I just wanna be myself, and I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself, and I want you to know
I am my hair

I've had enough, this is my prayer
That I'll die living just as free as my hair

Because I was lazy last year, I didn’t realize till now I never really blogged formally about my hair after I made the transition from blonde to brunette in December of 2020. I lightly touched upon it in my goals of 2021 post, but that was it. For some reason I thought I did, but maybe because I always talk about it on my IG posts so that’s why I thought I already did it here.

Anyways, if I’m being honest, I’m still working on loving the dark color on me. I still feel more comfortable as a blonde truth be told. I know it sounds dramatic because it’s just hair. It’s not even like I do crazy things to my hair like dye it crazy colors every season or have different hairstyles and cuts. But I identify with Mama Monster in the same familiar sense that it’s what helps me feel like me when I can freely express myself through my hair. I’m still working on owning the dark hair. Last year in April I did a studio shoot with my friend Vutha and Christine and honestly, it was a very simple shoot but my favorite of last year. Just simple lighting and soft colors and it made me really love my hair. I also remember shooting with my friend Steven a few years ago at the Rose Mansion and he shot my favorite shot ever of my Barbie blonde hair. I worked with him again last summer, again at another floral pop-up and he re-created the same love and magic through photos for my brunette locks. How I look in these photos, I wish I could feel like this every day in my hair. I do WANT to love my natural color and my more natural look again. I’ve actually been trying to feel more comfortable with my bare face lately. I stopped wearing makeup to work as often and I’m working on fixing my skin to one day go foundationless again like I did in my earlier college days. Currently I’m playing around with bb creams and tinted moisturizers, and started not worrying about hiding my freckles as much. My skin hasn’t been as blotchy and uneven anymore since I stopped wearing heavy makeup. It’s a work in progress. I’m working on breaking down the beauty standards embedded in our brains about how we should look and love myself more instead of wishing I had features that are more coveted in the manufactured beauty world. I don’t want to envy anyone’s looks anymore. I want to love my own, and importantly, own my own individual, unique look.

As much as I do miss the blonde though, I realize I do enjoy not having to visit the salon anymore. I’ve loved not having to go back every 4-6 weeks for touch-ups. I saved so much money and time. Well, let’s be real, I didn’t save any money, it just went elsewhere, but you know what I mean. It freed up that budget for other things. And on top of that, with my dark natural hair growing back while the dark dyed ends started fading back slowly to the blonde underneath, I could clearly see the difference between my natural hair and the processed, chemically treated, severely damaged ends. It made me realize I definitely don’t want to put any more chemicals into my hair and ever dye it again, as much as I miss the blonde. I love the shine my natural hair has and I want to work on growing that out to replace where my blonde goldilocks length was. But the problem here is, it feels like my hair has reached its terminal length these days. And I feel like I’m always losing more hair than I would like. I’ve been ignoring it for the past year but enough is enough. I know what it is and I know it’s my own fault. My hair won’t grow any longer than where it’s at because I haven’t cut it properly in years. There’s so much damage. There’s so much breakage. And I’ve been putting off cutting it for a few reasons. I didn’t want to pay for it - the price of haircuts when I looked up decent salons or rather any salon is really expensive. Back when I was younger, haircuts were $20. Now they’re $50 and up. I know a good haircut is worth it, but damn it’s just hair. $50 is a lot. I also didn’t want to look for a new salon/hairdresser because I have trust issues and was worried someone might ruin it further and give me a terrible cut shorter than I am comfortable with. I also hate having a hairdresser who’s scissor happy and does whatever they want instead of listening to what you want and you have to uncomfortably sit there because I don’t know how to convey to someone while they’re doing my hair I don’t like it. Or even afterwards. It’s such an awkward thing when you don’t like your hair and they ask you at the end how you feel. “Thanks I hate it.” But you still have to pay them and tip them. And then you question if you should come back and then you simmer on it for a week, upset because you hate your hair so much. LOL, I know this sounds like a lot of PTSD but this is what I went through before I found the hairdresser that would successfully keep me blonde for 10+ years. No wonder I had Stockholm syndrome with the same hairdresser for so long. I really did not want to find another person I would have to trust with my hair. I also hate when a salon has a lot of opinions. I’m not talking hair, I’m talking politics and such. It makes for such an uncomfortable time when you have to be there for a few hours. And then I also hate when salons raise prices on you without telling you till you go to pay when you’ve been a loyal customer for years. I understand the prices of services and products go up but at the rate my last salon was charging me, it felt like highway robbery because they knew I didn’t have much of a choice and was loyal. Especially when all I was going in for was root touch-ups.

Ok, enough PTSD ranting. Today I finally took the plunge. My husband suggested I try the salon next to a new restaurant we tried last month, and when I looked it up, it was a newly opened salon which had me wary at first but all the reviews seemed detailed and honest and very hopeful. It seemed like there wasn’t a lot of people working there, just one stylist that everyone referred to, despite remembering seeing plenty of chairs when we walked past. The funny thing though, is that the reviews were full of people who needed hair correcting after they did something wrong to their hair. And decided to go there and somehow this stylist miraculously fixed it. And listened to their concerns, taught them how to style a new cut, etc. It sounded promising, honestly. So I figured I’d give it a shot. Plus I like the restaurant next door, lol. I had nothing to lose, I could just grab lunch after next door. I called and made an appointment for this Wednesday. I woke up early and headed there like it was a scary first day of school, anxious, excited, scared.

I’ll be honest. I went into this with the dumbest expectations. I wanted to get rid of my dead/split ends but wanted to retain my length. I don’t know what kind of miracles I was expecting him to perform. He was very upfront and honest with me, and kept me informed the whole process, checking with me before he cut away, instead of just doing it and being scissor happy. He was very professional and made me feel comfortable and involved the entire time, which I did appreciate, considering the level of anxiety I have with making changes with my hair. He did a very good job being thorough with my hair, taking his time, not rushing and making sure he got every piece of damage out. My hair feels so much healthier, cleaner, lighter yet bouncier and freer. He also recut my layers wonderfully and fixed the unevenness I had going on in my hair (don’t ask me how but over time I noticed the right side of my hair was shorter and not as full for some reason as the length side. I don’t know how this happened or why it was ‘off’ but I’m glad it’s finally fixed). I’ve also been going back and forth with wanting bangs again for a while after spending years growing them out. I miss them. I felt it was time for a new style with this refresh reset. And while I am still very sad about my length being hacked off to destroy the dead ends, in the end, I have to say he did a wonderful job with my hair. I do like the style and cut and I’m looking forward to my hair being healthier and growing back in again this way.

I’m also hoping to do more shoots like that studio shoot that made me fall in love with my hair. I’m excited to work on my first shoot of the year this weekend with some new looks for Chinese New Year and possibly some Valentine’s day stuff if time allows.

My goal is to create the most dreamiest photos to make you fall in love with my brunette hair and hopefully I trick myself into falling in love too.