thoughts and feelings and opinions different from those that feel uncomfortable for my existence simply because they feel like it threatens their white privilege and white fragility. No more. Yeah I see that it can be uncomfortable admitting to the crimes your culture inflicts upon another, but the thing is you simply feel uncomfortable while minorities LIVE that uncomfortability every day. I want to learn more about my culture and its history. I want to learn more of the history of Asian Americans and all the historical moments they had to live through, fight, endure and overcome. I want to learn about the important figures in history who put themselves on the line and sacrificed themselves fighting for the rights of tomorrow. We need to learn about the past in order to continue the fight to change it for the future. I want to be able to build a better future if I ever decide it appropriate enough to bring a child into it one day. And I want to learn to teach them to do the same if not enough is done in time.

If you’re able to take your safety for granted, that’s privilege. If you don’t have to worry about your LIFE being at risk, that’s privilege. Not everyone lives that privilege. Which is probably why my parents raised me the way they did. They didn’t let me go out and have friends like regular American children because they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing. I used to not understand why but now I know. As a child, you think who would want to do anything to me? And then you grow up and learn there is evil in the world and the innocence of a child is not enough to shield you from it. Young children were slashed in the face last year when this pandemic started simply for being Asian. Because the perpetrator believed “Asians brought the virus here.” Now I know this is one of the levels of danger of ignorance that my parents were shielding me from.

Caution: some footage in the video below are deeply disturbing and can be triggering for some. But if you can stomach it, it’s a very important video I feel that summarizes what’s going on in the Asian community. Please speak out when you see something harmful happening to others and please spread awareness that this is happening. You wouldn’t want this happening to your own family, your grandparents, your loved ones, anyone that means anything to you.

Please do not ignore that this is happening. Please do not diminish the pain that people are going through. What’s happening is NOT okay. Please speak up. Silence is hurtful. I have hope as many others are starting to stand up and use their platform to spread awareness and speak for those who can not stand up for themselves. Thank you for all that you do instead of choosing to stay silent. My heart goes out to all those deeply affected and the families grieving.

Resources to help: https://stopaapihate.org/

Other ways to help: Visit and support your local Chinatown, Asian small owned businesses, spread awareness by sharing posts on your social medias to boost Asian voices, have hard but constructive and eye-opening conversations with loved ones unaware of how harmful their beliefs are, help an elderly get home safely or offer to do their groceries for them. Or simply ask your Asian friends how they are doing. Check in with them. Don’t offer advice. Just listen and let them unload the heaviness. It helps.

Photos by: Vutha

A Tough Conversation

June 8, 2020

There’s been a lot of tension these past few weeks. As if coronavirus wasn’t enough, an old virus has mutated rapidly and surfaced. Racism is nothing new in the world, but there have been many issues that haven’t been properly addressed nor resolved for too long. It’s been festering like a badly infected wound and finally it’s reached its tipping point on the scales. A lot has happened since the George Floyd murder and I have so many emotions about it. I feel sad, I feel anger, I feel disappointment, I feel bitter, I feel terrible, I feel hopeless. And somehow at the same time, I do feel hopeful.

I feel sadness for the Black community because I can’t imagine the pain they feel, fighting the battle they fight everyday, just being Black. I haven’t watched the George Floyd video. I can’t bring myself to watch any of these killing videos. The testimonies of those who have watched was enough for me. Just reading, hearing, knowing about it, it’s overwhelming. So I can’t imagine the anguish the families are in, the realities that their loved ones are gone when another Black life is unnecessarily lost

I feel disappointment because one of the officers was Asian. It was the same shame I felt when the VTech shooter was reported to be Asian. Being a minority, you always feel like it reflects on you. And then you anticipate the hate towards your community because of things like this. As if the racism towards Asians because of covid19 wasn’t heightened enough, now there is this to worry about.

I feel terrible because I have friends on both sides of the coin. I do believe that the Black community has been discriminated disproportionately and I do believe this needs to be addressed and things need to change. Police reform needs to happen and there needs to be a system of accountability and repercussions, just as there are in any professional career. I don’t believe every law enforcement worker is bad, but I do believe there are those in the system abusing their powers and act as if they’re above the law. The immunity is ridiculous. I felt enraged watching the video of 75 year old man pushed to the ground by two officers who claimed he “tripped and fell,” but then the video evidence showed otherwise. In the age of social media and someone is always recording, you can no longer hide behind the “it’s your word against mine, he-said, she said” argument. The age of social media exposure is highlighting all the abuses and cover-ups. And there’s enough of it to show that this IS a problem that needs to be addressed across the board. Not just a “few bad apples.” There needs to be reform, re-education, re-training. In healthcare, medication errors are taking very seriously and reported so that they can be studied and properly corrected so that we can prevent future occurrences. As a pharmacist, I always have to be on my A game because any professional misconduct or unprofessional conduct (yes the two are separate and different kinds of marks that can be held against you on your record) can be reported and on your permanent record and public knowledge for anyone to Google and look up. This can prevent me from getting jobs, which are hard enough in the pharmacy world as the market gets saturated every year with new grads. Besides, you can’t fuck up in healthcare because that’s someone’s life you’re being trusted with. This should be the same case for law enforcement. You’re entrusted to protect people’s lives. There should be no room for error and no excuse for a life lost. And when a life is lost, there should be consequences. There needs to be a system in place to punish those in violation and ensure adherence to the system.

