Dear New York,

I know I always say I’m in a love hate relationship with you and every time I travel to other cities and countries, I complain about how “ugly” you are compared to them, but I really miss you. I know I’m like that terrible ex that constantly cheats on you but in reality, you’re my bottom bitch. I always come back to you.

I miss my favorite restaurants and how everything I want to eat is a train ride away. I miss my favorite dessert spots and their holiday and seasonal Instagrammable specials. I miss the Met museum and I miss Central and Bryant park. I miss walking down Soho window shopping. I miss the smells of Chinatown and the waiters in Little Italy flirting with you, to get you to come in and dine.

I miss coming to NYC every 2 weekends when I’m off work to shoot something new and wonderful with a friend. I miss going on gram tours with my Ohana. I miss trying out a new foodie spot with my best friends for their birthdays. I miss walking across the Brooklyn bridge for a silly pic for the gram. I miss spinning Poke stops. I miss the vibrant colors of every new street art I come across and the special messages painted on them. I miss the bustling sounds of the city, the different fashion at every corner and the smells of halal when I pass a certain block. Ah yes, I even miss climbing the stairs inside the subway that always feel like Mount Everest to me. I miss seeing flowers all lined up in a rainbow and seeing lovers pick up a bouquet on their way home for a special someone.

I miss hot pot. I miss steak. I miss huge oversized portions of fresh pasta. I miss ramen. I miss pho. I miss chicken and rice. I miss sharing appetizers with friends. I miss dining with my family and ordering everything off the menu so we can try everything. I miss overpriced millennial ice cream shops. I miss pop-ups. I miss every little hidden gem corners of NYC. I miss that beautiful skyline.

It makes me sad to see my city in its current state. It looks like a ghost town, something out of a movie. On the one hand, it’s an Instagrammer’s dream with its empty streets, but also a nightmare as traveling outside is currently advised against, with the dangers of public transportation and exposure. And don’t even get me started on the recent spikes in open racism towards Asians. I say open racism because the racism was always there. People are just feeling more bold now because they think it’s okay because a certain person in power is careless about his choice of words, further emboldening the racists.

The current world today is extremely different from how it was a month ago. It feels unreal. And it’s really scary. I worry that we may never go back to ‘normal,’ and at the same time I don’t want it to since ‘normal’ clearly wasn’t working. But I do want life to get back to some form of normalcy. I want to be able to go back to the gym, to get back on my routine and lose this quarantine weight. I’m currently struggling to find a new routine to balance it all out. I’m mad because it took me a year to figure it out and then another year to make it fully habit. And now a wrench has been thrown in the mix. Usually I can deal and work around the obstacles thrown at me, but this one is a doozy as it affects my life in more ways than one. My mental health is on a roller coaster ride lately, as every day is different. Some days I’ll wake up feeling fine and other days it feels like my demons are on full blast, eating away at me and my body dysmorphia. With my gym endorphins, I was able to keep the monsters at bay, but right now I’m struggling. I get really discouraged because it feels like the 2018 chubster version of me is staring back in the mirror sometimes. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel because I feel like everything I do, does nothing. But I know that if I stop entirely, it would be worse. So I try to work on my self discipline and self motivation to keep going. I throw myself into home workouts and runs but all it does really is passes time. It doesn’t help me maintain my weight, tone and figure as much as heavy lifting does. I don’t have any current goals set either because everything is currently cancelled in 2020 - vacations, races, springtime events, etc. This further throws me into despair because I usually always have a goal to keep my food monster at bay and in check.

I’m also struggling to keep myself busy since I’m not out and about on my days off anymore. I thrive on adventures. I am not a creature of cabin fever. Even in college, I hated staying cooped up in my dorm room and would try to run away to the mall or on food adventures with friends. I miss my friends too. Being a social butterfly, I miss seeing them and spending time with them and taking cute photos with them. I miss my family. I miss being brought together over food. I’ll regret saying this later but I do miss my mom and dad. My dad texts me every few days to make sure I’m ok and constantly tries to remind me to cover my hair at work (he thinks a face mask is not enough when I send him selfies of me at work). I worry about my mom since she’s still working since she works in a factory and is considered essential as well. My dad finally got mandated to stay home as all nonessential construction has come to a halt, thank goodness. Both my parents are fragile af when it comes to their health so I really want them to stay home in a time like this. Unfortunately there’s no persuading my mom even though she’s got plenty of vacation and sick time stocked up the wazoo. But this is where I get my own work ethic from so it’s not like I don’t know where she’s coming from. I just worry because she has a heart condition. All I can do is hope she’s staying safe amidst all of the exposure.

