Facebook reminded me 7 years ago today I was on the verge of returning to the dark side. Not by choice of course. All the processing and bleach was wreaking havoc on my hair. I wasn’t ready and pretty choked up about it because I really wanted to be a blonde Barbie bride in time for my wedding. But lo and behold my stylist saved the day and figured out a way for me retain my long blonde locks through the magic of Olaplex. And then 2-3 years ago, I was on the verge yet again of having to make the decision to find a new salon/stylist or finally give up my blonde ambitions because it was just costing me way too much to stay blonde. My salon had increased prices on me twice in the same year. It was getting to be too much, especially at the rate I have to go back for touch-ups. But lo and behold, my stylist had saved the day again, offering to do my hair privately instead of at the salon, saving me a pretty penny, and also cutting down a bit on the processing time (since salon visits usually take longer because I have to wait my turn between processes and washes, etc). It worked out for both of us, as she was able to keep me as a client (she’s been doing my hair since 2009) and I was able to continue going back to a trusted stylist who knew my hair and how to manage it and keep it looking healthy for years.

She was able to give me the mermaid hair of my dreams over the years, especially for my wedding with pink and purple tips. And then a few summers later, I would return to my pink ombre tips again for fun. In the beginning of my blonde journey, I even had an accidental blonde to brown ombre in my ends, as we were experimenting on how to get me fully blonde. It looked really nice and everyone thought it was purposely done but no, it was just me trying to transition to blonde and the ombre was just my hair growing out from all the stylists I had gone through, trial and error, looking for the one who would fulfill my Barbie dreams.

It’s been a long journey to say the least, and it’s been a fun 10+ years.

But am I finally ready to head back to my roots?

I’ve been wondering this a lot lately for a few reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being blonde. If I could stay blonde, I would. If I could change my DNA to just be permanently blonde, sign me up, fam. Although I do believe the color suits me very well, with my personality and all my various looks, unfortunately, I am not a true blonde. The reality of is I am bottle blonde.

But honestly, I hate spending the time to maintain it once a month. It’s a lot. It’s waking up early, it’s about 3-4 hours processing and I just really hate spending the time and money altogether. So what I’m wondering now is if it’s worth it to finally return back to my natural hair. I don’t fancy dark hair on me, but it would be nice to have natural, HEALTHY hair again. The shine, the softness, the fullness, the volume. I wonder if I returned to my natural hair, if it would grow again. Like really grow. My current hair is stuck at a terminal length, I feel. My hope is that if I stop bleaching it and subjecting it to such harsh processing, it will be what it used to be again. I used to have LONG hair like my sister. Ah, the things about virgin hair you take for granted.

There are a lot of silly stupid things I worry about. Will I still be ME without the blonde? In my head I feel like it’s part of my identity. But at the same time, even when I was dark haired, I was still me. I was still obnoxious, I still made bad decisions and I still had fun. At the same time, even though I say I’m the same girl as brunette me with or without the blonde hair, I do believe I definitely had more fun as a blonde. It’s a weird thing to explain, lol. But at the same time, I have to remind myself IT’S JUST HAIR. So I really shouldn’t let it bother me. If anything, it’ll be like America’s Next Top Model when Tyra gave the girls makeovers. I get a whole new look to experiment with, and a whole new portfolio to build. I did wonder though, with the dark hair, will I still be “bookable"? Like will people still want to work with me and shoot with me. But it’s just hair. And the brunette Instagrammers and bloggers I follow, I like the blondes and the brunettes pretty equally. I don’t like them less if they’re not blonde, as long as their content and body of work is still stellar. So maybe this is my challenge. How to return to my roots, and build just as fierce and quality a portfolio as my blonde days. It’s funny because every so often I’ll see a really hot Asian girl who rocks that dark hair and it’ll give me a boost of confidence for returning. But sometimes I worry about blending into the background with my own dark hair. Will I still be RxBarbie? Or will the Barbie part be lost? Before I was RxBarbie for the past decade, I was Asian Dollface as my old alias. I don’t feel like changing my name anytime soon, but will the hair color make or break the name?

God. The things I worry about.

Although if I do end up taking the plunge, I better finish up whatever bucket list blonde ambitions I have left beforehand. I don’t think I’ll go dark that soon, but it’s just something to think about for the year. I see myself staying blonde for 2020 at least, but that transition is definitely on the table for the next few years. I definitely did complete a lot of looks and cosplays I wanted in the time I’ve been blonde and I’m content with a lot of it so I do feel like the time is coming to a close on this chapter. I’m slowly becoming okay with this possible change and not so much devastated anymore about it eventually happening. It’s funny because as I get older, I’ve started getting lazier with a lot of things. I just don’t want to put as much time into certain things anymore. I want my hair maintenance to be simpler and my daily makeup routine to be faster so I can just bounce out the door. I wouldn’t call it letting myself go, more so that I’m just growing up and wanting different things as I grow into a different person than I was yesterday. Of course, I will still enjoy the special occasions I get to take my time and dress up and do my hair and makeup all nice. But for everyday ease, I’m starting to want a faster process/routine. I wouldn’t call it lower maintenance, but rather for efficiency’s sake. Let’s be real, I’m still going to look extra to the world, no matter how much I simplify myself.

Sometimes I wonder if my parents had let me dye my hair all those years ago in high school, if I would still be in this scenario. Would I have grown out of this already? Or would I still be stuck in this hair identity dilemma. This is probably why Lady Gaga’s song Hair resonates with me. I definitely enjoyed all the fun I had with my hair in my 20s, as I was finally free from my parents’ rule of me and my self-expression through fashion, makeup and hair. It’s funny coming from a household where I couldn’t wear any makeup, dye my hair or wear anything crazy. I doubt I look like anything my parents envisioned but today they’re finally accepting of me.

I’ll always love my blonde days and I love all the photos I have from this crazy time in my life and I can’t wait to show my kid(s) these pics one day if I ever decide to have them and tell them all about how young, dumb and blonde I was. It’s going to feel like a past life and a totally different me that they’ll never believe existed, haha!