I’ve been consuming all the social media posts, videos, news articles, personal first-hand testimonies, etc. available from the past weeks’ events and honestly it really sickens me. There’s so much that people don’t realize. From the BLM side, recognize there are different groups before you try to tear apart the movement. There is a difference between those protesting peacefully, those rioting in anger, and those taking advantage of the situation and destroying neighborhoods and looting communities. I don’t like the violence but I also don’t believe it’s my place to tell a group of people who have been through pain and suffering what the right step is when everything so far has fallen on deaf ears (I’m not talking about those opportunists jumping on the bandwagon to break shit. Those are people taking advantage and trying to discredit the movement. I can also argue that riots and looting happens all the time too when sports teams win and lose but nobody bats an eye but this is not what I’m here to talk about). I’m not saying it’s right, but WHEN are you going to take notice, listen and make a change? Especially when the change that’s being asked for is not hard at all. The demand is for CIVIL RIGHTS. It’s fucking 2020. Why is this still an issue? It’s an embarrassment honestly that we’re still doing this in a first world country. Especially one in which the president boasts so much about how we’re the greatest. Meanwhile we treat our citizens as less than that.

I would prefer peaceful protests but honestly, let’s look at history. Nothing gets done unless people are LOUD, unfortunately. It’s sad that it has to be this way, it really is, but unless you have a better solution other than “I want to bake a cake full of sunshine and rainbows” and “why can’t we all get along,” please leave your unproductive empty words at the door. The ALM argument is really moot because it offers no solutions. It simply ignores those suffering and dismisses their grievances. Which leaves us in the same place we were already stuck in. It doesn’t help progress or change anything for the better. If you were truly for “All Lives Matter,” you should be the first in line to shout when ANY group is discriminated against, especially so violently and unjustly.

What does need to change though, is the conversations we have. With each other, with loved ones, with colleagues. These are tough conversations that need to take place. I’m writing this because this few weeks I’ve been anxious about having this conversation with my own parents. I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn’t get through to them. I was scared nothing would change. I was scared my words will fall on deaf ears. But I also didn’t want to NOT have this conversation because I knew it needed to be talked about, especially if I have kids one day. There needs to be stronger education to teach the future generation to be anti-racist. I don’t want the dangers of racist microaggressions passed on through my kids. That is not what I am about and that is not my legacy. The most uncomfortable conversations are sometimes the ones worth having. We need to have them in order to grow, be better and move forward in a progressive direction. Without them, we’d be stuck in the same place.

Why do I think this conversation needed to happen?

Something happened last week that angered and disgusted me. At first I wanted to punch the person. But then as I dissected the situation, I realized what happened and it made me really sad because the root of the problem was ignorance. Ignorance is what allows racism to grow. And the old (and false) American narrative helps to fan those flames right up to the roof. What am I talking about?

I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a friend reposted a photo of a group holding a sign “Vietnamese Against Trump.” She wrote that the group was ignorant and disrespectful and if they didn’t like the president, they should go back to their country because if it weren’t for him, everyone wouldn’t be receiving stimulus checks right now from him. She also wrote that everyone should look into everything before they post.

The irony, the hypocrisy, the ignorance of this post. And then I realized that was exactly it. The ignorance. She was a Vietnamese immigrant who came to this country when she was 16. She knew nothing about American history and the long history of slavery because think about it, you only learn the history of your own country wherever you grew up. So she doesn’t know the longstanding tensions and problems of race issues in America. She just thinks it’s a “great place” to begin with. So when she turns on the tv or scrolls through her limited views of social media and sees the bias false American narrative of Blacks as criminals, she thinks it’s true. So through her eyes, she sees the rioting and looting as exactly what Trump narrates it to be; thugs and criminals destroying cities. Which is funny because her post preached to look into everything before they post, meanwhile, she had not done her due diligence on the homework behind everything that was happening. She was taking it at face value from what one-sided media was reporting and portraying it out to be. She doesn’t know that not everyone received stimulus checks at all. Some people had no help at all, while major corporations got a bigger cut of the pie. She doesn’t know about all the fine print. She just reads the quick simple words that scroll across the screen on Fox News, which is obviously not the full picture, nor an unbias one.

And at first when Trump held back the stimulus checks because he wanted his name on them, I thought this was just an egotistical move. Now I realize it was much more. I grew up here since I was a year old. I went to school here. I have higher education. I know that money is my money, our hard earned and taken away tax dollars, being re-distributed in the forms of “stimulus checks.” But to the immigrant eye like my ignorant friend, she believes that is Trump’s own money being sent to her. She really believes the president is using his own personal money to help everyone. Because as an immigrant, this is not so hard to believe. Trump is rich, right? In their eyes, he is a billionaire. So to them, he has enough to give everyone, and with his name on their check, they buy into this idea that he personally is philanthropically helping them out. That white savior lie. Now I realize why he uses such watered down baby vernacular. His words appeal to the ignorant audience well, those with a smaller grasp of the English vocabulary.

