I wish I could say that things were not as they are. But the truth of the matter is, they are much worse.

If the pandemic wasn’t bad enough, the Asian American community has been facing a second pandemic while fighting the first; racism. Racism is not new by any means, but the divisive and ignorant rhetoric that has been used to name the coronavirus pandemic, has heightened racism to new levels.

An extreme wave of violence against the Asian elderly has been on the rise, and it’s deeply disturbing, frustrating and heartbreaking. I grow angry and exhausted reading new stories daily of hate crimes committed, especially when these videos surfacing show that the elderly were simply minding their own business walking by on the street. I can’t help but fall to tears every time I see another one. And the past month it’s been overwhelming and these are simply just the ones being reported, as I can’t imagine how many stories go unreported because the Asian elderly do not like to take up space and bother anyone with their troubles so oftentimes, these things literally go unreported or spoken of to anyone, not even to their loved ones. It’s truly a crime what is happening. I can’t stand to see the disrespect that’s happening to even simple delivery men as they get spit on trying to deliver people’s food. It’s hard enough putting yourself out there for your job and then to have to experience this is really dehumanizing and hurtful. And then the old Asian men who simply walk around the neighborhood collecting cans for money, to have people steal their carts, mock them and even hit them. It really hurts my heart to read and see these things happening. I can’t. I just can’t. It makes me worry for my parents all the time. I tell them to stay in but there’s only so much you can do and say to your loved ones to protect them. There are so many unspoken, unknown and unheard of stories and each one is more heartbreaking than the last. I can’t keep up. I don’t want to know them all because of how painful they are, but I also don’t want to ignore them simply because it’s painful. The people who had to experience it did not have this privilege. My heart can’t take it. I wish there was truly a way to take away all the pain.

But I have hope that the generations I’m living through, the historical movements I’m living through, is fighting for change. Everyone is waking up after 4 years of hell and everything that’s culminated from last spring’s sparks of injustice against BIPOCs. There has never been a bigger movement of activism and awareness. More people are speaking up and speaking out. Asian Americans are fighting to educate and break the model minority myth, and that Asians as a whole, are not a monolith. Just as White people get offended when they’re told they all look the same, guess what? Asians are also not all the same. We do not all come from wealth and despite working hard, many are still stuck working paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet so no, we are not all “crazy rich Asians.” We come from different circumstances, different countries, our languages are different from one another, even our cuisines, cultural clothing, customs, holidays, etc. And sadly, we all are being united right now under the same Asian American experience; racism.

These are one of my concerns too about having kids. I know it’s inevitable to shield your child from everything but I grew up with 4 siblings and we all had experiences with racism growing up starting at a young age - right there in the classroom from other young kids. Which is really sad because it means those kids learned racism at home. But my point is, all my siblings and I experienced racism at an early age. The difference became how each child grew up with it. We were all raised similarly, but each child coped with it differently. While I had days where I definitely cried as a young child being bullied for my eyes and looks, I ultimately became stronger over time and grew past it. Some of my siblings had a much harder time with it, ended up in counseling and depression from it. I don’t want to think about what cards my own child will be dealt when the time comes.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m still getting over my childhood trauma. Like is my hair color the manifestation of my own version of trying to ‘fit in’ with the Barbie blonde girls who wouldn’t let me in their club in elementary school. I do think I look better blonde and I’m definitely still getting used to the dark hair on me, but sometimes I wonder if my 10 year hair rebellion against my parents not allowing me to dye my hair in high school was more than that. Was it my subconscious trying to mold myself into the toxic Barbie ideals of American beauty because of how much I was bullied for not fitting in and looking different? I grew up being the only Asian and only Asian girl among my peers, in bumblefuck Long Island. When you’re the only one, it’s hard to not want to fit in and stick out like a sore thumb so much. I feel like I struggled between wanting to be myself and wanting acceptance at times. Which is probably why I tried so hard to be everyone’s friend in my high school years.

I am not that girl anymore but there’s so much I’m still trying to unlearn and so much I’m still trying to learn. I want to unlearn being apologetic for my culture, for taking up space, for having thoughts and feelings and opinions different from those that feel uncomfortable for my existence simply because they feel like it threatens their white privilege and white fragility. No more. Yeah I see that it can be uncomfortable admitting to the crimes your culture inflicts upon another, but the thing is you simply feel uncomfortable while minorities LIVE that uncomfortability every day. I want to learn more about my culture and its history. I want to learn more of the history of Asian Americans and all the historical moments they had to live through, fight, endure and overcome. I want to learn about the important figures in history who put themselves on the line and sacrificed themselves fighting for the rights of tomorrow. We need to learn about the past in order to continue the fight to change it for the future. I want to be able to build a better future if I ever decide it appropriate enough to bring a child into it one day. And I want to learn to teach them to do the same if not enough is done in time.

If you’re able to take your safety for granted, that’s privilege. If you don’t have to worry about your LIFE being at risk, that’s privilege. Not everyone lives that privilege. Which is probably why my parents raised me the way they did. They didn’t let me go out and have friends like regular American children because they were concerned for my safety and wellbeing. I used to not understand why but now I know. As a child, you think who would want to do anything to me? And then you grow up and learn there is evil in the world and the innocence of a child is not enough to shield you from it. Young children were slashed in the face last year when this pandemic started simply for being Asian. Because the perpetrator believed “Asians brought the virus here.” Now I know this is one of the levels of danger of ignorance that my parents were shielding me from.

Caution: some footage in the video below are deeply disturbing and can be triggering for some. But if you can stomach it, it’s a very important video I feel that summarizes what’s going on in the Asian community. Please speak out when you see something harmful happening to others and please spread awareness that this is happening. You wouldn’t want this happening to your own family, your grandparents, your loved ones, anyone that means anything to you.

Please do not ignore that this is happening. Please do not diminish the pain that people are going through. What’s happening is NOT okay. Please speak up. Silence is hurtful. I have hope as many others are starting to stand up and use their platform to spread awareness and speak for those who can not stand up for themselves. Thank you for all that you do instead of choosing to stay silent. My heart goes out to all those deeply affected and the families grieving.

Resources to help: https://stopaapihate.org/

Other ways to help: Visit and support your local Chinatown, Asian small owned businesses, spread awareness by sharing posts on your social medias to boost Asian voices, have hard but constructive and eye-opening conversations with loved ones unaware of how harmful their beliefs are, help an elderly get home safely or offer to do their groceries for them. Or simply ask your Asian friends how they are doing. Check in with them. Don’t offer advice. Just listen and let them unload the heaviness. It helps.

Photos by: Vutha