Blonde Ambitions

January 31, 2024

I’ve been going back and forth for the past few weeks. I miss my blonde hair so much. Should the queen return? I feel so much more like myself when I’m blonde.

But at the same time, I do appreciate how healthy and shiny and full my natural hair is. And I don’t necessarily hate my dark hair. Looking at all the dark hair photos I took the past 3 years in an effort to strengthen my portfolio in my dark locks, I really do love all the looks I created with it and I do see how some looks contrast better with my natural hair.

I don’t miss the 3 hour processing time it took to redo my roots every month and how much it cost. I contemplated maybe a balayage style so I wouldn’t have to do my roots as often but when it comes down to it, I prefer my hair being all one color instead of a myriad of colors. And all that purple shampoo. I don’t miss having to buy all the expensive hair care products to keep my blonde in tip top shape. All the tiny bottles of Olaplex.

I wish I knew how to do my hair myself. I wish that blonde wasn’t so damaging, and that I wasn’t so drawn to it, of all the hair colors.

Although realistically, if I did want to go back to blonde, I wouldn’t want to do it till after my Japan trip (if that's even still in the cards but I’m really hoping to make it happen) because I would prefer to have my dark hair for photoshoots there to make it easier.

So I have the next few months to sleep on it. But I’ve been honestly mourning my blonde hair since the day I dyed it dark so it’s very unlikely the feeling will change. I figured I’d compile all my “best of” photos of each hair color and see how I feel while I weigh this decision. Especially since it’s a very expensive commitment that requires a lot of maintenance and care.

I went back because I had so much breakage and damage after 10 years of being blonde and the pandemic helped ease me into it when everything was shut down and I wasn’t able to get my roots done for months. But now most the damaged hair has grown out and my hair is nearly all virgin hair again.

I really should be good and leave it alone. But the blonde, she calls to me. I wonder where we’ll be at the end of the year.

Goals for 2023 and 2024

January 10, 2024

GOALS FOR 2023

̶C̶o̶n̶n̶e̶c̶t̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶u̶s̶b̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶.̶ ̶
- We did a bunch of dates this year, but we didn’t get to take a cooking class like I wanted. I DID make attempts to play more games with him and successfully finished Diablo and even an extra season.
̶H̶o̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶t̶r̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶B̶a̶n̶h̶ ̶M̶i̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶f̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶r̶o̶a̶m̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶.̶
- Banh Mi is successfully a free roam bunny! He is allowed in pretty much every room (with supervision in some areas) and is no longer caged into a hutch at night. He now sleeps underneath our bed at night and even jumps on the bed in the morning to say good morning to us. He is so adorable with his established routine. He follows me every morning and waits ever so patiently on the living room rug and his Ikea bed, for me to make his breakfast before I leave for the gym. And if I don’t have time to make it because I’m in a hurry, he does the cutest thing and jumps on the bed after I leave to tell his daddy he’s hungry. It’s so freaking adorable.
̶F̶i̶n̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶C̶E̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶n̶e̶w̶a̶l̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶i̶o̶d̶.̶
- I did this! I sped through this and finished basically the first week of February. My superpowers for this still work. Which is probably dangerous because it only enables my terrible procrastination for the next renewal period.
Learn to drive stick.
- I tried to drive the hubby’s STI this summer. ONCE. And I was terrified and felt really shitty afterwards because it was just so hard for me to figure it out. But according to hubby, he said he thought I did really well and that I just need to keep practicing more so it becomes muscle memory. I felt discouraged the rest of the year and procrastinated finding time to try again. But I really should because ideally I want to sell my car already and I’m not really crazy about getting into the market to buy a new one so I really should just take his car to save money, as well as benefit from the fact that his car is much better in the snow to help get me to work in the winter when we have storms and I’m mandated to come in. I just get really discouraged because it feels so hard but I know if it I just concentrate and dedicate more time to it, I can eventually get it. Hopefully I can do it or else I’ll have to shell out money I don’t have to buy a new car.
̶C̶o̶m̶p̶l̶e̶t̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶l̶d̶ ̶m̶a̶j̶o̶r̶ ̶b̶y̶ ̶r̶u̶n̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶N̶Y̶C̶ ̶2̶0̶2̶3̶ ̶m̶a̶r̶a̶t̶h̶o̶n̶.̶
- HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT I DID THIS. I’m not going to lie, it took me embarrassingly much longer than I would like to admit, but I really didn’t think I was going to finish, given the challenges I faced, with the wall I hit that day but I’m really proud of myself for crossing that finish line and earning that medal, despite all the pain I was in. I still have yet to take proper pics with it but hopefully this spring I can take the medal out to Central Park and find that plaque and do a cute marathoner photoshoot.
Take a cooking class or some type of fun class with the hubs.
- I finally found a place but I think I might end up doing this with Thy instead since she’s more into cooking than he is. I also want to learn to make more things this year like the baos my mom used to make us growing up, and more Vietnamese food when I have time. I also want to try my hand at banh xeo.
Play video games more regularly with the hubs.
- I didn’t do this regularly but for the game we did play, I did set aside a decent amount of time for 2 months to grind in Diablo! I tried to play Mario Odyssey for a bit but if I’m being honest, I’m just not a gamer. It’s fun when I’m playing but I don’t find myself running back to it like the hubby does. I used to enjoy it, but as I get older I find other things preoccupying my time more.
̶D̶e̶c̶l̶u̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶c̶l̶o̶s̶e̶t̶,̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶h̶o̶u̶s̶e̶,̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶p̶h̶o̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶l̶b̶u̶m̶s̶/̶s̶t̶o̶r̶a̶g̶e̶.̶
- I have been getting rid of a lot in my closet. I was able to do a closet “refresh” 3x this year where I listed a bunch of clothes I don’t wear anymore and I donated what wasn’t list-worthy. I still want to do a lot more downsizing, as hard as it is. The house is still a work in progress, unfortunately, but we’re really hoping to break more ground in 2024 so I’m extending this through to the new year. My photo album storage I actually gave up on and bought more storage instead, lol. I AM working on deleting a lot too though. Promise!
Work on my mental health and practice more gratitude.
- I actually have been working on this all year but it had its up and downs. And towards the end of the year, I hit a bit of bad luck and my anxiety went through the roof this December. I’m actually worried and wondering if I should talk to my doctor about it and ask for medication to avoid another panic attack. As for my demons regarding my weight, I’m still working on this. Another area where I have my good days and my bad days. My health took a bit of a hit this year as well but I’m working on finding the central problem in order to get back to where I want to be. It’s just really frustrating because you think you’re doing everything right but something is still working against you. Looking through 2023 photos, I have all my food saved in my gallery and I ate REALLY freaking good when it came to eating the right foods, portions, etc. But something is still fighting against everything I’m trying to do right and I really wish I knew how to fix it.
Sign up for swimming lessons.
- I drove past the swimming lesson place in town several times this year and just never found the time for it. I swear I feel like I have no time to do anything anymore and yet somehow I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done. It’s crazy.

