Hello from Bermuda!

Just kidding! We got back from our cruise earlier this week. We had a fantastic time and I'm working on a blog about our experience but in the meantime, I wanted to share something about my trip in its own post.

One of the things I really enjoyed about this past trip with my husband is the alone time we had with each other. And I’m not just talking about the sex. We don’t get a lot of time to spend together, like I’ve been saying lately due to opposite work/life schedules, and this trip was purposely all about us spending more time together, no interruptions of any outside factors distracting us, no trying to savor every last minute before work or whatever of every small window of free time that we overlap with each other. It was 100% undivided, uninterrupted time with each other. We weren’t on our phones scrolling mindlessly through anything either (especially since he decided to inadvertently donate it to the Bermudian waters, lol), which I really love about vacations that force us to unplug because no cell service. We weren’t worried about work. We weren’t paying attention to the news. We weren’t preoccupied with other crises going on elsewhere. I tend to worry a lot, as my husband observed of me, and a lot of times things that are not in my control. I worry about everyone in my life, whether or not I can help them. I worry about a lot of things, whether or not it affects me directly. Sometimes I hate being an empath. It makes it hard for me sometimes to relax and just enjoy things without feeling guilty. I also need to stop worrying about my “productiveness” and just enjoy rest days and relaxation time. I limited my workout times to maximize our us time to spend with each other. On a boat with limited access to the rest of the world, we were just able to be us and focus on us and nothing else mattered. And it was really quite nice, as selfish as it sounds.

I said it earlier this year too how one of my goals was to take a trip just the two of us again and this trip was absolutely perfect for us to further intensify our connection and work on strengthening our relationship.

We got the opportunity to sit down and talk about a lot of things, share a lot of things and really catch up in each other’s lives, get into each other’s heads about our goals and where we want to see our lives going, and make sure we’re on the same page when it came to us. I love that. I love that I was able to express myself and tell him what I wanted and see eye to eye on the things I was worried about. He was able to open up and share with me the things he wanted me to work on. Neither of us are perfect and we’re always still learning to understand and speak in each other's love languages. I love that we were able to have that line of communication. It's a truly sexy thing when you have that connection with someone you love, especially someone you're absolutely crazy about. It's such a turn on for me when I feel seen and understood by someone I love and that they are really listening and paying attention to me.

One of the conversations we had was about how we both are still on the same page when it comes to kids. One of my personal lessons I've learned in my life experiences growing up is that all families look different. They don't have to be biological and they don't have to look like another person's tribe. You don't need to have children to “start” or “have a family.” Your family does not need to be a biologically built one to be an actual family. You can be born into one yes, but you can also choose who you want to call your family if your biological one is toxic or simply not meeting your emotional needs for love and growth. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of people in my life both friends and my own family members that I feel I already have a family without need of adding a little one to the mix. And even just the two of us together, as cheesy as it sounds out loud, is that not a family? When I got married in 2014, I said maybe in 5 years. And then I kept pushing it off because I didn't feel ready. I still don't feel ready, and now it's been 8 years and yet I still don't have that motherly urge my peers seem to have and rejoice in being a mother. I don't envy any of my friends and family who have started their families. Is that weird? When I see them post their photos celebrating milestones and memories, I feel happiness for them, but I don't feel longing for that life. But I wonder sometimes if it makes me odd for not wanting that. Is there something wrong with me? And at the same time, I feel perfectly fine with where my life is at the moment. I always think that's great for them if that's what they want, but it's not what I want. (And then my mother likes to come along and remind me where is her grandkid, lol.) But seriously speaking, I’m at absolute peace with where we’re at currently and really enjoy our life and my marriage.

It’s funny because right before I was about to write this post, @grlwithbangs shared a brutally honest post too about why her and her husband don’t want kids yet as well. A lot of their reasons resonated with me and this past Sunday, driving on the way home from the cruise, I had mentioned to him too that the cruise made me realize I have two very strong conflicting emotions in me, which he said he absolutely understood and it made me feel so good because like I said, it’s just an amazing feeling sometimes when you feel seen.

What I said was that spending time with him this past week intensified two things. The first is that I do truly love my husband so much that he's the only one I would want to have children with. (It's not that I don’t. There are many reasons behind why we haven't yet and they go beyond that.)The second is that I also love him so much that I don’t want to have children because I don’t want to lose this time I get to spend with just him. I really don’t. I cherish all these special moments we have with just each other. These two conflicting feelings live within me, and at the present moment, the second one outweighs the first.

I watched the few families on the boat and they intensified how much I would love to see my husband as the cutest and sweetest father ever to our child because he’s just so darn sweet and cute with kids. I think he would make an amazing father. I really do. I have no doubt that we would rock the parenting thing, even with its trials and tribulations. But at the same time watching these families, I didn’t envy the parents but rather appreciated how I wasn’t one. We were able to have the room all to ourselves, our own privacy without worrying about the health, hunger, safety of a child and making sure they were entertained/content. We could choose to do any activity we wanted; meal times, shows, movies, excursions, go kart racing, mini golfing, etc. without having to worry about the logistics of a child being included. Whether we had all the things we needed in a diaper/child’s bag, leaving extra time to get ready and leave because children schedules can take longer, temper tantrums, whether or not they’ll enjoy the activity, have enough to eat, etc. We could take as many late night walks as we wanted, stay up all night watching movies, pig out and do dumb shit, sleep whenever we wanted. We only had ourselves to worry about and as selfish as it is, it’s a wonderful thing.

To quote @grlwithbangs’ post, these were her reasons;

1. We’re enjoying life together & extremely happy as is!

2. We have tons of goals…that we want to accomplish - not that having a baby won’t stop us from accomplishing those goals, we want all of our attention/focus on growing.

3. Totally selfish right now and that’s OKAY! Putting ourselves first, spoiling each other, our relationship is stronger than ever…

4. Pregnancy can take a serious physical toll on my body. Not being negative or putting bad juju out there - I’ve just been told by numerous drs & I am not ready to put my body in this situation.

5. …we rarely see each other IRL due to our careers…

6. Children don’t fit into every lifestyle & we love ours rn.

7. We love sleep & our sex life lol.. Even though we already don’t sleep much.

8. We actually don’t really need a reason at all. After all, our personal choice as to what we want to do with our bodies are just that, personal.

The last reason was actually perfect. In a world of traditional timelines, unrealistic expectations and societal pressures, we need to break out of asking people when they're going to get married, when they're going to have kids, when they're going to ABC. As if not reaching these milestones make someone less valued. It's ridiculous. If something is not your journey, why should others impress that upon you when they are NOT the ones living your life? It's because people are nosy and ultimately unhappy with their own lives so they seek dictating someone else’s for their entertainment. It's usually compensation for what they lack. Misery loves company. They don't like to see others doing better than them, especially on a different, unique path. In my experience, these people seriously need therapy. Fortunately, I don't care about what's going on in these people's lives as much as they care about ours.

I absolutely love living my selfish life with my husband. I really do. I love every minute I get to spend with him just sitting staring into the sunset, getting ice cream, taking a million photos, watching dumb movies or even just sitting and talking or doing nothing.

Maybe that will change. Maybe one day, a year from now or another 5 years from now, that feeling will change. We’re also allowed to change our minds if we ever do decide a child may be for us. Or even something else. A different path. Who knows?

What I do know is that we are simply in a stage where we enjoy being with each other and I'm happy to be in love with someone as ridiculously obsessed with me as I am with him.💖

Here’s to many, many, more adventures with the cutest hubby ever.💖