In the Chinese Zodiac, this upcoming year is the Year of the Tiger. In contrast to last year’s Year of the Ox—which was considered to be more humble, heavy with responsibility, and reliable–this year is much different. The Year of the Tiger is about power, boldness, risk-taking, adventure, and “going big or going home.”

This was an excerpt from @clockoutdc’s article on 10 Fun Ways to Celebrate Lunar New Year. For some reason this really resonated with me because last year did feel like that - humble, heavy with responsibility and reliable. Last year was pretty heavy for me. I had some dark moments here and there where it felt really overwhelming. Between the Asian hate crimes and taking care of all my parent’s health appointments, surgeries, helping my mom navigate her loss when my grandmother passed, playing Jenga with my schedule to accomodate everyone as well as keep up with my marathon training, it was a lot. I felt like I was trying to please and help too many people while still trying to make time for me and it felt really heavy at times. It’s hard for me to ask for help and I also feel like people don't know how to help me, and at the same time I felt very neglected. It felt lonely at times because I had to rely on myself to pull myself out of the hard days. Sometimes all I wanted was for someone to check in on me and honestly I didn’t feel like people do that enough but sometimes I also wonder if it's my own fault because I try to come off strong and independent to not need anyone’s help. Last year was a struggle learning that I am and at the same time, am not strong enough to weather these storms alone. I say I am because in the end, I made it through since I'm still here today, but I say I am not, because there were a lot of mental breakdowns. I need to stop overfilling my cup and running on empty. I have to take a step back and learn to tell people I can't help them when I don't have the mental capacity and energy to do it instead of just adding it to the neverending overwhelming list and sitting in the room on fire saying this is fine. But enough of the past. We can only learn from it and move forward.

I don’t know where I want this year to take me yet, but I feel like I definitely want it to be a big power year, especially with the way I started it with conquering my biggest challenge yet. It’s funny because a friend called out my Scorpio nature with the Dopey too, literally citing the words “you tend to always go big or go home.” Cause I couldn’t just do my first marathon, but I had too much ambition to make my first marathon my first Dopey. I really had no business doing this, but I didn’t want to put off this goal any longer and extend it further so I said why the hell not back in June. And I knew of other girls who had done it before so I was under the mentality “well, it can be done.” I learned that it definitely can but it’s definitely still challenging. But that’s what the year of the tiger is about, right? Taking that risk, being bold and taking on what scares us. And hell in the heat of the moment at mile 11 l, it definitely scared me and forced me to face the fear of failure and rise to that challenge. 2022 started off with a very ambitious start, but of course I've always had a flair for the dramatics.

I mean, hell, I cut my hair finally. I know it’s not a big deal for most people and that it wasn’t even that dramatic of a cut for some but it was a big step out of my comfort zone to try and trust a new stylist. I haven’t cut my hair in years nor even had a different person touch my hair since………2009? It’s crazy.

I did my first shoot of the year last weekend and tried a new studio out with a new style as well for a Lunar New Year shoot. I love shooting cultural wardrobe when I get the chance and the hanfu I wore was really beautiful to capture. I want to work on more shoots like this and hopefully get to shoot another kimono this year as well as more cultural dresses. I want this year’s portfolio to really shine.

This past week I also got to shoot with my friend Shawn visiting from the UK again and we both got to work on our portrait skills. All my usual shoots are fashion based so I don’t always have the opportunity to level up that portrait photography and I honestly feel like my face up close is very weak. I have yet to learn all my angles and geometry of my face and how to work against my weak spots with perfecting evoking the right emotions through facial expressions to make it look flattering and translate well on camera, which is why I really wanted to focus on portraits more. I want to evoke a softness in my portrait work and for that, I know I need to practice more. I also want to practice on shooting more ‘natural’ looks as well. One of these days, I’ll muster up the courage to do a no-makeup look. I would love to master that and feel comfortable enough in my own skin to go more often without makeup and not just when I’m working out or bumming. I’m never going to give up wearing makeup completely because I still very much love makeup, playing with it and wearing it, but I just want to feel beautiful in my natural face and not feel like I look so fobby and ugly sometimes. I would love to feel ‘naturally pretty’ if I can finally own my own look for it.