GOALS FOR 2024

Practice driving stick more. Possibly sell my car and take over the STI or buy a new (used) car to drive to work better in all weather conditions.
- It would help our finances a lot if we have one less care to insure, and I could use the money from selling my car, toward something else. Like goal #6 if possible, or towards the house bills we have looming, as well as other projects around the house that we need to really get on. The STI also checks off the box of being winter friendly like I need, but the challenge is learning to drive a manual. It's definitely a big challenge that I'm not too confident about actually succeeding at.
Less running, more low impact workouts. Slow down.
- I told myself this year I’d slow down on races and literally slow down when it comes to running. I haven’t gone running since Nov 5, the NYC Marathon and honestly I don’t know when I’m getting back to it. I’m enjoying this extended break. I’ve ben walking more regularly instead since I’ve read that walking is better for fat loss and leaning out the bulk in my legs. I’m also getting back into Blogilates. I’m still lifting but I’m not focused on PRs and lifting crazy heavy at this time. I’m focusing more on low impact workouts to try and lower my stress and cortisol levels since that blood work came back not favorable recently. I also want to work on getting more flexible with more stretches in my workouts, to finally be able to get low enough into the splits. I also want to finally do a pull-up already, damnit. If I can deadlift, I should be able to pull my own damn body weight up too.
Make my health a priority.

Last year I started going to a PCP because I was annoyed with my weight gain issues and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I wondered if it was my thyroid or something else. I learned about some health issues that had me stressed the rest of the year. Which probably added further to my weight problems. This year, I want to make it a priority to get it in check. I know I need to start taking vitamins and supplements again. I asked my doctor to put me on medication even though my levels were only slightly elevated because I really do not want it getting worse. I really want to get ahead of this and nip it in the bud. I refuse to be told that this may be genetic and this is something I just have to live with the rest of my life. At some point, that may be the case but for now, I want to do as much as I can to overcome it if I can. I’ll probably have to see my doctor more regularly this year to get bloodwork done several times but I really hope I can see some progress at the end of the year. It's just so frustrating because it's like, what am I doing wrong? I wish I could find the central source and fix it. Everything they recommend me to do to lower my levels are things I'm already doing. When I looked through 2023 photos to do a year in review, I saw everything I ate since I took photos of everything I ate to send to my trainer. It drove me insane because I already eat SO FREAKING HEALTHY, it drives my friends insane looking at my stories of my food. I work out almost everyday. I try to stay SO active it's insane. I average about 7-9 hours of sleep. I don't know what else can I do?!

I also have to get my mental health as well as my physical health in check. This year my anxiety was bad. My elevated cortisol levels is definitely attributing to this. I’ve never felt so vulnerable and helpless and I hate feeling this way. I need my old bad bitch back.

