The first month of quarantine was hard. It was dealing with a whirlwind of demons due to no gym to keep the monsters in check. The second month, it got a little easier, as I was able to obtain a barbell and weights from a work colleague, and my husband set up a separate space for my home gym for me to work out in peace and maintain focus. He set everything up with speakers for my music, plenty of light, and now even a nice ring light stand for my phone for me to easily record IG stories to help keep me accountable when I work out. I finally developed somewhat of a routine down for what to do on certain days. The second month I was able to get back on track and feel somewhat normal again. I was motivated more often than not and really pushing myself to get more miles in during my runs, outstepping my coworkers, putting in the time and breaking up my days with every morning for cardio and nights for weights. Signing up for the WDW marathon was absolutely scary but it was a nice rush of motivation and inspiration that week and I ended up logging in 100km(about 62.1 miles) the following week as I rode that high.

But then this past week, out of nowhere, I had a moment of “off” all over gain. It goes to show you that no matter how hard you work, and even if you’re eating well and your nutrition is on point, there are just going to be some days where you’re not feeling 100%. And it’s okay. You’ll get back on as long as you make the effort, keep trying and commit to showing up for yourself. But that’s also easier said than done, I know. My point is, I’m still working on it and going through it. The journey is far from over. It’s only just started and despite how much work I already have put in, it’s up to me to make sure these habits stick and become second nature instead of something I can easily give up because I just feel like being lazy and complacent again. I do have to credit that my last two years have definitely helped a lot into creating and maintaining these habits so I actually want to work out now. And I do want to eat healthier and try to choose the right foods more often than not.

But again, it feels like a roller coaster with so many high highs and low lows recently. I’ll feel totally fine and feeling myself one day and then the next day, the fat monster comes out to wreak havoc making me second guess everything I put in my mouth to eat that day. I really wish I could develop a more healthy relationship with food and my weight. Unfortunately, I feel like this is something you just have to go through on your own. All the words of encouragement of others simply can’t pierce through to the annoying worst enemy that is myself. It’s like how you could get a million compliments in a day, but that one bad one could ruin your whole day. The funny thing, I’ve learned to not let what others throw at me ruin my day, but I’ve yet to learn to shut out my own self destructive thoughts. Why am I my own worst enemy???

I’m not actually a fan of Demi Lovato at all, but her latest single has me relating hard(I’m also a sucker for the Travis Barker version because Travis Barker. That high school part of me will never die). I don’t mean I relate to her own situation of personal problems, but just how I personally treat myself. I am definitely guilty of overthinking and obsessing over everything I eat, if and how much it’s going to fluctuate my weight, and what to do to dial back to keep it in check every single day. I still do that bad habit of eating strictly good and then falling down the rabbit hole and cheating terribly, only to lather, rinse, repeat the cycle over and over. I want to one day get to the “everything in moderation” point where I don’t step on the scale so obsessively and punish myself for every little thing. It’s getting hard because despite the work I’ve been putting in, I’m still gaining weight and losing definition. I know where the problem lies but it’s hard. Working out is definitely helping to slow it down somewhat so that not all the gains originally gained are lost. But that’s probably the next step I have to address during this quarantine. I have the workout down, now to fix the diet. I have to develop a new strategy on how to get into a new rhythm and routine and stick to it.

It’s sad that I’m good at giving advice to everyone but myself. I’m good at giving pep talks and encouraging everyone but myself. When am I going to be my own damn hype man and my own damn cheerleader. I can’t wait for this quarantine to be over so I can get back to the gym, get my gym endorphins back and banish these demons back to the dark depths of my soul. Fitness journeys aren’t just a physical journey unfortunately, but a big mental one you have to somehow overcome in your head, on your own time. Which, unfortunately for me means I’m nowhere near done. I hope 5 years from now though I’ll have a much healthier relationship with my weight, food and myself. That is, if I haven’t fully self destructed by then.

Flipping through all of these magazines
Telling me who I'm supposed to be
Way too good at camouflage
Can't see what I am
I just see what I'm not
I'm guilty 'bout everything that I eat
(Every single thing)
Feeling myself is a felony
Jedi level sabotage
Voices in my head make up my entourage

'Cause I'm a black belt when I'm beating up on myself
But I'm an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself and
I, don't see eye to
Eye, me, myself and I

Oh, why do I compare myself to everyone?
And I always got my finger on the self destruct
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Why am I always looking for a ride or die?
'Cause mine's the only heart I'm gonna have for life
After all the times I went and fucked it up
(All the times I went and fucked it up)
I wonder when I love me is enough (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I wonder when I love me is enough
I wonder when I love me is enough