I realized through this post that if this is what she believes, she may not the only immigrant who believes things like this. Through the immigrant lens with multiple cultural barriers and language barriers, you have limited access to unbiased news reportings. And this is where I realized I need to have this heavy conversation with my parents. They too, are first generation immigrants with limited grasp on the English language and thus, limited resources to really see the whole picture of what’s really happening in today’s current events. They simply see a nation on fire and see it all as one group, not separating the peaceful protestors from the violent looters. They see nail salons and Vietnamese businesses broken into and destroyed and it only further perpetuates the false narrative they were incorrectly fed of Blacks as dangerous, violent people. They don’t see the pain behind it. The news doesn’t report that to them in their own language. The Vietnamese articles only show the damage caused. They don’t always explain the why or that there are different groups of protestors, rioters and looters. They put everyone into one violent group when reporting so I can see how this ignorance of what’s really going on is able to spread.

And this is why I felt the need to have these tough conversations with my parents. They didn’t grow up around people who were Black but I have. They are the people I went to school with, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors. And as my loved ones, I feel really sad for them that they live with a terrifying reality of having to worry literally every day for their lives. As a woman, I have to worry about my safety when I step outside in fear of sexual assault, being catcalled, etc. But this is against regular civilians. I can’t imagine living in fear of my life on the daily of not only regular civilians, but the people who are supposed to protect me. I’ve never had to think twice about going for a run outside my home without worrying that someone is going to shoot me. But this is not the reality for everyone. My mother has never had to think twice about letting me play in our own yard. But for some mothers, they do. They have to tell their babies no when they want to go play outside in the front yard. You know how ridiculous that is? THAT is privilege. That is why the argument where “we have all faced discrimination and hardship” is a moot one. It’s true that we face discrimination at some points in our lives, but for the most part, nobody thinks “dangerous criminal” when we are walking down the street. But for the Black community, this is not the case. Saying that we all go through hardships dismisses the life-threatening dangers and worries that is present in every day life for people. You can’t compare your adversities like that to dismiss those of another. This is not the Oppression Olympics. You should be using your own experiences to sympathize with the struggles of another.

So finally last night after work, I stopped by my parents’ house to pick up food my mom had made for me. I took the opportunity to have this conversation. I went into it very apprehensively because I still see my parents as the strict, close-minded, stubborn parents I grew up with. But I realized my own ignorance. I had ignored the growth my parents have been through in the past 2 decades since I’ve left home. I grew up with my mom as a stay at home mom while my dad worked multiple jobs. A few years after my sister was born, my mom finally joined the work force and got a job to ensure we all had health insurance since my dad’s jobs didn’t provide any. Because of this, my mom has met many people of different backgrounds, cultures, races, etc. She has learned more English. She understands a lot more. My dad has softened himself since I graduated, left home, finished pharmacy school, got married, and bought my own house. He tries to make time for my siblings and I, and be a little more involved and interested in our lives. He is a very different man, to say the least, than the father we grew up with. The terror is no longer there. I often hear my parents speak about worrying about “losing their kids.” They worry that we will get into fights with them if we don’t agree on something, stop talking to them and move away. We’re at that age where they are finally more concerned about losing that connection, than about disciplining us. The power finally lies in us, not that we choose to abuse their love for us like that. But enough digressing. My point is I was unnecessarily worried about this conversation because when I finally sat down to hash this out, there was nothing to hash out. I asked my mom if she was aware of what was going on in the world. She said yes. I asked her if she understood why. She said a little bit and then I expanded upon it and presented my points and she articulated to me that she understood. She’s sad about the violence but she understands the pain and why it is happening. We left the conversation with an understanding. I’m glad I was able to leave my parents with peace of mind. The conversation was heavy but necessary and I’m glad I took the time.

It’s things like this that make me hopeful for the future. To be able to have honest, calm conversations with people. To be able to explain to them, have them understand, and be humble and open about changing their mind when presented with new information.

I’m also hopeful because when looking at photos and footage of the protests, it is a wide group of people standing up and protesting. They are young, they are old, they are of all different races, they are doctors, nurses, students, mothers, they are your friends, neighbors, followers. I see so many people speaking out using multiple platforms to educate, promote, and inspire. Racism is still an ugly disease in this country but I also see hope on the horizon as this movement grows stronger. For every ugly piece of racism and ignorance I see still existing on the internet, I see a lot more standing up against it and speaking up to correct it. This gives me hope for the future generation to be better. It is such a big movement and there is so much generosity in helping donate to so many organizations to help the cause. This is history. And you bet your bottom dollar, you want to be on the RIGHT side of history as it happens.

So please. Do your part. Register to vote if you’re of age. Protest if you can. Donate if you can. Educate if you can. Have those heavy conversations. Whatever you do, please don’t be silent. Be LOUD. This is the time to be heard.

https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/