Get back to blogging more regularly.
- I feel like I blogged SO much in former years. 2023, I felt so blah and didn’t post as often as I wanted. I had a lot of writer’s block and felt so uninspired. For 2024, I want to start jotting down more notes and ideas when anything comes to me. I wonder if I should get a physical notebook but my thoughts are always unorganized and I hate carrying an extra thing around. For now, I just jot everything down in my phone in a note file but I wonder if a physical book would help. I also haven’t felt like myself in a while if I’m being honest. All of 2023, I felt kind of off. My energy levels have been off, my enthusiasm and motivation to do things. I used to be so excited but lately I fight trying to get out of bed and get ready for anything. I want to get back to myself and get back to a set schedule and rhythm. I don’t know how 2018 me did so much. She went on IG gram tours every other weekend, did so many photoshoots, traveled, worked out, meal prepped and still had time to blog it all every night. Where did she go? I need her back. I do so much less these days but I feel like I have no time for anything.
10 year anniversary photo shoot with the hubs!
- We never did the Vietnamese ceremony when we got married due to time, money and I just plain didn’t want to at the time. I don’t regret it but I realize all I really want out of it, is photos. So why not just do the photoshoot portion of it? I want to try and get cultural clothes made for us and hopefully coordinate a date to shoot with my wedding photographer again for this anniversary shoot. I also want to finally do a couples shoot with hubby in Central Park with the rowboats and walking around the park romantically. I just love doing couple shoots with him.
Finally master my camera.
- This has been on my goal list 2-3 times already to the point where I didn’t even bother putting it on 2023’s goal list because I knew I was going to procrastinate still, BUT! I did actually try to figure out some of it a few times this year, in Feb, in April and then this past December. I was forced to sit and tinker with it last month when my phone malfunctioned and I was left without my phone working reliably for a few weeks until I could get it replaced. I played around with the settings to get some decent photos for Christmas that I was pretty happy with. It’s still a work in progress but parts of it are starting to click so I’m hoping with some more practice, I can get decent in time for this next goal:
Try to go to Japan this May or October.
- I really miss Japan. That’s all. I want to go back and take better photos than I did last time. I want to run through the gates of Fushimi Inari again. I want to do an Oiran shoot. I want to wear kimonos. I want to eat everything. I want to visit the superior Disneys. I haven't traveled internationally in a while and I do miss it.
Work on the backyard and start a garden.
- I’ve been wanting to start a small garden for Banh Mi and grow cilantro and lettuces for him. I also want to cultivate more peonies around my house. They look so beautiful blooming every spring. This is a big project that me and hubby keep saying we want to do but I really want to actually start it instead of keep talking about it from year to year. I also want to maybe fence in the back deck so I can take Banh Mi outside and sit with me without worrying about him running on the grass and getting ticks.
Finish the bedroom, clear out the den, get rid of excess in bathroom and kitchen shelves and cabinets. Downsize closet. Eat everything in fridge/pantry before buying more food to avoid excess and food going bad before expiration dates.
- I keep saying I want to finish the house but we never do. This time, I’m going to set baby steps to help make it more realistic and attainable. I think I'll try to take on one room at a time, one section at a time.
Establish a routine again.
- Go to bed earlier and on time. Stop sleeping in so late. Get up and get stuff done. I really need to get out of the habit of rushing to work and cutting it so close. Give myself more time to get ready before work and put my face on again. I have been enjoying not wearing makeup as much anymore but I also feel better and more productive when I look more put together with a full face.
- I want to be able to efficiently use my time again to get all my workouts done in the morning - I miss when I was able to lift, do Blogilates AND get in a cardio session afterwards - as well as all my errands before I had to be at work. Hopefully this helps kick me back into feeling like myself again. I love feeling so productive and checking off to do lists.

YEAR IN REVIEW

I did a lot this year. But for some reason, this year didn’t feel so great. I had a lot of happy moments when I look back and review photos but for some reason, I just haven’t felt like myself all year. I’m not really sure what it is. I’m hoping to work on that for 2024. Besides, it’s supposed to be my year since it's finally the year of the dragon again. I was excited originally that it was coming up but now that it’s here, I feel so unmotivated, so unprepared even though we’re only a week into the year, and I feel like I should have started the year hitting the ground running. What gives? Although this is me being dramatic because it’s only a week in, and the actual lunar new year for the year of the dragon is still a month away, and there’s obviously plenty of time to change things around, like my attitude.

2012 was the last dragon year and it was definitely a lucky one for me. Despite starting the year with my car breaking down on the highway in a huge cloud of black smoke and almost setting on fire, it felt like it the universe’s way of making me suffer first in order to receive the blessings given for the rest of the year. It’s funny because I remember at the time I was so stressed being stranded without a car to get to school in my last semester but it ended up being the push I needed to get my brand new car that was manifesting itself all winter every time I drove past a Camaro. I wanted it so bad and that bad luck ended up working itself out. I ended my final year of pharmacy school being offered a job upon graduation and licensure, and got engaged that summer along with passing my exams (which I honestly to this day have no idea how I passed taking both exams in one day). I purchased my first pair of Loubies as my big girl gift to myself and I was so excited to start planning my wedding. Of course, there was also that hiccup of hurricane Sandy derailing my first big girl vacation but like I said with the universe’s balances, that seemed to be the price I paid for all the future Disney trips I would go on in the next 12 years. It’s been quite a ride, I would say. I do believe in balance so I wonder if the last few years of being stuck in this void of not knowing what direction my life was going in, was what I had to pay for 2024’s blessings. Especially since 2018-2020 were so good to me if I think about it. I owed it to the universe. Like a balance. There can be no light without darkness. No sunshine without rain. For what we want most, there is a cost must be paid in the end. Balance.