I’ve come to terms with certain things not happening anymore in 2020 though, like being able to run a qualifying race in time for next year’s princess. I was really upset at first but hey, what are you going to do? It’s not like it’s going to be my last race. I’ll just work harder next year to beat the qualifying time. I ran the virtual run for my DC Cherry Blossom 10 miler this past Sunday and I did it in what would have been a qualifying time of 1 hour and 43 minutes so hopefully I can keep up this trend when real races are allowed back in our lives. I AM grateful though that all this hit after my Princess race weekend vacation though. I would have been more devastated if I had trained all this time, planned all this time, over the entire last year, just for it to be cancelled. I’m happy I at least got to see my first goal of 2020 through of running all 3 races, even if the rest of the 2020 goals are now put on the back burner. I do feel for everyone who had big events planned in the coming weeks and months. Weddings, communions, baptisms, races, concerts, festivals, vacations, proms, graduations, trips, literally life itself has been put on hold. It’s okay to feel upset about things you had planned. My heart goes out to anyone who has had to miss, postpone or cancel something important they were really looking forward to. And the funerals or lack thereof, for those who have passed are really sad too because of the banning of large gatherings. It’s a very lonely time to be living in right now, especially if you’re mourning someone, or have someone in the hospital as visitors are not allowed. My heart also goes out to those grieving and to those having to go through something alone. Years from now, we’ll probably look back on this as a tiny pebble in the road in an otherwise happy life. But for right now, you have every right to feel sad. You’re allowed to feel upset. Don’t let anyone minimalize your pain simply because the bigger picture we’re dealing with is “more important.” It doesn’t make your own feelings any less valid in what you have to sacrifice to keep everyone safer in the long run.

Speaking of that, every situation is different in this current state of the world, and again, it doesn’t make any one experience any less valid.

You could be any of the frontline healthcare workers, whether it be a nurse, doctor, case manager, specialist, etc., now overwhelmed with so many patients to see, but no PPE to change between patients, to keep both you and your patients from cross contamination, due to dwindling sterile supplies to protect you. You’re struggling with anxiety and fear as you worry about going into your next shift. Worried about bringing the virus home to your family. So much that you might be staying at a hotel or other arrangements away from your family to keep them safe.

You could be a student, worried about how your studies are supposed to go moving forward. You may no longer graduate on time. You may not have the resources to be able to access an online course now that everything’s shifted to online. You could be kicked out of your dorms, and living currently with a friend because you can’t just pack up and go home because your ‘home’ is too far or overseas or whatever. You feel like a burden on who you’re staying with even though they’ve reassured you it’s fine.

You could be a teacher struggling to figure out an online course cause the technology isn’t that easy to figure out. How do you teach a lab class online?

You could be working from home, as your job allows, but working from home isn’t always as easy as it sounds. You don’t have all your office essentials at the ready so you have to improvise, making your work harder and more time consuming as you figure ways around not being able to access everything you need. Suddenly, your work from home days are somehow longer than when you worked in your actual office, and thus this becomes more stressful than the internet glorifies it to be. And your boss is Miranda Priestly, making impossible demands of you as if covid19 is a mere inconvenience to her like a “drizzling storm.”

You could be a frontline essential worker, working in factories, grocery stores, supermarkets, pharmacies, restaurants, etc. risking your health and safety because you need that paycheck to make ends meet because regardless of the virus, life still goes on and bills still need to be paid and your family still needs to eat.

There are so many scenarios and situations. I can’t go through them all but the point is that covid19 is a challenge to not only our physical health but our mental health as well in so many ways and is impacting everyone’s lives currently. Just because you feel a certain way does not invalidate how another person is feeling or what they’re going through. It’s not a game of who has it worse or who has it better and shouldn’t complain or whatever. People cope in their own ways and make adjustments however they can to deal. Some people try to maintain as much normalcy in their lives as possible, just to make it through the day.

