I feel like I’m slipping sometimes. The past few years I’ve been in a very weird state. A lot of intrusive thoughts. A lot of doubts. I haven’t really felt like my regular self in a while. I don’t even blog regularly like I used to or want to go on as many adventures for my blog as I used to.

I’ve been suspecting some of it has something to do with my health issues. This past week it culminated into an episode where I felt like my anxiety was at an all time high. I feel like I say this often but it really felt like that all day. You know that feeling you get waiting on line at Disney for a ride, specifically a scary roller coaster, and you’re up next at the gate and finally your ride cart pulls up and you’re right about to get on, but you’re questioning whether you want to get on or not? That knot in your stomach? That was me, but all day. It didn’t go away all day.

On the outside looking in, I probably sound dramatic.

But living it that day, felt like the day was never going to end. I started crying and I couldn’t figure out why. Hinting to my boss of my abnormal cortisol levels lately with my bloodwork, she hinted that I could be experiencing a cortisol spike. Which makes a little more sense, considering my doctor and I have been suspecting hormonal imbalances. I’ve been having trouble finding an endocrinologist to get seen for my issues because all the good ones they recommend are “temporarily not taking new patients unless it’s a medical emergency.” But what is a medical emergency? Does the day I have count? Or would they dismiss that? I feel like everything is dismissed because I’m a woman. Sometimes I dismiss myself and my own feelings because I am a woman. Like I should be able to handle this. What is wrong with me? I’ve never dealt with stress this way. Luckily my boss was a little more sympathetic that day than she usually is and was patient and understanding. My coworkers were also supportive. They wanted me to go down do the ED to get checked out but I really didn’t want to for some reason. I didn’t want to spend hours in the ED to be told they can’t figure it out because what quantitative lab value can they measure for this? They pushed me to take a break in the tranquility room in the meantime and practice meditative breathing exercises. I’m not sure if it helped but it calmed me down for a bit for me to numb the noise. My husband was cute and supportive and offered to pick me up from work if I didn’t feel up to driving home. I got home and still felt odd. I couldn’t do my usual routine getting home from work so I just sat on my bed trying to find peace until I fell asleep.

I feel like as I get older, I’m wondering what’s going on? Why am I not able to handle this as I once could? It’s concerning. And I really want answers. And most of all, I want help. I want to return to my old self. The one who was in control. The one who had it under control. I don’t recognize this person and it’s starting to scare me.

I know this doesn’t really align with all my regular posts as I’m usually more private when it comes to this but I wanted to be more transparent and a little more vulnerable in sharing this. Like a “I have my own bad days too” but seriously, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows over here and it’s important to clarify my entire life is not as much of a highlight reel as it looks. It’s healthy to acknowledge the challenges too. I’m also hoping writing it down and ‘talking’ it out serves as a form of therapy as I navigate these issues. And also, thank you to those who reached out to me and checked up on me. It means a lot that I am on your mind and you’re genuinely concerned for me and want to help. I wish I had the answers but it really is appreciated.