I think another issue of mine is I'm at a weird stage in my life where I really don't know what I want my next step to be. I don't have any crazy goals set this year or any mountains to climb. Am I allowed to just be? I hate living in a society that pressures you to yearn for more more more all the time. This is is probably why I don't know how to sit still and rest. Why do I have to always be reaching for something to feel like myself? It's ridiculous we feel like we always have to be on the go for something.

RUNNING

I completed my 4th Princess weekend and 3rd Fairy Tale Challenge! I still love this race weekend to this day and it just keeps getting better and better with the friends I made and continue to make in the runDisney community. I really enjoy the camaraderie among fellow Disney runners. There is no competition, only uplifting. I’m a little sad I’m going to miss out on this year’s princess races but at the same time, I’m happy about it because it frees up more time for me to save money and focus on different things that I’ve been missing, like Japan and other travels.

I also completed the NYC marathon! I am definitely proud of accomplishing this and having one world major under my belt but I also learned that full marathons are just not my jam. The mileage beyond a half is just too stressful as well as physically demanding and prone to injury for me. And that’s okay. You don’t have to like everything about a sport or hobby you try. This is just not a distance for me. I don’t enjoy the training and I don’t enjoy the challenge. I wasn’t crazy about it after Dopey and after NYC, I’m still not crazy about it. Nothing about it makes me say “Yeah! I want to do that again!” like it does with princess weekend. But hey, now I know what I like, and I like what I like. I’m excited about taking this year off and slowing down to focus on other things.

FITNESS JOURNEY

I successfully completed another full year staying active! Despite my weight gain and health issues, I want to give myself credit for this consistency and making this a priority every day. I know I still have a lot to work on when it comes to my body image issues, but this is one of those things that’s easier said than done and there’s a lot of work that needs to be done there. My body dysmorphia is a demon I have to battle on my own and I know it’s not going to go away overnight. I am trying to practice gratitude everyday best I can. I know I’m very fortunate to be where I am, to be in the body I am even if I’m not always happy with it, that there are those who would love to be in my position and I should appreciate my body for all that it does for me every day. She’s forever changing and yet she still shows up and helps me do all my daily tasks I need done everyday. She’s beautiful, she’s STRONG as hell, she’s resilient, she’s soft, she’s always there for me. She knows her limits and tries to tell me when she needs a minute to rest and although I don't always listen to her, she still pushes through and tries her best at everything I throw at her. In writing this out, I realize I need to start showing up and being there for her in return. I don't appreciate her enough. I ask so much of her but never ask her what I can do for her in return. So for 2024, my biggest resolution should be to promise to take care of her everyday, nourishing her with good, nutritious whole foods to give her energy and fuel, as well as the fun stuff every now and then for joy. To talk to her the same way I would talk to my best friend, and not be her biggest critic anymore but her biggest supporter. Her biggest advocate. I need to start loving her in all her forms. Or else she'll realize how much I don't deserve her and leave me finally. It's true what they say. If you don't take care of your body and let it rest, it will choose when to rest for you. And it will be at an inconvenient time and come with a high cost, and not just in monetary terms. It can cost you your health, your mobility, your independence, everything. My ER visit after the NYC Marathon taught me that. This is why I’m also slowing down and switching to low impact this year. After going hard for the past 6 years, I still want to be active, but I want to be gentler on her and allow her to rest for once.

TRAVEL

I was fortunate enough to be able to travel and go on several vacations this year to Disney World. I went 3x this year which sounds terrible because addict but once was for a race-cation, once was for a bachelorette and once was my annual birthday trip. To be fair, 2 out of the 3 were just quick weekend trips! I

I didn’t really do much else all year though due to 6 months being dedicated to marathon training but also low funds. Which, again, I reiterate is why a year off of races is probably a good idea. I need to start saving again especially since student loans are no longer on pause. I did get to go on a day trip to Sleepy Hollow which was a lot of fun! So maybe I'll take more short trips in 2024 to save money and time. Especially since I hate being away from my baby boy for too long since it's not travel friendly all the time to bring him with us. I feel like being a pet mom has really calmed me down and helped me have less fomo on things since I just want to be home with him more. I'm glad he did well on the road trip to Florida and back though. I can definitely see us doing that more in the future so that he can be with us because I'm not really comfortable with anyone else but us taking care of him. We spoil him so much I wouldn't be comfortable with a pet sitter unless they were going to treat him like he was their baby too.

