My 2021 has been off to an overwhelmingly rough start. Between taking care of both my parents health, going with them to doctor visits and coordinating my dad’s referrals and surgeries, and trying to be as supportive as I can for my mom, it’s been quite a learning experience and sometimes I felt really overwhelmed trying to juggle it all. And at the same time, I felt guilty for not being able to handle it without wanting to break down. I know there are people who have it worse, are going through worse. I should be grateful it isn’t as bad as it could be. But it still feels very heavy. And on top of that, every day in March felt like there was no end in sight with all the Anti-Asian violence that went on. Every day was something new, something more violent than the last. It was a lot. My heart couldn’t take it and I ended up breaking down on several occasions. Sometimes out of nowhere. One day I was stretching before my workout and suddenly I was overcome with emotions and lost it. I couldn’t deal. The whole day was bad. Then it was fine for a day or two and then it came rushing back. The roller coaster was unbearable. I felt so much burden trying to stay on top of the current events and tragedies, but I knew at a certain point I had to step away for my mental health’s sake.

I escaped for a weekend in DC for Easter. I had no intention of staying on Long Island. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt really hurt about what was happening in the world to my people. I felt grateful for those who reached out and asked how I was doing and what they could do to help and for just lending a listening ear. And I felt incredibly disappointed by those who didn’t reach out or speak out as well. It was incredibly hurtful. They say actions speak louder than words, but I also found that inaction speaks volumes as well. It was an eye opener to the performative people in my life. Moving forward, I will continue to distance myself and lower my expectations. Now I know who I can and can’t rely on to be there. It was definitely a confirmation of past suspicions as well.

My time in DC, however, was a breath of fresh air, despite how short my visit was. I didn’t do a lot besides literally walk around and take in the sights and the beautiful weather but it was something about the different vibe and company I was in. It didn’t feel as suffocating. It was a really nice mini vacay that I really needed to press reset. Sometimes you just need a good friend to have relaxing conversations with who JUST GETS IT to spend the weekend with. I missed spending time with my closest friends and I really enjoyed staying with her and just being able to talk and chill all weekend. It’s crazy to look back and see how far we really have come. And I’m really glad we’re still able to make time for each other. Love isn’t always wrapped in a romantic partner, but in the purest forms of friendships and sisterly bonds. I love my girl Kerri.

I’m really looking forward to Disney a month from now. Maybe I’ve been working too long without a break and it’s caused all the thoughts in my head to come to a culmination of how overwhelmed I’ve been lately.

It’s a lot. I’m hoping spring brings better things. I’m looking forward to working on new projects I have coming up soon. I’m looking forward to new blooms and new beginnings. I’m thinking of deleting old photos of my blonde shoots on my phone to make way for the new portfolio. I don’t have a desire to post old photos of what’s dead, I just want to move forward with what’s here to stay and what exists in the moment. I want to do a physical spring cleaning as well as a mental one and get rid of whatever no longer serves me. In all senses.

Let’s start anew already. 2021 is the year of the ox and it’s been a hard one, but there’s no turning back. We’re going to march forward, hopefully stronger than ever.