I don’t talk about it often because I am mainly trying to keep my focus at this time more so on my staying active, healthy and keeping up with my fitness, but yes, I am a pharmacist working at a local hospital on the frontline currently. I have to get my temperature checked daily and I have to get there earlier than usual because all entrances to the hospital but two are sealed off now in order to streamline the temperature screenings. It takes me a little longer to get in because I have to wait on line to get checked before getting to my department. And because a few coworkers in my department were found to be positive with the virus, my colleagues and I are now being monitored by employee health and mandated to wear masks inside the pharmacy. It’s been a nice vacation to not have to wear too much makeup to work because I have to keep my mask clean but it’s also been a little sad because I do miss wearing a full face of makeup and feeling like myself. Yes, it sounds superficial and trivial, but when you feel like yourself and show up for yourself, your mindset is different and you’re more focused and ready to do your job. It’s like wearing your pjs vs your work clothes. One you’ll feel too comfy and not want to do anything but bum around in, and one you’re dressed ready to tackle on the day’s agenda and get stuff done. It’s the same way for me getting full on ready for work. It’s the little things but they make a big difference, especially in this climate of how stressful it already is to go in to work.

There have been a lot of changes too on how we handle everything in the pharmacy too. Everything is constantly wiped down and we constantly have to call environmental to come clean our department every time we suspect or find that another employee is sick. On top of our own paranoia of possible contamination and infection. Every time a crash cart tray is brought down to the pharmacy to be refilled, we have to double bag it before handling it and taking it in, due to fear of covid19 contamination. We have to set it aside and leave it downstairs for the pharmacist designated that day to refill them. Whichever pharmacist is assigned to do the trays that day then becomes the ‘lucky’ one who will have to don all the PPE and drown every single item in the tray with bleach before sorting through it and refilling the tray. The process is long and tedious. On top of the fact that the patients are coding more often and rapidly than normal so the pace at which we have to refill these trays daily is becoming harder to keep up with. We have to constantly keep on top of it because you wouldn’t want a code crash cart out in the hospital without an accessible tray of properly cleaned and restocked meds were you to go into any type of crash. And lately, I’ve been hearing way too many codes go off overhead, every hour, on the hour, multiple times in an hour. It’s really sad to think about.

There are changes constantly every day too. From my director, supervisors, from the head of medical, from the top of the hospital board. Every policy is constantly changing as supplies dwindle, drugs go short or on backorder, patients numbers go up and employees go down. Every day is something new we have to keep up with. It’s a very uncertain time. We doubled in patients testing positive and being admitted overnight last week.

I’ve also been assigned to the IV room more often than usual lately. Usually I’m on the computer entering orders, checking labs, adjusting doses, and tracking down nurses and doctors to renew meds or clarify orders. But because of the high level of volume at which the IV drips on covid19 patients are going through, I’ve been IV more often since I can batch orders a little quicker than my colleagues. But the other night, even I was overwhelmed with orders and needed help from another pharmacist to back me up. It’s getting to be a lot. Because of that night, I went into the next few nights more prepared as I came in to work. I pre-batched more drips that I knew we would be running through faster and kept on top of what was being requested by the nurses to keep up with the constant flow of outgoing meds. But every day is something different unfortunately. This past week, we ran into a bigger problem running out of certain meds and we had to improvise to make sedation drips for patients, but the process took us 5 times longer. For example, usually when I have to make a Versed drip, I usually just draw up 2.5 vials of 50mg/10 mL vials to make enough for one bag. We ran out of the 10mL vials and they’re on backorder so we had to start using our stock of 2mL vials. And when that ran out, we had to use the 1 mL vials. That meant we had to draw up 25 vials in order to make 1 bag. Unfortunately most patients were running the drips at the max rate and running through at least 4 bags in a 24 hour period. And currently, we have 114 positive covid19 patients. A good amount of them are sedated and in critical condition and not only on Versed drips, but Fentanyl, Propofol and Precedex since they’re intubated and on vents. Some patients are also on epinephrine, vasopressin, phenylephrine and norepinephrine drips. It’s getting pretty bad. Now imagine any one of those drugs being on shortage. Now imagine competing with all the hospitals across the nation for supply of them. I work in a relatively small hopsital so having to batch all these IV orders to keep up with the patient demands is getting to be overwhelming and stressful. We just can’t seem to be making them fast enough and keeping up with every new problem to re-strategize.