I don’t have anything booked and concretely planned for 2024 as of right now and I’m…actually okay with it. I’m considering doing the Disneyland Halloween races but if I don’t get in or if I end up choosing not to do it, I think I’ll be okay. More money to save up for Japan. 🤞

PHOTOSHOOTS

I worked on some personal small projects here and there which gave me time to focus more on myself and what I like out of my photos but I realize I do need to work on learning more new poses. I feel like I throw the same old princess poses back and forth, which is great for signature poses to nail the shot but I do want to add more variety back in my portfolio because I hate how everything looks the same all the time. I want to take more risks even if it looks silly. I should make a list of everything I want to work on creatively as well. Like a bucket list of photoshoots.

I was fortunate enough to be able to work on another Crowned Athletics campaign and was asked this fall to work with a new company; Two Park Princesses! I miss being able to work on big projects. Hopefully there will be more opportunities this year.

BANH MI

I feel like the Grinch sometimes but never in my life did I expect my heart to grow so much in a year. This baby boy has taught us to love in a whole new different way I did not expect and it feels so overwhelming sometimes. If I ever become a parent of a human child, it’s going to be even worse I imagine. I just love him so much to bits. I worry and think about it all the time. I check the cameras incessantly when I’m not home to make sure he’s ok. I always find myself wanting to rush home and be with him from whatever event I’m at. And everywhere I go, I wish I could take him with me. He’s the little ball of ever flowing serotonin we didn’t know we needed. He’s probably a big part of how I made it through this year.

Loss

Maybe this is part of why last year was not the vibe. The year was marred with both losses of my grandpa and my husband's grandma. There is no timeline for grief and no end date. It comes and goes and comes back again. Sometimes it feels insanely pronounced while other times, it just feels numb. That's kind of how I feel about 2023. Numb. There were a lot of happy times to help me bury the huge waves of grief but they always resurface regardless. I guess the one silver lining about loss is that it brings people together and makes you look at the bigger picture. I haven't seen my aunts and uncles from my dad's side in years due to their toxicities and ignorant opinions and views of the world. They still are but I'm learning to not let it bother me as much. People are free to live their lives while I live mine. We don't have to agree on everything but we can come together through birthdays, ancestral dinners and cultural events to connect as a family.

Wedding

Remember I said there's a balance in things? After experiencing loss, I also experienced a new beginning. One of my best friends got married this year! In the midst of June, when we were bombarded from Canada's smoke polluting our air quality everyday where the sky looked like something out of an apocalyptic movie, we had some good luck for the wedding day! It was a perfect day of blue skies and perfect temps, making for a beautiful wedding, as well as such a fun month, being able to plan and surprise her in Disney for her bachelorette. I always wish the absolute best for my loved ones to experience just as much love as I've been blessed with in my life, if not more. Again with the gratitude I'm trying to actively practice, I know how fortunate I am in my own life with my relationship with my husband and all I want is for the loved ones in my life to experience and have that kind of love as well. It's an amazing feeling to have someone by your side as you navigate the world together.

Reflection

Last year, I wrote that I was looking for a bit more stability in 2023. I wish I could say I succeeded in that aspect but it feels more like I derailed. I probably should have spent the year saving so that my December curveball mess we found ourselves in from our slab leak, wouldn’t have felt as hard of a hit. It’s almost like I learned nothing from December 2022’s financial curveball that I still haven’t dug myself out of. What I really need to do is set a plan for 2024 and keep myself to it. I also need to figure out what I want and figure out what else is just noise. It’s the year of the dragon. I need to tap into that power and make it my year like how 2012 was. I need to stop waiting passively for it to come to me and go out and get it like how I made 2018 my bitch and made things happen when I wanted to lose weight that year and get my fitness in check and go to Paris all in the same year! I know I’m capable of a lot so why have I been such a bitchass lately? I miss that blonde bitch that made things happen. Do blondes really have more fun? Was it the hair color? I’m still the same person underneath. So why does it feel like I’m so…less now? I want to take charge of this and reclaim my dragon power. I know I can do it. I need to start writing more and get things off my chest and step back into the girl I want to be.

2024, I’m coming for you even if I started a little late. I've always been a bit of a late bloomer but you know what they always say, better late than never.

My First World Major - The NYC Marathon 2023

November 9, 2023

I am officially a NYC Marathoner!

This Sunday, November 5th, 2023, I completed my first world major marathon, the TSC NYC Marathon. There is so much to say, where do I start?

Since the beginning, I really did not want to do this but got roped into it by a friend and once it was started, the stubborn part of me that hates not completing things once started said we were too far gone with the qualifiers and then pushed on through 6 months of training. And despite how hard it was, I repeated to myself at every training how close I was to the finish line that there’s no turning back now. I had already put in the work, I had to see it through. And then at the end, when I finally crossed that finish line, my entire being burst into tears, overwhelmed with emotion. Why? Why was I like this?