I don’t know what I want to do the rest of the year since all my energy was honestly focused on the Dopey challenge. I feel like I’m navigating this year for the first time in uncharted waters. It’s scary because I usually have some sort of plan, some sort of blueprint of things I want to do but this year is a blank slate beyond the winter. All I had was Dopey in January, the Princess races in February and now the Cherry Blossom 10 mile run beginning of April. LOL, I know, all I did so far was line up my in-person races since they became available again. But it’s seriously true, virtual vs in-person there is no comparison. I miss running in person so much. Event running will never hold a candle to running circles in your neighborhood. Plus those runcations are always a good time and a good excuse to travel. I’m excited to be in DC again for cherry blossoms as it’s always a good time for a short weekend getaway and reset from the stresses of my regular life. I’m actually very excited for sunrise yoga in front of Cinderella's castle for princess weekend. I'm hoping to get there early enough to score a good spot close to the castle with a clear shot to IG live it. It should be beautiful to see the sunrise transition if I can fully capture it.

I do ironically have an idea of what I want to do in the next two years after this, which is funny, so I have this year and the next to dick around, finish whatever nonsense I want to do before I finally buckle up and adult. At the end of next year, the hubby and I agreed to re-evaluate where we’re at and finally make a decision about having kids or not. I know you can’t always plan things, but it would be nice to have a dragon baby if we can plan it if we decide yes. I’m also still absolutely terrified of childbirth so that’s probably my next mountain I have to face after the Dopey has been vanquished. I know many women have gone through it but to me, it’s still terrifying to think of, the pain, the after, the healing, everything. Especially since I play god with my birth control and haven’t had my period in years to avoid the pains of menstruation. I’m not looking forward to all the bleeding that comes with being a girl if we choose to go through with this as the next step in our lives.

One of my friends also gave me the good idea of finally celebrating the lunar near year on the West coast like I always want, in the year of the dragon. I remember 2012 was a HUGE year for me in terms of big things happening - first new car purchase, graduation, engagement, first big girl pharmacy job - and I would love for 2024 to be another big one with milestones and grand things happening. So I guess in preparation for these manifestations, I should use the next few years to blueprint that into existence. I still have no idea if I want to stay on the East coast or finally move to the West coast and try living somewhere new for once, but in order to do that, one of these years I have to really sit down and study to get my California state pharmacy license, or figure out what career I would pivot to on the West coast. I still enjoy pharmacy but sometimes I wonder if I would do something more fun and artistic and risk-taking than the practicality and job security of healthcare and medicine. Sometimes I wonder what else is out there for me. Would I be happier doing something else? Can I make more money doing less work in a different field? The East coast Asian in me is scared to find out because I’m so used to playing it safe when it comes to job security. I’ve never been the type that can quit my job without having something else lined up. But part of that problem is also because I have student loans and a mortgage to pay. 😅 Would I take those risks if I felt more ‘free’ to? If I had no financial chains, I wonder what bigger risks I would feel more comfortable making.

It’s scary because I don’t know what my ‘next steps’ are. I feel like this year is all muddy water. And I’m not a person who does well without structure. A plan. Goals. A routine. A known path. But maybe that’s what the year of the tiger means. That’s where the risk-taking and adventure comes into play. The map is in front of me, but it’s one of those maps in a video game where it’s all blurry in the beginning and you have to explore each area to uncover it and un-blurry it. Sometimes I wonder if 2024 me is going to recognize the girl I am today. A lot has changed since 2018 when I started this blog and made a lot of changes in my life. And a lot changes every year. The changes feel small in the moment but over time, it’s huge. The ripples have huge consequences in the long run. 2022 me definitely cringes at a lot of stuff I did back then, but at the same time, she’s also proud of how far I’ve come. You have to have those cringey moments to experience growth. I mean, that’s why change is uncomfortable. But as we learned through the years, absolutely necessary for you to reach new revelations. I look forward to comparing 2024 me to the 2012 me in all her growth as she sheds her old skin to reveal the new. In the meantime, let’s see what the year of the tiger can do in making this dragon more powerful.