All the noncovid19 patients have been moved into surgery and recovery room areas, even our ICU (critical care) patients so they’re all packed together there now. Meanwhile all the ICU floors and regular floors are now all covid19 patient floors. Or rather the entire hospital is covid19 now. I tried to go down to 2 Central the other day to refill my water bottle, only to find the doors to that unit closed for the first time. Peeking through the doors, I saw everyone all gowned up and rushing everywhere. WELP, there goes that. Luckily, my pharmacy technician saw me and redirected me down a hidden hallway where the residents were all hiding, with a water station in there.

I see all the nurses, technicians, aides, unit secretaries that pass through my pharmacy and I also hear them on the phone when they call. It’s scary and really sad to hear them because a lot of them have been thrust into unknown territory. They’re used to being on a certain floor, dealing with just certain patients specific to their specialty - cardiac, stroke, post-surgery recovery, whatever. Now they’re being forced to sink or swim and learn how to take care and help covid19 patients without much training to know what we’re dealing with because this came on so fast and we just weren’t prepared. It’s a scary thing. And I can only imagine it being an even scarier thing to lose a patient you worked tirelessly to take care of and nurse back to health, because this disease is so unpredictable. Everyone is trying their best and we can only do so much to help each other.

How am I dealing with it? I’m okay for right now. I’m stressed but not as much as others are, I guess. Or at least I don’t show visible signs of it as much as others. I’m not sure why but someone said it might be because I’m attuned to chaos. But I’m also not exactly the type to frequently freak out visibly. I usually try to just take in what’s going on, observe and adjust to my surroundings. I mean, what is freaking out going to do for me? Of course, I’m worried about catching it and passing it on to my loved ones, but I’m already trying my best to contain it best I can. I haven’t seen my parents in weeks. With my husband and baby sis, we’ve been pretty good at washing hands and making sure we shower when coming home from being out on food runs and exercise runs. I change right out of my work clothes upon coming home. The best we can do is hope for the best. So I continue on with my life as I try to establish a new temporary routine for the foreseeable future. I’m trying to maintain working out at least 5-6 days a week and get my steps in and keep busy. I go into work to stay busy there too, as stressful as work can be, I actually do enjoy working as it helps to pass the time and is currently my only source of social interaction. LOL, my coworker said it last week since I used to always say at work “we are not friends, we are coworkers” when reminding others that I am here to do my job and not allow biases to get in the way of my job, that for the next few months, we are are each other’s only friends as we’re each other’s only direct contact in the world since we can’t travel or go anywhere but work and essential stops.

The local businesses and restaurants in our area are taking a pretty bad hit and yet are still doing the best they can and providing my hospital with donations of meals, masks and much needed goods. I do want to say thank you for all those who have reached out to me on my Instagram too. It’s really encouraging to see the neighborhood come through to help healthcare and frontline fight this. I appreciate the kind words cheering me on, thanking me for being frontline, and for showing up and continuing my fitness aspirations. I appreciate those that simply ask how I’m doing and those that simply just listen, without trying to add in their two cents and be overbearing with unsolicited advice. I do have a lot going on in my head that I don’t address as I personally fight through each demon coming at me. It is a very challenging time we are navigating through as this has never happened to a lot of us before. Our entire life being uprooted as we know it and being forced to change everything in our lives. The world today is certainly not the same as it was a month ago. A month ago today, we were literally only worried about losing an extra hour of sleep from Daylight Savings. The truly trivial things.

We’re going to get through this though. My beautiful city will get through this. I will get through this. You will get through this.

This too, shall pass.

I’ve lived by this phrase since high school. It’s gotten me through a lot. Maybe one day, I’ll finally get that tattooed on me if we make it out of this alive.