The TSC NYC Marathon is no joke. You can’t just sign up for it and train like you do with the runDisney races. The 6 World Majors (NYC, Chicago, Boston, Berlin, London and Tokyo) are special. Each race is unique with how to enter, some being exclusively difficult to attain, like the Boston Marathon. For NYC, I entered through their 9+1 qualifiers, meaning I had to sign up and run 9 of their NYRR qualifying races and volunteer for 1 event. It sounds easy but it’s still a lot of time and work, especially if you’re not a NYC local. I spent a lot of early mornings racing into the city to get to races on time, running them, and then racing back home in time for work because a lot of races were always on my days on instead of my days off work. It’s a lot when you’re trying to juggle real life at the same time. You have to do all this in one calendar year to qualify for an entry into the next year’s marathon. And then after I gained entry this year, I had to train for 6 months for the race, all through the hot and brutally humid summer months. So this was nearly 2 years worth of work that went into the execution of this one day. And all that work, is no small feat. Maybe that’s why it feels like so much when you cross the finish line. It is A LOT. A lot goes into completing this one task.

And it doesn’t involve just you. It takes a village. I can not sit here and say that I completed this alone. My friends and family played a big part in helping to get me to the finish line. From supporting me and being patient with me through the 6 month roller coaster of training (including scheduling and rescheduling events and being flexible with me so I could train), to helping host me for the weekend, to making signs and cheering me on all along the course and helping provide the final motivational cheer at the finish line and taking photos for me all along the course. To listening to all my grievances and rants and just having to listen over and over for the past year about this damn race, lol. From all the messages, texts, comments, heart reactions, everything. You don’t know how much of a world of difference every little thing that was done for me from my loved ones, makes. Those ‘little’ things, were truly big things for me. Marathon training isn’t just about the runner; all the friends and families supporting their runners, you all deserve this medal too for all you do putting up with us.

The Expo

I left Saturday morning, the day before the race to pick up my bib at the expo. The entire week leading up to the final day though, I was riddled with anxiety. I couldn’t eat breakfast that morning and then later that day, I could barely finish 2 slices of pizza. I had to force myself to eat because I knew I needed the fuel for the next day but my anxiety had been destroying my regular appetite. I knew that night was going to have insomnia issues as well. I guess because this is a “new” race course and system I had never done before, and didn’t know what to expect, I was entirely on edge as opposed to the excitement I have for runDisney races at this point, in which I have an easier time falling asleep, but still lacking in sleep because I want to do everything, lol. Pick your poison.

The expo was held at the Jacob Javits center. Of course, I’m familiar with Javits from the past 10 years attending so many different conventions there. Bib pickup was very easy and quick to get through. It was the first thing to do getting through the entrance to the expo. From there, I had to visit transportation to add on my Staten Island ferry option since I forgot to do it online before the cutoff. Luckily, it was very easy to sort out and the volunteers were great at helping me with everything. I picked up my race shirt afterward and then checked out official race merch but didn’t find anything I like so I moved onto the vendor booths. There were a lot of cute promotional booths giving away freebies like Gatorade, gels and sweatbands. They had a lot of tables and walls where you could draw and leave messages and signs for the race the next day. I found my name on the wall they had printed of every runner signed up for this which was pretty cool to see. It was inspiring to see people from all walks of life and all over the globe come here to take on this goal. It made me feel a little less alone in my anxiety.

Race Morning

Sunday was also daylight savings which meant an extra hour of sleep, or rather for me, an extra hour of anxiety. I did get some sleep though, thankfully, albeit waking up several times in the middle of the night thinking it was time to go. I got ready and left early to make the train in time to get on an earlier ferry than I was assigned, but ultimately I got to the race start later due to bus delays once we got off the ferry at Staten Island. It took a while to shuttle everyone. When I finally got to the village, it was about 9:30 so it was around 2 and a half hours travel time. Maybe it was good I left earlier. I would have had more anxiety if I was even more delayed leaving later on. Once I got there, I had 2 hours till my wave would start but I found a spot to sit, stretch and warm up, and eat a bagel. Again, I wasn’t hungry but I forced the bagel down knowing I would need the fuel for later. I had to pee by the time my corral opened though, which sucked but at least it was before the race and not during. The downsides to this not being a runDisney race, is that all the bathrooms on the course would only be port-a-potties. At Disney, we have the luxury of actual restrooms once you’re inside the parks. Luckily, I had a travel pack of wipes in my running belt for this reason, because I was deathly afraid of having to use a port-a-potty. I know, first world problems. But if you’re a runner, you know those things are doubly gross.

I’m glad I was able to pee before the race started because it would’ve taken up a lot of time, trying to take off and then repin my bib, and adjust everything back in place comfortably to continue on with the run, all the while, trying to not touch any part of the port-a-potty as minimally as possible, lol. It’s obviously inevitable but you want to minimize the grossness or it’s going to be in your head the whole run.

I got into my corral and then the nerves cranked up even more. The starting gun went off, the music was blaring and I had to take slow, controlled breaths to get through it and calm myself down as we made our way across the first part of the course, the Verrazano bridge.

The Race Course

There’s a lot to say about the course.

First off, it prides itself on being a course that goes through all 5 boroughs but only the real ones know it’s not really. If you look at the map, it ‘starts’ in Staten Island but this is really a scam. Not that we really want to be in Staten Island that long anyway but the only part that you’re in Staten Island for, officially on the race map, is the bridge. This is a joke. More of your getting to the starting point is the Staten Island part but the actual course itself is the short distance on the bridge before you go over the water into Brooklyn. Then you’re in Brooklyn for basically the length of a half marathon before diverting into Queens for 2 miles and then finally getting dumped into Manhattan for 3.5 miles and then to the Bronx for literally ONE mile. Then you get spit back into Manhattan for the final stretch of 5.2 miles going downtown through Central Park. You don’t really get to the iconic views of NYC so much as the neighborhoods so for those who have never ran it and come in thinking it’s a great way to “see” NYC, I’m sorry to say, you may be in for a disappointment.

BUT! That’s not to say the course itself isn’t still great. Going into the race, I read someone describing this course as NYC’s biggest block party and honestly, it is the perfect way to describe it. I love Disney, but compared to NYC, New Yorkers really SHOW UP. The entire course, save for the bridges and some short stretches of a few blocks or so, the entire course is lined with people cheering you on and no one is more supportive than a New York stranger on this day. They make the most creative, wild, out of pocket signs! And they pass out SO MUCH food. I saw so many passing out cut up banana pieces, boxes of fruits snacks, bags of pretzels, gels, candy, soda cans, beer, literally anything you need as a runner, they were there for you. I even saw in the neighborhood of Greenpoint, a man on the side with his bbq grill set up, making hot dogs for any runner that wanted one passing by. It was SO MUCH FUN to run this course and see everything and everyone screaming at the top of their lungs, screaming your name too if you had it displayed on your shirt, telling you that YOU CAN DO THIS and truly rooting you through it, wishing the best for you. It really helps push you to the end.

I am fortunate enough to have my friends there that day for me supporting me, stationed at the beginning of the course at 4.5 miles and at the end right before the finish line. Danny and Kayla gave me the push I needed to get through the first 13 miles in Brooklyn. I was really worried because it felt so grueling looking at the map but they truly helped me get through it. Seeing their faces smiling back at me and rooting me on was really heartwarming.

I was doing okay for the most part, running as much as I could and slowing down to grab Gatorade and water to stay hydrated. I slowed down to a walk on the bridge into Manhattan because that part was brutal but when I got into Manhattan I was able to run for a bit up until mile 19. That was where I start to feel the wall hit. You can even see it on the map below where I hit the wall. I had a good half marathon for the first 13 miles but then started to decline in the middle. The red line shows pretty much where mile 19 was and it went downhill fast for me. I alternated between running and walking but ultimately at mile 20, my legs gave in and said no more. No matter how much I tried to pick it up and run again, it just wouldn’t happen. So I forced myself through the pain, dragging my feet to at least walk, telling myself to at least just put one foot in front of the other. At that point it feels like you have two lead feet, dragging cinderblocks down the road. But I had come this far and I wasn’t about to give up now. One girl cheering on the side saw me and dumped her bag of pretzels into my hands. I took them and ate them slowly making my way to the next water station and remembered I had Tylenol in my belt. I took the Tylenol but I think by that point it may have been too late because I didn’t really feel any better from it, but hopefully it helped slow down the damage that was internally happening. I started bargaining and compromising with myself, like I was going through stages of grief. The NYC Marathon app had predicted I could finish by 5:30 best case scenario, if I had been able to keep the pace I was going at mile 19, but it was already going downhill. I would have been more than happy if my finish time was 6 hours. But at this point, I just wanted to be able to finish. I was so close! I cried thinking about giving up because I had come so far, I was almost back into Manhattan, I couldn’t possibly stop now. But the pain was a lot. So I told myself, “Okay. So you have to walk. At least walk the rest of this to mile 26. Conserve whatever strength you have left for the last 0.2 so you can at least RUN the last part and finish strong across the finish line for a good pic.” I did NOT want to walk across the finish line. So that’s what I did. I kept walking, thrusting my arms to the side to help propel me forward for some speed. I made it into Manhattan and kept going. At mile 24, I noticed that’s when a lot of people started to go down. I saw a girl in front of me with her legs all taped up but I noticed what looked like blood coming through the tape. I saw clusters of people on the ground on the side of the path in Central Park. I heard a volunteer’s radio go off and say “I have one person unconscious.” I saw one girl with two friends on each side, trying their hardest to keep her up and going, as her feet dragged, like a ragdoll. It was brutal. People were dropping like flies. I thought to myself, as bad as it was for me, I wasn’t their level of bad yet so let’s keep going. I smiled through the pain for all the cameras (because vanity, lol) and made it to mile 26. My friends texted me they were somewhere very shortly after, close to the finish line and I looked out for them as I made my way to the end. And the moment I saw them, was exactly what I needed to propel to the finish! I instantly perked up, and tried to pick up the pace and run again. I smiled through my tears, running past them and got to the finish line! One of the announcers saw me and complimented me on my outfit as I dashed past her, making me feel super cute enough to victoriously cross over.

And that’s when it happened. I instantly burst into tears, in disbelief that I finished. I was disappointed it took me so long with my final time being 6:30:18 but at the same time, I was really emotional that I didn’t give up and pushed through the pain. And boy was I in pain. I hobbled over to receive my medal and another finisher was kind enough to take a few photos for me. I stupidly thought I could cross my legs and point my toes to pose, only to discover my foot cramp up immediately. More tears, lol. I waited for it to subside and then grabbed my recovery bag and poncho and slowly hobbled out of the park to the family reunion area to find my friends. I cried the whole way there as all the thoughts came rushing through my head post race.

Recovery

In the end, despite taking forever and change to finish, I am proud that I finished this. I worked really hard and I need to work at being kinder to myself and give myself more credit. I know I’m not fast, I made my peace with that but I am still disappointed that it took me longer due to hitting the wall. I struggle with this even in training. My main goal though, due to Dopey PTSD, was to finish this with the most minimal amount of injury. Considering the battlefield I saw on the course towards the end, I am very happy to report I did not need to go to the medic tent. For the first 2 days post race, my legs were definitely sore and I had to hold onto the walls to get to the bathroom in the morning but I was doing okay so far healing and recovering. I was able to go for a 2 mile walk around the neighborhood on the second day and my appetite was slowly coming back after being gone last week due to all my anxiety. I’ve been allowing myself to eat whatever I crave in this recovery phase.

I did hit a snag yesterday though. Tuesday night, I went to bed with slight stomach upset but thought nothing of it. Wednesday morning I woke up fine, but when I tried to go get groceries, I found my abdominal area cramping like I've never felt before. I almost had to pull over from the pain but I was able to make it home okay. I laid down and tried to wait it out before getting ready for work but it kept going for the next few hours. When I tried to get up to get ready for work, I felt dizzy. I laid down again and realized it was so bad I had to call out of work. I took a hot shower when the pain subsided for a bit and was able to get it under control with the heat from the hot water. After I got out of the shower I thought I was in the clear. But within 30 minutes the pain came back, and worse than ever. I finally gave in and asked my husband to drive me to the ER. It's funny because when I called out, work was giving me a hard time, requesting I have a doctor's note for my sick call, because it was the day after my “vacation”/PTO being used. I understand policy but I still think it was ridiculous they were running with this because I rarely call out, let alone call out sick, nor have a track record like others do at my job for crying wolf. Anyways, here I was, showing up at work after all. Just not in the capacity they wanted. I was there for a few hours and they gave me fluids and medication to help lessen the cramping. The pain never went away but it felt a little duller thankfully after a liter of IV fluids. They couldn't figure out a clear diagnosis of what it was because my labs came back normal with the exception of elevated CPK which is expected post marathon, and some minor labs slightly elevated. All they could say was that there wasn't something too major going on, so they chalked it up to post marathon stress on the body due to severe dehydration since I hadn't really upped my water intake since Sunday nor was I really intaking any electrolytes since. I picked up a heating pad on the way home and it helped me sleep through the night last night although intermittently. My advice to you is to take post marathon recovery seriously. EAT even if you don't feel hungry and hydrate hydrate hydrate with both water and electrolytes. Don't go back to normal routine just yet. Up those calories and get those carbs in. I was going to go back to the gym later this week but I guess not now lol. I promise I'll be good and go back next week but take an extra week off from running.😅

I don’t think I want to run any more full marathons though. I think I am finally retiring from full marathons. The half is my favorite/farthest distance I’m willing to run because it’s still challenging without making me feel like I hate myself. My fastest half marathon time is 2:30 and I’m more than happy with that. My full marathon times are embarassingly humbling. And at the same time, I am proud to say that I completed this. One of my 40 before turning 40 goals was to run one full marathon and now, after just turning 35, I can actually say I completely 2 full marathons. That’s crazy. It really goes to show, you are more than capable of doing hard things if you have the discipline and put in the hard work. It doesn’t matter if it takes you longer than someone else. Remember to run your own race and be proud of what YOU can do.

Final thoughts

Although regardless of how I feel about the full and how hard the NYC one was, I do have to say, I’m glad I did it. I finally did one world major and can say I’m a marathoner, especially to those who don’t believe runDisney races are real. Although honestly, if we’re being real, of course they’re real, because Dopey is EXTREMELY hard and I still can’t believe I did that. I don’t have another world major to compare it to, but I can attest to the people who have done more than just NYC that they’re right. NYC is an incredible city to run. There’s really nothing else like it when it comes to the crowds. Disney has nothing on NYC’s crowd and energy. So if you’re interested in running a world major, while I do not recommend anyone run a marathon because honestly it sucks lol, I do recommend the NYC marathon if you had to pick one. Like they say, it will MOVE you. New York forever remains unmatched. This city is deserving of all the praise it gets.